“Captain Feelings” would be an excellent name for a reality show that takes place on a yacht owned by an empathic philanthropist who guides lusty passengers on a journey through a sea of shallow emotions, eventually ending up in Cancun. While this is pretty far removed from most people’s experience with captains, some Crew suspect that the Captain of their store may, in fact, be capable of emotional responses. Although limited, there are reports substantiated by independent witnesses where a Captain has been seen to smile. There have even been isolated reports of Captains jump starting a crew member’s car, which could possibly indicate some underlying capacity for empathy. However, in general, the feeling most commonly observed with Captains is anger, followed closely by disappointment. Occasionally a Captain will make efforts to counter their reputation of being a hollow mechanization of greedy corporate zealotry, by utilizing their mouth movement abilities to send semi-plausible friendliness sounds toward various Crew. However, this is often confusing to their targets, since the Crew had long assumed that the Captain was a supernatural being, unable to directly communicate with sub-beings, and primarily specializing in requisitioning fixture repairs, or in rare instances concrete work. Perhaps due to the language differences between the two species, Captains’ efforts to express feelings are often bewildering to the Crew. A Crew member may initially assume that they are in trouble, and the Captain will have spoken several sentences before the paralyzed Crew realizes that they are being thanked for making a bale. While Crew members very much appreciate knowing that the Captain is concerned for their wellbeing, and appreciates their work, having this directly communicated to them is unnerving.

Fear of Love
Finding love is a cathartic release from the drudgery of everyday life. However, if you are in management, love can be risky. Love with a coworker or subordinate, should it bloom into a flowering relationship shrub, will likely mean that you get relocated to another store. This is a valid fear, poised to unleash an onslaught of inconvenience and internal debate. Your best bet is to keep your relationship secret from HR, but even more importantly, make sure that the object of your affection is completely unaware of your love. If you need to have sex, fine, but do it with the lights out and don’t sleep over. Avoid being trapped in The Box with each other.

Fear of Cheese
As with all fears possibly involving fungus, this is indisputably semi-rational. This fear can be paralyzing, so you should practice being near cheese to build up a semi-tolerance to the semi-danger that it presents. Wedges are so acutely angular that they could hardly roll toward you even if they tried, and sliced cheese is for all effects and purposes completely inert. A lot of the round cheeses are pretty soft, and even if you get hit in the head with a Babybel you probably won’t need any medical attention beyond what is available in the first aid kit. Customers will overwhelm you by asking for varieties you’ve never even heard of. They’ve been to Madagascar and eaten peppered lemur cheese: both the kind made from the milk of the Peppered Lemur, and also the kind of cheese made from regular lemur milk that has pepper added to it. So while cheese is mostly harmless, it is also semi-terrifying. Avoid that part of the store.

Fear of Polenta
75% of the time, your fear of polenta is 99.9% valid. At best it is benign. At worst, it can tear families apart and ignite civil war. That never actually happens, but theoretically it’s possible if the store was in a really bad neighborhood or something. Make sure customers know what they’re getting into.

Fear of Gladiolus
Originally created over a thousand years ago by grafting a palm tree to an iris, these were intended to be used as melee weapons. So sturdy that they cannot wilt or break, and yet still technically maintaining the distinction of being flowers, the gladiolus is neither as strong as a palm frond, nor as pretty as an iris. You really have no reason to fear it. You should fear the people buying it though. If you’re bored, ask them about their relationships with their grandparents. Hoo boy, you’re in for a ride!

Fear of Stacking
Cracker boxes. Stacked up. Two layers? THREE layers? You’re starting to sweat. And what if it’s Joe Joe’s cookies, in the boxes specially designed to defy physics and lean the wrong way no matter which end they’re on or which way they’re facing? Sheer terror. Stack as little as possible. Touch as little as possible. GO BACKS! SEND THEM BACK! They don’t all need to go up! Turn! Run away! To minimize the risk of nightmares tonight, have a cup of Well Rested Herbal Tea when it’s over.