- Is their box cutter orange?
- Were they a maverick who flouted corporate strictures by giving Crew Member Discounts to ex-Crew and getting fired?
- Do they care about green potatoes?
- Do they call their parole officer from the break room?
- Have they won their lifelong battle with poor penmanship, and are now able to competently create temp signs?
- Do they know what fell behind the wet produce fixture?
- Do they viciously guard a particular empty milk crate?
- Do they clean the break room while on break?
- Are they technically the Captain?
- Are they willing to do any task without complaining?
Reasons Management May Be Wrong
- They admit to being not wrong.
- Failure to appreciate your sidestacking expertise.
- Disagreement about setting time limit a customer can be in the bathroom.
- Constantly not firing the wrong people.
- Prevailing attitude that many not-fine things are actually fine.
- Liking the unlikeable.
- Post-It® Note consumption policy too heavy handed.
- After what they said about Taco Bell tacos?
- Look, a new mousepad isn’t going to break the bank.
- No one will even know we are on the roof if the store is closed.
- Because their boss is also wrong.
- It’s Canadian money. We can’t legally use it anyway!
- The people must be told about polenta.
- Curious office directed spoils
- They are from the uncanny valley.
- They get defensive when you suggest that date codes are bullshit. Progresses to physical altercation when you suggest all olive oils taste the same regardless of origin.
- They are a privileged white male, or maybe not, but still.
- Not your fault that customer had no sense of humor.
- Graffiti tells the truth.
- They don’t have all the facts, such as the fact that they are an idiot.
- You don’t have all the facts, which is their fault.
- How are you supposed to know what Spotify will play next? And besides, it wasn’t even that loud.
- They’re “running a business.”
Top 10 Beloved Holiday Traditions
- The six months of Panettone
- Discovering the thing that sounds so good online, but Instagram neglects to tell you that it was Done for the Season three weeks ago
- Finding the truly unique item that is completely amazing, but you don’t really want it, so you have to figure out who to buy it for.
- The annual pilgrimage to complain about crowds, shopping, human condition
- Getting out of work early the day before Christmas, to go home and spend a bunch more hours finishing up last-minute holiday preparations that, truth be told, you probably should have done last weekend
- Setting aside a couple of the new product for yourself during the four hours between its exit from the truck and when it is completely sold out forever
- The gigantic novelty bottle of wine to bring to the family dinner
- The things made from wool that turn out to be cookies
- Internal discussion about your ability to afford the awesome thing versus how much you need the awesome thing, which becomes more complicated when considering your estimation of how much your partner will also love it, which will be resolved when you discover that it is almost out of stock and you get paid in two days anyway.
- Thawing things
Important Forms, Part 1
Form RG0002: Double-Bag Waiver
Any customer requesting that you only use single bags needs to sign this before bagging ensues. Indemnifies the store and bagger against damaged product claims, injuries caused by broken glass, redistribution of Trek Mix contents, and loss of actual bags. Waives the customer’s right to complain, except for cases of arbitrary dislike of the way the cashier said things, but no compensatory recourse is available.
Form TJ0013: Sauce Down (Red/Non-White)
Customer report of spill. In order to report the spill of any red sauce, customer must first submit this form for approval, which they can obtain from the Bridge. Select the appropriate box for Red, Burgundy, Orange, Brown, Pomegranate, Rustic, Other, or Undetermined sauce color. Make the customer who caused the spill sign the top of Part I. Any customers who witnessed the spill should sign Part II at the bottom, and their affidavits should be stapled to the back. If a spill is caused by a crew member, it is not necessary to file this form, but they are required to stand beside the spill for 15 minutes warning people to be careful not to step in it, while they wait for a cone and mop to be brought to them.
Form RG0006: Request for Carry Out
Have customer indicate whether vehicle is “just right here”, or “just over there.” Make sure they inform you in advance if they plan to lead you over a curb or other impasse. Ask them to check the box if they plan to walk into traffic without bothering to look. If they want you to load the groceries into the car in a way that is blocked by obstacles then they should also attach a Parkour Rider.
Form RG0001: Multi-Order Checkout
Always keep a supply of these forms under the counter, as you will probably need them several times each shift. Circle the appropriate number of orders: 1, 2, 3, or 4+. If it is a single payment order, but bagging needs to be split, indicate by putting a check in the “going to different locations” box. Ask the customer to write the name of each location on the lines provided, along with addresses and phone numbers. If the other parties are not with them, then they should check the “Auth/Not Present” box for that location.
Lessons Learned
- As you walk past coworkers, resist joyfully bragging, “I’m so important that the Captain decided to bring a Mate to our meeting!”
- Tuck in the part of your shirt with the stain.
- There’s more to getting promoted than buying your own Hawaiian shirt.
- Kale has no season.
- People waiting in line to enter the store have not yet earned the right to be called Customers.
- When they told you to clean the thing, they actually were okay with it being a little dirty still.
- Low Sodium Chicken Broth weighs the same as Chicken Broth with the regular amount of sodium.
- The Super Amazing Kitchen Cloth cannot stop a wax fire.
- If your name is on the receipt, your name is on the moldy strawberries that you rang up twice.
- The only thing unexpected is that the cheddar is out of stock, and even then, not so much.
- A Production Delay is a relationship issue between Supply and Demand, where Supply needs to be comfortable that Demand really is still devoted to it, and Demand needs Supply to understand that sometimes it needs to get tamales from somewhere else.
- It’s pretty annoying when a customer is in a better mood than you, but also really annoying when they are in a bad mood. The best you can hope for is to encounter customers who are in the exact same mood as you. Avoid tipping the scales with casual discussion.
- Green potatoes are the treacherous undertow of a WOW! Experience.
- A review is not the place to brag about your juggling skills.
- Not all bread should be shared.
- Nobody cares that avocados are fruit, but extrapolating that guacamole is technically jam is interesting enough to kill a little time while ringing up a big cart.
- Claim you lost the hoodie.
Trader Joe’s Unofficial Personality Evaluation
- Are you on the correct register?
a. Yes, you’re facing the door
b. Yes, you’re facing the Bridge
c. Yes…wait…what time is it?
d. No, you are supposed to be on lunch - Why would you choose to be a Mate?
a. Exemption from wearing yellow cleaning suit
b. Financial freedom, early retirement, world travel
c. Exclusive, mandatory parties
d. Laser gun - When discovering a broken egg, you…
a. Carefully remove egg and discard it, fill empty space with sand of approximately same weight, return to shelf
b. Ignore - You are most frustrated by boxes that are…
a. Incorrectly labeled with a marker
b. Incorrectly labeled with a license plate sticker
c. Open on the bottom
d. Leaking sauce from the bottom - When helping with a spill, you prefer to be…
a. The broom person
b. The mop person
c. The Zamboni person
d. Decline to answer - When deciding where to put your lunch in the fridge, you choose…
a. The top shelf, because you deserve the best
b. The middle shelf, because you’re a reasonable person
c. The bottom shelf, because you don’t care, but at least it’s not in a drawer
d. To eat your lunch right now, because there’s nowhere to put it - When scheduled at the front door, you prefer to…
a. Clean carts
b. Count people
c. Count sheep
d. Helplessly watch the maskless person way back in the line inching forward, hoping your shift will end before they get to you - Your favorite kind of music to listen to while working:
a. Huey Lewis, Phil Collins, total crap
b. DJ Captain Classic Rock
c. Traditional Estonian folk songs in the key of E#-minor
d. Country, unless recordings of trains derailing available - When assigned to clean the store, what do you prefer to clean?
a. Coins, small bills
b. Something outside, if it’s sunny
c. Freezer rails, bells, other already clean things
d. Whatever is nearest customers needing help finding something - What do you think causes those light green spots under the toilets?
a. Light green gas seeping up from the foundation
b. Porcelain radiation
c. Mop inaccessibility
d. Optical illusion - When seeing two customers embracing in the store, you think…
a. “Why don’t they ever hug me?”
b. “That’s inappropriate. They should go into the bathroom to hug.”
c. “They’re blocking the aisle.”
d. “I wonder if they met on Tjinder.” - You regard freezer ice as…
a. An obstacle to wall proximity
b. One of the most crucial issues that nobody needs to care about
c. Hey cool, free ice
d. Wight poop - The floors are red because…
a. Too much blood has been spilled
b. Not enough vinegar has been spilled - When the line out front is long, you feel…
a. Sorry for the customers, because we’re out of Cauliflower Gnocchi and they don’t even know it
b. Sorry for the customers, because they’re all stuck behind a family of seven at the front of the line
c. Sorry for the customers, because they’ve endured such inhumane hardship, and the same country music is also playing inside
d. Sorry for yourself, because you’re not working and you are waiting in line to shop - If you are unable to locate a product in the grocery aisle, it is because:
a. Damn remerch
b. You’re looking for Tahini. Nobody can find Tahini! Nobody knows what the fuck Tahini even is!
c. You’re looking for Sauerkraut. Sauerkraut is refrigerated, remember?
d. Nobody can tell you’re not actually looking - Your preferred cleaning tool is…
a. Pre-soaked alcohol wipes
b. Sudsy, yet inexplicably dry, flimsy napkin things
c. Something simple to use, but causes chemical burns
d. A flamethrower. No, wait, not a flamethrower. What’s that thing that kills with fire? Yes! A flamethrower. - Which role sounds worst?
a. Crew
b. Mate
c. Captain
d. The guys who fix the freezers - If you could not find the Store Mascot, what would you do?
a. Fall on your knees while raising your hands to the sky, screaming “Why do you deny me this one simple pleasure, Universe!”
b. Ask the nearest child to guide you
c. Lie so that you’d still get a sucker
d. Quit probably - It would be fun to collaborate with your co-workers on…
a. A quilt commemorating all the Crew who lost their jobs due to being fired
b. Dropping a full case of wine onto the floor from ceiling height
c. Working the load
d. Developing additional scented tools, such as cumin mop, a garlic Swiffer, or a dill hammer - When confronted with a mistake, you…
a. Act confused, and claim you didn’t know it was “wrong to bring a chair to the register,” even though you needed it to give a stressed customer a chair massage
b. Apologize but do not admit guilt, citing nihilism
c. Purchase $27 worth of carbs during your next break
d. Remind your mom that if she’d bought you Taco Bell like you wanted then you wouldn’t have even needed to dirty up any dishes - What type of thing makes you feel guilty?
a. Letting down coworkers by hiding in the baler, getting crushed
b. Not acting condescending enough, even though you probably could’ve gotten away with it
c. Doing a good job when no one is looking
d. Stacking potatoes recklessly - When managing difficult customer confrontations, your first instinct is to…
a. Ring a bell, any bell, as loudly and quickly as possible
b. Rapidly ascertain the customer’s center of gravity and any weak points they’ve left open
c. Offer them stickers, multiple kinds depending on the situation
d. Remain still, they are attracted to motion - Your favorite TV show as a kid was…
a. Umami and the Savory Gang
b. Mighty Morphin’ Powerberries
c. Teenage Mango Nut Butter Tortillas
d. Everything but the Wiggles
e. Dan Bane Channel. All Dan Bane. All the Time.
The letter you chose most often as an answer reveals your strengths:
A: Analytical
You are able to precisely determine the amount of change due to a customer using only one finger. Protect it at all costs.
B: Business
You are comfortable using terms like forecast, reprimand, compliance, sub-optimal, and no. Continue to distance yourself from any emotional response to your environment.
C: Creative
Nobody will know that it was you that stacked the shelf like that, and it will be cool to see how long it lasts. Avoid pranks involving glue.
D: Scientific
You are willing to run the risk of not actually working if that’s what it takes to test a controlled oxidation-reduction reaction. Consider wearing a lab coat when on breaks.
Things That Can Be Crushed in The Baler
- Flattened cardboard
- Unflattened boxes
- Boxes full of dry snacks, such as chips, crackers
- Boxes full of Spanish olive oil (Caution: glass hazard)
- Flats of refried beans cans
- Flats of Raspberry Lime Sparkling Water (1-liter bottles)
- Six-packs of domestic beer in cans
- Partial cases of Bath Tissue, or Super Soft Bath Tissue
- Lugs full of various cheeses (limited effect for shredded)
- Super Amazing Kitchen Cloth (no effect)
- Fire extinguishers (Caution: actual real danger likely)
- Shopping cart (empty)
- Two cases of free-range eggs fortified with omega-3
- Shopping cart full of polenta (Note: team lift)
- Smaller baler (theoretical)
- 20-30 cans of refrigerated Cinnamon Rolls puff pastry dough
(Note: recommend high-speed camera) - Bread shares
- Romaine lettuce possibly tainted by salmonella (Note: office directed baling only)
- All remaining cases of Caveman Collagen bars
- Items on quality hold
- Flowers (Note: Separate individual blooms and place between white cardboard for best effect.)
- Decorative ceramic soap holder from TJMAXX in the shape of a laughing frog
- Case of Norwegian Crispbread held for Marsha Zimmerdell that she never picked up
- Abandoned bird nests
- Various broken wood things
- Empty milk crates
- Military grade tactical stink bomb (18 garlic cloves, 1 pack fresh salmon, 7 lemons, 1 jar Blue Cheese Dressing, 1 can beef dog food, 1 bottle sriracha, 1 bottle Tea Tree Oil, 1 jar Apple Cider Vinegar, 1 can French Roast Coffee – Turkish grind, 1 tin anchovies, 9 ounces brie or Manchego cheese, 1 jar genuine Vermont maple syrup, 8 pouches Yellow Tadka Dal, 1 bottle vermouth,
3 jars Salsa Autentica, 18 jars ground cinnamon, 1 jar green olives, 2 bottles Peppermint Infused Cauliflower Face Wash, 6 jars sauerkraut, 3 jars kimchi, 4 white onions, 2 bags cilantro, 1 pack chardonnay chicken sausage, 1 bunch celery , 1 bunch eucalyptus, 1 jar Chili Onion Crunch,
1 sympathy card)
Department of Homeland Disasters
Re: The worst year ever
Many of you have commented that 2020 is the worst year ever. We can all agree that any year worse than this one defies imagination. However, after a thorough investigation, the DHD has determined that 2020 could still be worse. We cannot risk looking back on this year fondly, so we must insure that this year is terrible in the most possible ways. To insure our future sanity, no catastrophe short of total extinction can be ruled out.
Below is a list of proposed horrible events we plan to implement posthaste, pending feasibility studies. Public feedback is welcomed through December 30.
- Passing asteroid slows Earth’s orbit around sun, making year last longer.
- Gandhi miraculously resurrected, dies from COVID-19.
- Internet only available at libraries, Hampton Inns.
- Paprika shortage
- Idiot coworker becomes your idiot boss.
- Men who are not rich also allowed free rein to do whatever they want, start “I Also” movement
- Airport flight paths rerouted directly over your home.
- Moon in retrograde
- International Space Station crashes to earth after being contaminated with gravity.
- Sour milk not discovered until poured on last of the cereal.
- Michigan militia begins day trips outside Michigan.
- “Life Is Good” garments found to contain asbestos.
- Mitch McConnell and Nancy Pelosi begin dating.
- Yellowstone supervolcano erupts, spewing old faithfulness across eight states.
- California falls into ocean, polluting Pacific with bad ideas, good vibes, venture capital.
- You find out that you hate your new boyfriend (Taylor Swift only).
- No changes with Texas
- 20% gratuity added to orders of eight tacos or more at Taco Bell.
- Neighbor starts all-tuba band.
- Citizens required by law to give a shit.
- Change in solar wind causes smoke detectors to trigger whenever outside doors are opened.
- An unflattering photo of you becomes a popular meme.
- Canada declares war.
- Widespread woodpecker attacks
- A disease is named after you.
- Lincoln Memorial vandalized with blackface.
- China develops 100% effective COVID vaccine.
- Boss casually mentions you should bring change of work clothes to dinner party.
- Cocoa trees go extinct.
- Mexico also builds wall.
- Your employer begins paying in Bitcoin only.
- Mayan culture reinvigorated. Human sacrifices resume.
- COVID-20 announced
Trader Joe’s Book Club (November 2020)
Mystery
- Signs in the Attic
- The Early Truck with Nothing Broken Inside
- The Radio Mistake
- The Haunted Demo (a Nancy Drew mystery)
- The Spicy Pumpkin
Adventure
- Zamboni Riders at Noon
- Double Bag ‘Em, Double Tag ‘Em: Grocery Warfare
- Two-Hour Payload
Espionage
- Yellow Cone Yes, Yellow Cone No
- Three-Bell: Bad Strawberry
- The Shaw Boundary
Autobiography and Self Help
- There’s None in the Back!, by Karen McCloudy (Author of “Ask and You Shall Receive”)
- Tales of Hardship: They Didn’t Have a Case So I Had to Just Buy Twelve
- Gloves and a Bucket: Cleaning Time Breakdown
- I Thought I’d Clocked In, But My Nightmare Was Just Beginning
- TOS Means Forever
Non-Fiction
- Disco’ed: Not Fun, Not Funky, Not Available
- Deciphering the Bells: Mystical Signals
- Needing Another Bag: Stories of Failure and Excess
- Considerations When Choosing to Live Close to or Far Away from Your Favorite Store
- Some People Don’t Mind Doing the Thing You Hate Most, But They Still Can’t Do It for You
Business Analytics
- They Used to Work Here: Customer Demographic Analysis
- Solved! How Trader Joe’s Turned Selling Products into a Profit Center
- A Modern Treatise Concerning Bag Reusal
- Pandemic Report: Same Things from A Different Vendor
Cooking
- Pumpkin Spice Gluten Free, Vegan, Low Sodium, No Sugar Added, High Fiber, Weird Scandinavian Umami Cookies: Pumpkin Spice Doesn’t Sound So Bad Now Does It?
Books by Anonymous Crew
- Now I Have the Thing but You’re Gone
- Let Me Check the Disappointment Machine
- Don’t Tell Me It’s Mango
- Shift Posting: Work Here Without Working Here
- They Found Me in the Breakroom
I Can Help the Next Person 