Understanding other people’s emotions can be frustrating, but understanding your own emotional responses can be even more trying. Take this quick self-assessment to build awareness of your automatic responses.

Situation: Customer is angry.
You feel:
A. Angry in the same way as the customer
B. Angry in a different way
C. Honestly, really really good
D. Sad, but unsympathetic, that anyone could care so much about brioche

Situation: Out of twenties and tens, need to make $77 in change
You feel:
A. Foolish for not checking drawer when you signed on
B. Foolish for coming back from lunch
C. Foolish for coming to work today
D. An unrepentant rage as you methodically count out fifteen fives and forty nickels

Situation: You somehow cut finger on Sharpie marker
You feel:
A. Confused, but appreciative of the double irony
B. Angry because…goddammit is NOTHING safe to touch?
C. Pleased that now you have something to talk about at lunch
D. Irritated that the cut wasn’t bad enough to warrant a trip to urgent care

Situation: Customer asks for fork
You feel:
A. Indignant, it is you who should be offering the fork
B. Suspicious, because they are not buying a salad
C. Cruel, and you toss it in their bag so they cannot see you gave them a spoon
D. Numb, this is what your life has become. I mean, it’s not that bad but still, numb.

Situation: Jar of Cowboy Caviar is falling off shelf
You feel:
A. Terror as you watch if plummet inch by inch over the course of 60 seconds
B. Calm, knowing that someone else will deal with it since you’re on reg
C. Mischievous because nobody will know that you pushed it off
D. Excited to take an active part in the economy

Situation: Customer at register acting aggravated, but joking, but maybe angry
You feel:
A. Defensive, because it sounds like maybe they are upset that we don’t sell flan, and while that does seem like something we might sell, they need to check themselves because they are not a child and you’re only going to tell them once to shut the fuck up.
B. Patient, waiting for them to roll through all possible moods until they land on one that sticks.
C. Super mellow, but in a chill way, because like, that’s their deal, you know?
D. Interested to hear how flan has shaped their life like the Colorado river has carved the Grand Canyon. This is your one chance to understand this phenomenon. Listen and absorb so that others may learn from your story. Then try to sell them the Belgian chocolate pudding, because it’s the real deal.

Situation: Captain informs you that you’re getting a raise
You feel:
A. Elated, they really appreciate what you bring to the team
B. Relieved, having to pay for lunches will sting this much less
C. Disappointed, you wish the Captain would open up to you about their life instead of circumscribing the discussion to fiduciary considerations.
D. Curious, if your half-assed efforts got you this raise, how much more would you get if you really tried?

Situation: Mate witnesses you talking to coworker
You feel:
A. Guilty, you know you should focus on stacking the maple syrup right
B. Scared, this is the third time this week they’ve caught you talking and you don’t know if they hate you enough to mention it in your review
C. Confident, you can do something dramatically worse to take their mind off the talking
D. Frustrated, of course they never see you when you are working on lunch!

Situation: Customer is feeling fantastic, claims it’s only a matter of DECIDING to have a good day
You feel:
A. Seething dislike paired with wide friendly smile
B. Fear, this person is unbalanced
C. Excited, a person this privileged may be able to help you with your Plan
D. Meh, at least they appreciated you finding the broken egg

Situation: Dickhead you know from school hired
You feel:
A. Terrified, they will turn them all against you
B. Pleased, their horribleness will draw attention away from your shortcomings
C. Schadenfreude, you can tell everyone how this person got banned from the dorms, and invite them to ask why
D. Malicious, after what they did to you, you will make sure they are cleaning up an oil spill by the end of their first day

Keeping a positive attitude is the greatest challenge facing mankind. No more so than in the grocery stores of America, where crappy attitudes can easily plunge below zero to freeze on surfaces and then need to be chiseled off using powerful adjustment tools, like whiskey, or sarcasm.

In an ideal world, lines would be…
A. Even more ideal
B. More sexy, but not creepy
C. Unnecessary, because the ones with guns would prevail! Oh, wait, you said IDEAL? I thought you said post-apocalyptic.
D. Reserved exclusively for people who complain about lines.

What would you recommend a first-time customer start hoarding…
A. Napkins, because they can work as either paper towels or bath tissue and there’s always tons on the shelf because nobody thinks of this.
B. Cookie Butter (both crunchy and smooth because you don’t know which you will need)
C. Reusable bags full of Chomps
D. Whatever got plussed out last night

A good way to handle crowded aisles would be…
A. Install a crowd reduction mechanism, such as hot lava on the floor.
B. Some kind of conveyor belt system that keeps everyone moving at a steady pace and having a miserable time
C. Just give everyone an Everything But The Bagel right as they walk in so they don’t have to all swarm the grocery aisle like it’s the Hajj or something.
D. Even more aisles!

Customers confidently requesting items that don’t exist…
A. Should be subjected to your methodically unenthusiastic assistance.
B. Cause strife in your relationship. Why do they do that? Can’t they see they are hurting both of you?
C. Are very much aware that this is the only store where somebody will at least try to help them.
D. Pay your rent, so yeah, there’s that.

The music on the store radio…
A. Makes you feel edgy and irritable, but also productive, so it’s a lose-win
B. Is part of a psychological experiment, kind of like that Stanford prison thing, but this one is with Mates, and registers, and Phil Collins
C. Is fine. It’s FINE! THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH KATY PERRY!
D. Is chosen by people who do not have emotional responses to music

The parking lot is…
A. Freedom
B. A good place to get away from the hectic excitement of the store, and feel uncomfortably hot or cold during lunch
C. A museum of red paint scuffs on car doors
D. Shared by many, owned by none.

The one strange thing on the grocery list you found…
A. Ketchup Cubes
B. Blue Curaçao Joe Joe’s
C. Sparkling Balsamic Vinegar
D. Instant Cheese

A cut and a grumpy day can be fixed with…
A. Good old-fashioned love and White Cheddar Corn Puffs
B. Midnight Moo applied directly to wound
C. Petty complaining about co-workers’ minor shortcomings
D. One of those huge bandages in the first aid kit and a bunch of antiseptic gel. I mean maybe not, but this is your chance to find out how big those bandages are.

The happy funny customer in your line…
A. Could be the tipping point between a good afternoon or digging through your backpack looking for the pills left over from your root canal.
B. Deserves a free fruit leather.
C. Seems genuine. I’ve heard about these people, but I never believed the stories.
D. Is probably undercover.