So you want to succeed at Trader Joe’s? You’ll need to have these minimum requirements.

…to get hired at Trader Joe’s:

• Willingness to work days and times previously enjoyed unproductively with friends
• A knack for tactfully discussing super weirdo products without coming right out and saying that they sound disgusting
• Inside connections

…to work a register:

• World-class ability to ascertain how people are doing today
• Comfortable with policy of non-interference when customer knocks 20 chocolate bars off stuffed shelf
• Basic grounding in technology framework of 30-year-old computer interfaces
• Strong not-dropping-things skills
• Comfortable around bells (bell will be provided)
• Avid interest in deciding if the receipt paper needs to be replaced

…to be in charge of the line at the front door:

• Ability to ask rudimentary questions and make simple requests, while avoiding angry onslaught of suburban hate kittens
• Ability to use clipboard to keep track of store capacity while creating intricate doodles for the next person in charge to see
• Willingness to count, or if unwilling, to ask another Crew member to check your count
• Ability to proactively diffuse line revolt by explaining to the person at the front of the line that the person who just walked in was a Crew member
• Ability to conduct cheerfully sympathetic conversations with frantic people who JUST. NEED. ONE. THING. THAT’S IT!

…to stock dry grocery:

• Understanding of vertical can nesting principles, and simmering bitterness that glass jar science has fallen so far behind
• Ability to unfold ladder facing the right way within two tries
• Ability to kneel on concrete slab as if you’re about to be beheaded, while trying to force bags of almonds to stand upright in their dark and hateful cave home
• Understanding of importance of not fucking around with stuff in glass jars because they WILL break
• Ability to make facing look like it’s two-deep
• Willingness to be vaguely aware that there are different kinds of wheat, like durum, and that semolina is not technically a wheat variety. No understanding of why anyone should care about these things is required.
• Ability to differentiate canned skipjack tuna from cat food
• Interest in opening Taco Seasoning Mix boxes without them ending up looking like a bear found them at a campsite
• Desire to determine what type of thing tapenade is

…to clean bathroom:

• Ability to justify cursory cleaning efforts with arguments citing importance of speed
• A strong opinion, although fire should never be used in the cleaning process, of why fire should be used in the cleaning process
• Curiosity to find out why the strap on the baby changing station inhibits it from closing completely
• Ability to give preference to coverage over accuracy when spraying
• Level III Certification for maintaining 2-roll toilet paper dispenser, including spin direction and theory of second roll importance/usage.
• Heroic willingness to lift terrifying gossamer trash bag full of the worst filth in the store out of the can without ripping it

…to be a Mate:

• Ability to adjust circadian rhythm as needed, like a Navy Seal
• Pathological aversion to Ron Jon
• Willingness to yell at another Mate over the intercom after the store closes to check your math skills
• Deep understanding of what jokes are inappropriate, versus what jokes are hilarious when the Captain is not around
• Ability to resist involvement in shenanigans, even during extreme temptation
• Remember when you were a kid and you played store and you had a little pouch that you put the money in that you took from people? What would you say if I told you that you could live that dream again?
• Huddle Aficionado, Level 2+
• Guiding through chiding philosophy