Benefits of Both Retail Work and Army Enlistment

• Opportunities for advancement
• Have strangers tritely refer to you as a hero
• Learn how to remain calm while someone is yelling at you
• No pressure to possess or express personal opinions
• Subtle passive aggression tolerated
• Free name tags
• Safety training
• Work under cover of darkness

Advantages of Joining the Army

• Leaders are more experienced than you are
• Solve problems with mortars
• Subsidized uniforms
• Lifetime discounts at stores nationwide
• Performance based on measurable performance
• Free healthcare
• Chance to use cool terms like “mission critical” and “rendezvous”
• Weekends off
• Safety training taken seriously

Advantages of Working Retail

• Malfunctioning equipment probably won’t kill you
• Can theoretically negotiate pay when taking job
• Relaxed haircut guidelines
• Multiple lunch options
• Motivational posters in break room
• Music while you work
• Salary not limited by that of US President
• Theoretically possible annual bonus
• Can quit if things get too bad

Fear of Unbalanced Palettes
Only suckers cut the shrink wrap off a listing palette. If you see it leaning because a flotilla of Sour Scandinavian Swimmers cases is crushing a regretful box of Quinoa Black Bean chips like an exhausted lover slumped over a bored third date, be careful. Just like date night, you are right to be cautious. Just as lust escalated the evening from burgers to bed, your passion to cut can lead to even greater calamity. Don’t rush things, but also don’t run away. This fucked up palette may be the perfect remedy to a boring night. Be patient! Start slow. Little cuts. Tease away the wrapper little by little, pulling out the treasure it hides. The palette calls the shots; don’t go faster than it is comfortable with. When you’re done, go into the bathroom and text your friend, lying about how exciting it was.

Fear of Zamboni Inertia
The thing you call a “Zamboni” isn’t really a Zamboni, but it is surprisingly cumbersome. Speeding through the store can be fun, but due to its inertia it can be unexpectedly difficult to maneuver. Remember, you do not need to fear the Zamboni’s poor cornering if you don’t bother to turn. Ramming into fixtures and customers can be a rewarding way to break things, provoke lawsuits, and end your career at the store without the hassle of needing to craft a letter of resignation. To get the most out of your experience, try glancing off objects to maintain momentum until you are ready for the final crescendo of ramming a wine display while customers scream in terror and your crewmates cheer you on.

Fear of Having to Work With Carl
You work with many nice people, or at least a few that you enjoy. If you do not enjoy working with anyone, and you are not an indentured servant, then you should get a new job as soon as possible. You don’t have to update your resume in a panic during your lunch break, but maybe after you get home today. It’s important. Your health is worth more than working with a bunch of dumb stinging caterpillars who say dumb shit and act unfriendly. Let a bird eat them. You don’t need to be there to watch. But sometimes you may work with someone who is actually a nice person, but they are so nice that they seem to float above the ground, never quite understanding what is going on. They may laugh at things, but never at the right time. They may ask philosophical questions that a ten-year-old could answer in depth.  Worst of all, they will say all this stupid shit right in front of customers, not only undermining all your friendly banter, but turning it into actual insults somehow. And you can’t do anything! You are helpless to stop them from not only ruining the customer’s fun, but also your fun. And there is not enough fun. Please, dear God, everything is not fun enough in life, please do not let me have to work with Carl!

Fear of The Armed Forces
You didn’t really have a plan, but your parents were going to make you move out. It was looking like you’d need to join the Army, if they’d take you, but you wanted to reduce the amount of getting yelled at in your life. The possibility was approaching terrifyingly fast, and if the Army wouldn’t take you then you’ve have to go into the Navy. That would mean being on a boat for months at a time, with the only possible escape being to jump overboard, and they’d probably just rescue you and you’d be in a lot of trouble. Yelling, trouble, lifting heavy stuff, uncomfortable shoes, live grenades: it was all incredibly anxiety provoking. The answer was to work at a grocery store, which avoided everything but the heavy lifting. Plus the food was way better. After a couple years though it may start to seem monotonous. You may get gnocchi fatigue, and find yourself longing for a job working with live grenades. So maybe don’t burn your bridge with the jarheads down at the recruiting office. Is that even possible? Won’t they take anyone willing to open their door? Anyway, play it cool okay? You never know when you may change your mind.

Fear of Leaking
You have one remaining jar of peanut butter and nowhere to hide it. You could turn it on its side on top of the other jars, but it might leak, causing a half-hour of cleaning for a future Crew member mumbling scathing curses about your laziness, intelligence, and the store’s hiring practices. But why is the peanut butter leaking? It has a lid that is sealed, and an inner seal as well. HOW IS THE OIL GETTING OUT?! And if it leaks out, doesn’t that mean that jar was bad anyway, since the seal was broken? Right? Shouldn’t we put them all on their sides to find the bad ones? There are no rational answers in this case. Be afraid. Spoil the extra jar, or hide it behind the Hair Mask in HABA. Nobody cares as long as they don’t have to clean peanut oil off of six bottles and the shelf underneath them. Speaking of HABA, same deal with the Laundry Detergent. PRO TIP: Only spaghetti should be on its side.

Fear of Yucky Chicken Juice
Are you a customer? Are you a Crew member? Are you the Captain? Are you a homeless person? Are you a research scientist investigating the Ross Ice Shelf in Antarctica? Are you a panda bear? No matter who you are, you do not like yucky chicken juice. No living creature likes yucky chicken juice. Is it because it’s yucky? Yes, but that’s just the beginning. If yucky chicken juice gets into your body, generally from licking register counters, then you could have yucky tummy issues in the middle of the night, which is one of the least most desirable times for tummy yuckiness. (The most desirable time for tummy yuckiness is when you are at a wedding out of town, and you’re in the wedding party, and you have to stand in the sun on the beach for four hours. Then, when you collapse on the sand to reveal what you had for breakfast, you can at least wash the spots off your tux in the surf.) So yes, be afraid, constantly maintain a healthy fear of yucky chicken juice. Also, wash your hands and wash stuff you’re going to put in your mouth and fry the shit out of any chicken stuff and put any leftovers right in the fridge. If you’re lazy, you can just skip all that and make plans to join Mike and Kaitlin in Bermuda.

Fear of Dry Skin
If your skin has been sanitized then you are safe. But your skin may crack and bleed, and that means you have created pipes into your body for the sickness to easily flow. This paradox is mind-numbingly overwhelming. On the one hand, it would be nice to have an isopropyl alcohol shower installed at the register, constantly raining down a soothing cascade of microbe death onto your hands and everything on the counter. But this would eventually dissolve all your skin, as well as pose a potential fire risk. So the other obvious option is to maintain the integrity of your epidermis through a combination of blind hope and fear of dry skin. You’re doing good! You already have the fear! Now just add the blind hope! Also, if you keep your hands hydrated with Midsummer Night’s Cream Hand and Body Cream then probably the sickness can’t get inside your body. It’s got TWO “creams” in its name, so that’s enough for soft hands AND a cup of coffee. (Yes, that is its name. Look at the label. But don’t put it in coffee. I am saying irresponsible things.) That’s what we keep saying over and over in our head, and it’s working pretty well, so we strongly recommend this as a diversion mantra.

Fear of Supple Slippery Skin
As soon as you put lotion on your hands, to stop the scratchy bleedy claw monster, it ALWAYS happens that you have to pick up a wine bottle. Or something else glass and slippery and nasally offensive. Dropping a thing is a humiliating big mess that needs to be cleaned up, and you have to get another of the thing for the customer if you’re on reg, plus ask another Crew to clean up your mess. So tremble, yes, you have reason to be afraid. You have no way out. You have to eventually pick up the thing, and if you drop it everyone will think you’re an idiot, but it will be okay. Nobody really gives a shit about a bottle of wine anyway, especially not some TJ Coastal Zinfandel. Listen, when your work shirt gets too dirty to clean, you were going to use it as a rag, right? Just start that process right now by wiping your soft, lotion hands on your shirt. If you’re lucky it will create a grease stain that won’t come out, and you’ll have a new yellow rag to clean your car or stove with.