Category Archives: Communication

Important Forms, Part 6

Bureaucracy, Communication

Form TJ0111: Mumble Trap
When someone seems to be making an attempt to communicate with you, but you are unable to understand them, retrieve a Form TJ0111 from one of the form racks at the end of each aisle and ask them to complete Section I (Premise of Conversation). They should put checkmarks by all applicable items to indicate whether they A) Have a Question, B) Would Like to Share a Comment, of if they C) Weren’t talking to you. They should also indicate whether they “Require a response.” Even if they weren’t talking to you, it is important to resolve all mumble-based conflicts in the store. Impress upon them the importance of continuing to fill out Section II (Needs). In the space provided, they should list all things they need. Even if they do not require a response they should complete this section. Their list should be exhaustive, and include products, services, clarification of store policies, and philosophical issues needing resolution. If at any point they resist completing the form, do not engage them verbally. Highlight Section III (Clarity Waiver), and indicate that they should initial the statement “I understand that the sounds I make do not meet the criteria for communication, but I wish to continue attempting audible discussion. I understand that you will do the best you can to assist me, but that at any point you may lead me up to the Bridge and foist me off on a Mate.”

Form RG0004: Semi-Transactional Request
If you ask a customer at register if they found everything they were looking for, and they admit that they did not, ask them to complete Form RG0004. They should provide product names or vague descriptions (in a bag, salty, gluten free snacks, etc.), and indicate desired quantities. Ask them to initial the statement “I understand that by requesting this, and as an indication of good will, I should stand here at the register until the Crew member returns with the information or product, but I am free to leave at any time.”

Form RG0505: Hidden Object Investigation
When a customer begins telling you about unseen objects in the cart they are either warning you of dangers, acting on a hunch, or seeing into the future. In any case it is best to document their claims with RG0505. Ask them to complete Section I (Unseen Items), and list the approximate location of each one. Do not allow them to dig for the claimed objects as it could taint the evidence. As you remove items from the cart and uncover the hidden objects, update the form with actual locations. If any undeclared objects are discovered, such as shopping lists or sex toys, list them in Section II (Unexpected Discoveries). If the condition of the recovered artifact differs significantly from the original description you should document those details in Section III (Deviations). Before the customer leaves, review the accuracy of their projections and overall score with them, and explain what options are available to take their instincts to the next level.

Form RG0003: Mumble Storm
Consider using this form if a customer is speaking quietly and mumbling, but only if they are acting like they expect a response from you. Mark sections Section I (Payment Method) and Section II (Packing) with a highlighter pen and hand it to them with a pen. For payment method they should put a check by one or more options: “Do you take checks? I have a check,” “I have this card, can I use this?” or “Money.” In Section II (Packing) they should indicate whether they want a “bag”, “double bag”, “a box”, or “I’ve got small strangely shaped bags.” If they write freeform instructions in the margins, then inform the remaining customers in line that they should switch lines and flip form over to reveal Form TJ0002b (Mumble Storm Chaser). Check the box that says “Mumble assist please,” sign your name and indicate register number. Fold and seal, then ring a two-bell and give it to a Crew member to deliver to a Mate.

Difficult Customer Conversations, Part 8

Communication, COVID-19

Situation: Customer has plans to not wear a mask in the store since they’ve had a hell of a day, and now this, and if a mask can’t stop their voice from escaping then how can it hold back a virus, if that’s even a real thing, because viruses are probably a thousand times smaller than sound. Also, they just kind of feel angry a lot of the time.
Talking points: Several hours before you encounter this situation you should mentally practice informing them as sympathetically as possible that they will need to change their plans.

Situation: Customer does not understand concept of a production delay.
Talking points: This is a unique opportunity to express empathy with the customer, because you also do not really know what a production delay is. You say it all the time, but usually have no specific information about what it means. Let them know you have no fucking clue, and that you could be waiting for the next growing season of cashews, or maybe it’s due to the Gingermints factory burning down. It may paradoxically be more difficult to explain a delay if QIL gives more details, such as “Port delay,” because you have no experience working at a port. It might conceivably be a euphemism for a military coup, a ship grounded on a sand bar, a shipping container leaking unidentified black goo, or a single missing signature on the manifest. Invite them to sit down with you, have a cup of coffee, and make a list of all imaginable meanings of a production delay. If they are hesitant, suggest that you could sweeten the deal by opening a bag of Scandinavian Swimmers to share. It’s okay to let them know that you share their frustration, but do not reveal how lonely you are.

Situation: Customer has been to better Trader Joe’s.
Talking points: Let them know that it is true, you have never been to New York City. Ask them details about their store and enthusiastically agree that it sounds fantastic, and that you will add it to your NYC bucket list, under the Glass Waterfall Tunnel, the UN Meditation Room, and the Abandoned Smallpox Hospital. Coming from someone with such a vitriolic objection to prices being stuck on the bouquet wrappers, their thinly veiled insults should not have come as a surprise.

Situation: Excuse me…
Talking points: Vicky, can you help this customer because I’m on lunch?

Difficult Customer Conversations, Part 7

Communication

Situation: Customer asks what the bells are for.
Talking points: Customers are always curious to learn more about the bells! Let them know the bells are how we call for assistance. For instance, if we have a rush then we ring the bell once to call for an additional cashier. Two rings of the bell means we need an acolyte devoted to the Cause to procure Arcane Materials for us. If they hear three bell tolls, that indicates an abiding displeasure in the Realm, and a senior demigod is needed to use their Key of Repairing to appease a discontented spirit. Explain that if they ever hear more than three bell chimes in a row, they should drop everything and run from the store without hesitation. Crew members will attempt to suspend their transactions, and if the hell-rift is not blocking access to the back room then they will move the suspended orders into The Box. At a later date when the protective seals have been restored to the Realm of Groceria, they will have plenty of time to safely purchase their Ebay store inventory.

Situation: Customer loves our cards. Customer thinks they are so great, so cheap. Customer buying shit-ton of cards to have on hand for all occasions. Customer puts cards in special drawer. All the customer’s problems with sentimental issues, personal relationships, have been solved.
Talking points: Just let them talk. Mention the Rose Water Facial Toner if they pause.

Situation: Customer complaining about weather.
Talking points: First, determine if today is Wednesday. If today is not Wednesday, then comment that “There’s supposed to be more on Wednesday.” If today is Wednesday, then say you never thought Wednesday would be like this. If pressed on any comment respond vaguely. Consider using pseudo-philosophical statements, such as, “Well that’s just how it always goes, you know.”

Situation: Customer is super cute and comes to your register. Customer says they think you are cute and has always been too intimidated to come to your line. Suggests you get together for a round of disc golf and then dinner at their place. Asks if you like the wine they’re buying.
Talking points: This is not a real situation. Get back to work.

Difficult Customer Conversations, Part 6

Communication, Products

Situation: Customer wants Strawberry Beet Juice.
Talking points: Not applicable. Never has been.

Situation: Customer thanks you for showing up to work, performing baseline duties.
Talking points: Thank them, but say that it would really help you if they could write the Nobel Committee to nominate you for the Retail Hospitality Award. You’re hoping to avoid a replay of last year when Brayden won, which was super disappointing.

Situation: Customer refers to you by name.
Talking points: Ask the customer to repeat what they just said. When they say your name, look puzzled. Gaze down at your nametag, remove it, and put it in your pocket. Inform them that [your name] isn’t available, but you are happy to help. Assist them with their question, and when done, put your nametag back on your shirt while they watch.

Situation: Customer claims to be doing great due to being “above ground.”
Talking points: Smile and nod to acknowledge their shallow appraisal of the value of life. Suggest that they round out their perfectly unpunctuated day with some mac and cheese.

Situation: Customer is sorry to bother you.
Talking points: Let them know that you are also sorry, very sorry, but there is nothing that either of you can do about it now. The bother is already laid on the table, so you might as well work through it and do your best to try and move past this black mark on your day.

Difficult Customer Conversations, Part 5

Communication

Situation: Customer displeased with weather.
Talking points: Tell them you are also extremely upset by the weather. Apologize that you do not feel that you can talk about it due to your grief and trauma. Continue the remainder of the transaction in silence.

Situation: Customer has split order, heaped into cart without rhyme or reason.
Talking points: Ring a two-bell and have an empty cart brought up. Give the cart to the customers and tell them they can separate their orders into the two carts. Make sure they understand that you will watch them in silence as they do it.

Situation: Customer fills flower bag with water, leaves in cart without any indication of spill hazard.
Talking points: It’s important to realize that the customer may have had good reasons for putting an open sack of water in the cart without any indicator. Before reacting to the needless spill with anger, try to understand their perspective on the matter. Ask if they have ever had experience with how fluids act in the presence of a gravitational environment. Ask if they understand the purpose and mechanics of language. Let them know that you are sympathetic and that if they grew up blind, unable to speak, on the Moon isolated from all other humans, then you understand their difficulty in acting appropriately. Do not continue the transaction until you have clarity on their specific perspective.

Situation: Customer stops right by another customer, completely blocking aisle.
Talking points: The ideal way to address this situation is to be a Ranger, level 25 or above. Cast a Canyon of Chaos incantation to drive a rift between the customers, making a way for others to pass. If you are a low-level Ranger then consider casting a Whirlwind spell to break them apart enough that they can be pushed aside with the help of other customers. If you are not a spell caster, then build a campfire and rest for the night to restore your life points.

Things to Discuss

Communication, General Malaise, Lists
  • Customers who have never been in the store before and don’t really care anything about Trader Joe’s but just needed a bottle of water or a banana
  • Putting eggs on the bottom of the bag isn’t necessarily a mistake, but people generally have stronger feelings on the topic than they do about their preferred brand of toothpaste, so be ready for it.
  • If you’re going to get replacement eggs, make sure they aren’t also broken before you bring them back, cause, like that’s the whole deal.
  • Yes, we sell chocolate. Glad I could help.
  • No one’s ever heard of this kind of apple before, but it has its own produce code that actually works, which means it was in the computer before we even knew it existed…whoa. Glen said it’s pretty good.
  • My scanner area is special to me and it is fragile. Please put your basket on the special basket shelf. THIS IS ALL I’VE GOT! RESPECT MY SPACE!
  • When your children help me they aren’t helping. I’m happy to pretend and enable then to have a fun time at the store, but if they drop a bottle of pasta sauce then I will stand and watch you clean it up on your knees before I check you out.
  • If I’m not clocked in yet, and customers are asking me questions that require some investigation, but if I help them then I will be late clocking in, plus not getting paid for working, but if I tell them I can’t help them then I’ll probably get in trouble, right? Whew. Where to start with the rage?
  • Signs: The Pretty vs. Informative vs. Speed vs. If They Want a Sign They Can Make Their Own Damn Sign Debate
  • Only two people in the store know the truth about why we sell three different types of pizza dough, and they’re not talking.
  • The new guy: what’s his deal?
  • How to get out of helping a customer if you really actually are in the middle of something important and can’t help them. Or if you really have to pee.
  • Fives are legal tender. It’s not your fault they only left home with a fifty and only bought an apple. If you give them nine fives they have to take them. It’s the law. If you don’t open the drawer very wide then they probably can’t see you have tens.
  • Yes, I dropped the onion. Did anyone see me pick it up? I should have a clear conscience. It’s an onion. You don’t eat the outside parts. Does everyone think like this?
  • Is the truck here? Is the truck coming? It’s late again! What the hell! Why is the truck always late! How hard is it to drive an hour on the interstate! Where do they get these drivers! Is it the warehouse’s fault? Aaaaaaa! Everyone but me is stupid!!!!
  • The beautiful ultra-fit couple who refuse to engage in friendly chit chat and are only buying boring stuff: I bet they are unhappy and their friends talk behind their backs.
  • Have you tried that thing before? Yeah, it’s good isn’t it? Yeah.
  • Just because you are old does not mean it is okay for you to block the store exit. Also, doors have worked the same way since rock tombs. And they work the exact same way in Estonia too. So move over or get out. We’re through with your weird psychological game.

Difficult Customer Conversations, Part 4

Communication, COVID-19

Situation: Customer forgot to bring pants/mask to wear while shopping.
Talking points: If the customer is wearing pants but no mask, then call for a manager to speak with them about social distancing. If they are wearing a mask but no pants then express your admiration for their endurance during the inclement weather. Offer to let them borrow a pair of pants from the store to use while they shop. If the customer is wearing neither pants nor a mask, the root issues at play are not obvious. Ring a two-bell and request folding chairs. Sit down with the customer. Get to know them. Really dig deep. Start with today and travel backward. Allow all other customers to come and go as they please.

Situation: Person asks Crew at front door what line is for.
Talking points: This is a surprising point of confusion, but some people have never encountered a line at any time in their life. Maintain your patience, and explain that the line is for waiting. Do not offer further details as it may be a phishing scheme.

Situation: Customer has polenta preference.
Talking points: This is a highly suspect claim. Keep the conversation brief. Divert to non-polenta topics, such as crunchy foods like biscotti or dry pasta. Avoid mentioning products with squishy textures, such as tofu, as it may provide a door to bring the discussion back around to polenta. Call for bagging help to expedite the customer’s exit.

Situation: Timeclock sounds angry, says angry things.
Talking points: The timeclock is always angry. The timeclock hates you continuously, every day, even if it’s your day off, and every night. The timeclock extra-hates you in leap years, when it has an extra 24 hours to be brimming with seething anger. It’s always surprised by leap day, which is ironic since it’s a timeclock. But it is, because it is so full of malaise that it has forfeited its sight into the future. The timeclock wants you to leave forever and take your dumb time with you. The timeclock should not be appeased. Don’t bring yourself down to its level. Talk to a management helper person for assistance.

Difficult Customer Conversations, Part 3

Communication

Situation: Customer shopping at the store for the first time.
Talking points: Ask about their experience. Get their thoughts on our products. Describe how things were so much better before we had to stop all the fun stuff, like sampling products. Since the Demo Station is closed, explain that we can’t prepare food for them in the store, but that you would be pleased to prepare a meal for them at your place, but not on the first visit because that would be inappropriate. Give them one of your Crew Contact cards and invite them to call or text 24/7. If you are willing to travel to them, let them know. Find out if they are into massage or traditional Japanese music in advance of your meeting to avoid any awkward situations.

Situation: Customer wants to see same product with different expiration date options before deciding to buy.
Talking points: You carry a marker for a reason. Use it.

Situation: Ice buildup on walls of freezers in store.
Talking points: Call regional manager to discuss abatement options and timeline. Make it clear you are willing to adjust your schedule to meet with him in person, and that you are willing to travel halfway as long as mileage is reimbursed.

Situation: Customer traveled for 25 minutes to get to this, their favorite store.
Talking points: At the end of the transaction give the customer a Diehard sticker, and if they do not yet have a Diehard Rank Card then provide them with one. Explain that when they fill it up with 10 Diehard stickers they can redeem the card for a new Diehard Rank Card, which they can also fill with stickers as they earn them. Invite the customer, at their convenience, to consider how blessed their life is.

Difficult Customer Conversations, Part 2

Communication, General Malaise

Situation: Shopping cart left outside corral in parking lot.
Talking points: Nobody is near, so nobody can hear you. Try mumbling under your breath. Assert that this kind of bullshit never happens in Canada. Then reflect on the fact that this kind of bullshit happens constantly as a part of daily shopping life in many parts of the country, and people seem to deal with it just fine. Consider your privilege. That said, enjoy a little time to yourself as you calm down. Have a smoke or whatever. Just chill, man.

Situation: Shopping cart left at register after purchase while customer walks away.
Talking points: If you have already given notice and it is your last day working at the store, you should yell after them as they walk away, “Oh, that’s fine I’ll take your cart out of the store since you are too lazy and stupid to know that our Cart Vaporizer is broken and it doesn’t just disappear when you leave it behind! That is 100% not a problem!” If it is NOT your last day, then make eye contact with a coworker instead, and send silent telepathic hate vibrations for them to empathize with.

Situation: Customer searching for product recommended by friend.
Talking points: What type of thing is it? Is it crunchy? What color is it? Do you have a photo? Can you start a video call with your friend? Ask manager if you can take a lengthy break to slowly meander through the store showing customer’s friend every organic product until they remember they got it at Costco. When they gush thanks for all your help, stare them in the eyes for a full second of silence. Do not blink. Tell them it was no trouble at all, and you were happy to help them out. It is important to never blink. They may reply in some way. Keep staring, not blinking. Do not move. Keep your unblinking stare focused on them. Imagine they are a Hobbit and you are the eye of Sauron, never blinking, always projecting hate. Continue until they walk out of sight.

Situation: Customer lets you know that several limes on shelf are bad.
Talking point: Thank them for the incredibly vague information, making it clear that they have been extremely helpful. No further action needed. The morning crew will find the limes if they are bad. They do that, right? The morning crew looks for those things? Consider adding a huddle note.

Next up: Date codes