- Your dumb granola doesn’t need to be refrigerated.
- Your six-pack is stealing space that could be used to cool a gallon of Sweet Tea, so you guys just need to work that out.
- Nobody stole your yogurt, so stop the angry notes already.
- That’s Susan’s hot sauce, and it’s really full, but you know she’ll throw a huge fit if you use even a little.
- I strive to be respectful of how cisgender individuals wish to be identified, but writing THEY on the Oat Milk does not help me find you to let you know that I spilled it.
- Your half-gallon of ice cream is taking up the whole fucking freezer. And we all want to eat it. Those two facts combine together to create “foreshadowing.”
- How often do people need to use BBQ sauce for lunch? I mean, really.
- Labeling your Chianti Red Wine Artisan Salami with a future date when putting it in the fridge is an integrity issue, and you could be fired for it, but Jesus, would that really happen?
- It has Mike’s name on it, but does he still work here?
- Those Cornichons should be in the door, not on the top shelf, Mr. Selfish.
- Curiously, everything in the fridge is clearly labeled with a name, except for the half-empty Vodka of the Gods bottle.
- We, the undersigned, respectfully ask that the burned out light in the fridge be replaced, because it’s been a couple months and we feel we’ve been very patient, and even though it’s not stopping us from using the fridge it kind of feels like a respect issue.
- More than one person has the initials “JT,” so we don’t know who to talk to about the Tupperware® we found behind everything in the back, and its contents are obviously a sensitive issue so we would prefer to keep this on the down low. Can you just take it home please, and we won’t ask questions.
Category Archives: Lists
Identifying Unique Workers
- Is their box cutter orange?
- Were they a maverick who flouted corporate strictures by giving Crew Member Discounts to ex-Crew and getting fired?
- Do they care about green potatoes?
- Do they call their parole officer from the break room?
- Have they won their lifelong battle with poor penmanship, and are now able to competently create temp signs?
- Do they know what fell behind the wet produce fixture?
- Do they viciously guard a particular empty milk crate?
- Do they clean the break room while on break?
- Are they technically the Captain?
- Are they willing to do any task without complaining?
Reasons Management May Be Wrong
- They admit to being not wrong.
- Failure to appreciate your sidestacking expertise.
- Disagreement about setting time limit a customer can be in the bathroom.
- Constantly not firing the wrong people.
- Prevailing attitude that many not-fine things are actually fine.
- Liking the unlikeable.
- Post-It® Note consumption policy too heavy handed.
- After what they said about Taco Bell tacos?
- Look, a new mousepad isn’t going to break the bank.
- No one will even know we are on the roof if the store is closed.
- Because their boss is also wrong.
- It’s Canadian money. We can’t legally use it anyway!
- The people must be told about polenta.
- Curious office directed spoils
- They are from the uncanny valley.
- They get defensive when you suggest that date codes are bullshit. Progresses to physical altercation when you suggest all olive oils taste the same regardless of origin.
- They are a privileged white male, or maybe not, but still.
- Not your fault that customer had no sense of humor.
- Graffiti tells the truth.
- They don’t have all the facts, such as the fact that they are an idiot.
- You don’t have all the facts, which is their fault.
- How are you supposed to know what Spotify will play next? And besides, it wasn’t even that loud.
- They’re “running a business.”
I Can Help the Next Person 