- Choose a different name as a proactive step toward slowing the proliferation of Sarahs.
- Order less saffron.
- Come clean about your involvement in the Great Champs Elysées Rotation Scandal of 2020.
- Issue a dissenting opinion concerning the monthly fridge cleaning policy.
- Clock back in from lunch on time. Try it once to see how it feels.
- Park right up front. Enter the store wearing a sequined vest, lavender suede shoes, and fedora sporting a 2-foot-long pheasant feather. (Licensed drivers only.)
- Learn to be more self-sufficient and rely less on others for emotional support by treating everyone around you horribly, and generally being a selfish weasel, making them unwilling to speak to you.
- Take one for the team by cleaning all that dust out from behind the bags.
- Share the eggs. Go ahead, do it. You’re not really that busy are you?
- Increase your product knowledge, familiarity with the return process.
- What happens when you vacuum up a blueberry? Find out.
- Make a mental note after cleaning out your pants pockets to bring the key to the paper towels dispenser back to work.
- Spend more time perfecting your Ariana Grande impression to avoid a repeat of the lukewarm reception tonight’s intercom performance received.
- Jazz up your huddle notes.
- Be straight with your customers when they ask probing questions about tahini.
- Bring home the box you put in the break room that’s in everyone’s way.
- Carry a copy of your CV with you at all times, in case you meet a customer looking for an intern.
- Shake up your stale routine! Find a new place to hide when checking your phone.
- Spellcheck your notes in the Captain’s Log.
- Take down the customer’s name and phone number when writing a hold request, so you can call them from time to time to see how things are working out with all that Hatch Chile Mac & Cheese.
- You don’t have to wait for the company to decide your future. Enroll in a Big Joe operator certification course on your own.
- Steal one Sharpie a week, unless you have anything better to do.
- Try trying to try.
- Learn to recognize the warning signs of Cookie Butter dependence.
Difficult Customer Conversations, Part 4
Situation: Customer forgot to bring pants/mask to wear while shopping.
Talking points: If the customer is wearing pants but no mask, then call for a manager to speak with them about social distancing. If they are wearing a mask but no pants then express your admiration for their endurance during the inclement weather. Offer to let them borrow a pair of pants from the store to use while they shop. If the customer is wearing neither pants nor a mask, the root issues at play are not obvious. Ring a two-bell and request folding chairs. Sit down with the customer. Get to know them. Really dig deep. Start with today and travel backward. Allow all other customers to come and go as they please.
Situation: Person asks Crew at front door what line is for.
Talking points: This is a surprising point of confusion, but some people have never encountered a line at any time in their life. Maintain your patience, and explain that the line is for waiting. Do not offer further details as it may be a phishing scheme.
Situation: Customer has polenta preference.
Talking points: This is a highly suspect claim. Keep the conversation brief. Divert to non-polenta topics, such as crunchy foods like biscotti or dry pasta. Avoid mentioning products with squishy textures, such as tofu, as it may provide a door to bring the discussion back around to polenta. Call for bagging help to expedite the customer’s exit.
Situation: Timeclock sounds angry, says angry things.
Talking points: The timeclock is always angry. The timeclock hates you continuously, every day, even if it’s your day off, and every night. The timeclock extra-hates you in leap years, when it has an extra 24 hours to be brimming with seething anger. It’s always surprised by leap day, which is ironic since it’s a timeclock. But it is, because it is so full of malaise that it has forfeited its sight into the future. The timeclock wants you to leave forever and take your dumb time with you. The timeclock should not be appeased. Don’t bring yourself down to its level. Talk to a management helper person for assistance.
Difficult Customer Conversations, Part 3
Situation: Customer shopping at the store for the first time.
Talking points: Ask about their experience. Get their thoughts on our products. Describe how things were so much better before we had to stop all the fun stuff, like sampling products. Since the Demo Station is closed, explain that we can’t prepare food for them in the store, but that you would be pleased to prepare a meal for them at your place, but not on the first visit because that would be inappropriate. Give them one of your Crew Contact cards and invite them to call or text 24/7. If you are willing to travel to them, let them know. Find out if they are into massage or traditional Japanese music in advance of your meeting to avoid any awkward situations.
Situation: Customer wants to see same product with different expiration date options before deciding to buy.
Talking points: You carry a marker for a reason. Use it.
Situation: Ice buildup on walls of freezers in store.
Talking points: Call regional manager to discuss abatement options and timeline. Make it clear you are willing to adjust your schedule to meet with him in person, and that you are willing to travel halfway as long as mileage is reimbursed.
Situation: Customer traveled for 25 minutes to get to this, their favorite store.
Talking points: At the end of the transaction give the customer a Diehard sticker, and if they do not yet have a Diehard Rank Card then provide them with one. Explain that when they fill it up with 10 Diehard stickers they can redeem the card for a new Diehard Rank Card, which they can also fill with stickers as they earn them. Invite the customer, at their convenience, to consider how blessed their life is.
Important Forms, Part 3
Form TJ0005: Lost Help
If customer looks confused and is craning their head around clearly looking for something but claims that they are just browsing, please have them fill out this form which waives their right to ask for any assistance later. If they refuse to cooperate, write “refused to sign” at bottom. Explain to them that the store will keep this copy in their records, but if they need a copy they can request one at the Bridge during normal store hours. Make certain they understand that notary services are not included and if they need notarization then they need to arrange for one themselves.
Form SH0001: Shaw Certificate
Features the unofficial Shaw motto: “Good enough for everyday use, strong enough for family gatherings.” Keep a stack of these certificates at the register and complete one for every order with more than one bottle of Shaw. Note how many of each varietal are being purchased in the spaces provided. Only one Certificate should be issued per order, and additional notations can be made on the back. For customers purchasing a case of Shaw, point out how they can cut apart the box to make a handsome frame for the Certificate. If they would like a commemorative photo of them holding the certificate while standing in front of the Shaw stacks then ring a two-bell and request a “cork popper.”
Form MVA0001: Home Office Contact
Customer request to inform home office about a product. Indicate whether it is a discontinued product they want back, one they want us to start carrying, or an issue with a product. Customer is required to indicate the exact person at the home office who should be informed of these things. If they do not know which person is appropriate, have them browse a printout of the corporate directory so that they can choose. If they can’t decide who to choose, try recommending a mid- to senior-level Marketing person, because they seem likely to care about things like this. Make sure that they initial the box that says, “Due to a high volume of requests, responses may take up to 6 months to get answered. Any requests sent to individuals at Director level or above will be ignored.”
Captain Feelings
“Captain Feelings” would be an excellent name for a reality show that takes place on a yacht owned by an empathic philanthropist who guides lusty passengers on a journey through a sea of shallow emotions, eventually ending up in Cancun. While this is pretty far removed from most people’s experience with captains, some Crew suspect that the Captain of their store may, in fact, be capable of emotional responses. Although limited, there are reports substantiated by independent witnesses where a Captain has been seen to smile. There have even been isolated reports of Captains jump starting a crew member’s car, which could possibly indicate some underlying capacity for empathy. However, in general, the feeling most commonly observed with Captains is anger, followed closely by disappointment. Occasionally a Captain will make efforts to counter their reputation of being a hollow mechanization of greedy corporate zealotry, by utilizing their mouth movement abilities to send semi-plausible friendliness sounds toward various Crew. However, this is often confusing to their targets, since the Crew had long assumed that the Captain was a supernatural being, unable to directly communicate with sub-beings, and primarily specializing in requisitioning fixture repairs, or in rare instances concrete work. Perhaps due to the language differences between the two species, Captains’ efforts to express feelings are often bewildering to the Crew. A Crew member may initially assume that they are in trouble, and the Captain will have spoken several sentences before the paralyzed Crew realizes that they are being thanked for making a bale. While Crew members very much appreciate knowing that the Captain is concerned for their wellbeing, and appreciates their work, having this directly communicated to them is unnerving.
Top 10 Reasons for Getting in Trouble
- Changing Shares icon to photo of Cher
- Involvement in disappearance of store mascot
- Fortress of banana boxes
- Impersonating hard worker
- Selling copies of baler key on eBay
- Illegible signature on manifest
- Tolerance/Intolerance (Mates only)
- Incorrect rendering of number nine on signs (Art Team only)
- Kale possession with intent
- NCNS
Difficult Customer Conversations, Part 2
Situation: Shopping cart left outside corral in parking lot.
Talking points: Nobody is near, so nobody can hear you. Try mumbling under your breath. Assert that this kind of bullshit never happens in Canada. Then reflect on the fact that this kind of bullshit happens constantly as a part of daily shopping life in many parts of the country, and people seem to deal with it just fine. Consider your privilege. That said, enjoy a little time to yourself as you calm down. Have a smoke or whatever. Just chill, man.
Situation: Shopping cart left at register after purchase while customer walks away.
Talking points: If you have already given notice and it is your last day working at the store, you should yell after them as they walk away, “Oh, that’s fine I’ll take your cart out of the store since you are too lazy and stupid to know that our Cart Vaporizer is broken and it doesn’t just disappear when you leave it behind! That is 100% not a problem!” If it is NOT your last day, then make eye contact with a coworker instead, and send silent telepathic hate vibrations for them to empathize with.
Situation: Customer searching for product recommended by friend.
Talking points: What type of thing is it? Is it crunchy? What color is it? Do you have a photo? Can you start a video call with your friend? Ask manager if you can take a lengthy break to slowly meander through the store showing customer’s friend every organic product until they remember they got it at Costco. When they gush thanks for all your help, stare them in the eyes for a full second of silence. Do not blink. Tell them it was no trouble at all, and you were happy to help them out. It is important to never blink. They may reply in some way. Keep staring, not blinking. Do not move. Keep your unblinking stare focused on them. Imagine they are a Hobbit and you are the eye of Sauron, never blinking, always projecting hate. Continue until they walk out of sight.
Situation: Customer lets you know that several limes on shelf are bad.
Talking point: Thank them for the incredibly vague information, making it clear that they have been extremely helpful. No further action needed. The morning crew will find the limes if they are bad. They do that, right? The morning crew looks for those things? Consider adding a huddle note.
Next up: Date codes
Planned Technology Updates, Part 2
QIL (New)
- Generic Spinning Apple will be upgraded to spinning Jazz apple by Q2 2021, with a planned future enhancement to a Rave apple in late 2023.
- When name of discontinued product is entered in search box, screen will go black for 10 seconds while Taps is played.
- Emulation mode will display Product Information link at the top of the page, just like on the Original QIL application, reducing combined scrolling time among all Crew by 13 hours per month (estimated).
- Use of #discontinued, #tos, #regional, #doneforseason, and #toomanyshares hashtags to be encouraged after licensing agreements finalized.
GOLD
- Ability to order specific colors of crew shirts.
- Ability to specify sizes planned for 2022.
Dayforce
- Full native support of Oculus Rift goggles (Bridge computers only)
- Crew option to immediately post all shifts for pick up as soon as they are assigned. Setting will control whether it applies to all shifts or weekends only.
- Ability to follow coworkers and receive notifications when they are fired.
- Five-day advance notice of needing to change your register password.
Time Clock
- Confirmation beeps to be replaced by sound clip of Katy Perry singing “You’re in and you’re out!”
Customer Tips: Asking for Help
There’s nothing wrong with asking for help if you can’t find something. Here are some quick tips to get you started.
Speak loudly enough for the person to hear you. For instance, try imagining that you are talking to someone who is as far from you as the person you want to speak with, and speak loudly enough for that person to hear you. If they don’t seem to react to the sound of your voice, then try using a louder voice. You may want to practice this in a safe place by yourself before going into a real store. Although it may be tempting, don’t play the “feeble old lady who doesn’t understand how acoustics or social interactions work” card. Everyone will be annoyed, and like c’mon, our ancestors have been doing this for like a million years! You’re not fooling us. Having people hear you can be scary, but the communication might be worth it.
Sometimes it can be challenging to understand people speaking through a mask. To minimize frustration, experts recommend using real words, and if possible not being super drunk. A handy rule of thumb is to pretend that the person you are talking to doesn’t already know ahead of time what you are saying, so they might need to rely on hearing the sounds you are using to make word shapes in the air. If those word shapes are weird or blurry, then maybe go sleep in your car for a while until you sober up, or go stand in front of a mirror to practice moving your lips to form sounds. Stick with it! If elected officials can do it, so can you!
Ask about real things that exist and are not complete imaginary fairy dust magic. It’s okay to keep it simple! You could say, “I need eggs,” and see what happens. Or even something complex like, “I want to make a soup with beans, and some kind of meat, and veggies I guess, but I don’t know where to start.” Store personnel are extensively trained to field questions like these. But they are not trained for requests like, “Where is the squeaky sauce? Also, I need those balloon grapes.” Nobody will know what you are talking about. Because you are batshit crazy. Keep those things inside your head if possible.
If you’re asking how to find something that you are standing literally right in front of…you know what, that’s totally okay. We’ve all done it, so don’t sweat it. It’s just groceries. We’re not saving people from a collapsed coal mine. If anybody at the store says anything bad about you then they need to get their own house in order first and zip their lips. They are constantly doing stupid things, and even breaking stuff. Do they feel bad? No, and you shouldn’t either.
Although in a strict Freudian therapeutic setting people will sometimes talk to people who are behind them and completely out of sight, common social conventions suggest that discussions with people who can see that you are talking to them are particularly successful. If the person you want to speak to cannot see you, consider using an opening such as, “Excuse me…” or even the more casual, “Hi…” A question, or implied question, works best. If you only say, “the rice pasta,” or “Cookies, cookies, oh, jackfruit,” they won’t know you are trying to talk to them, because only people who are loopy from breathing the fumes wafting up from the gasoline they spilled on their pants will grammatically fail like that. To recap: When in doubt, use full sentences that are questions, and stand within view of the person you’re talking to.
People at the store may even want to communicate with you! Sometimes stores close, just for the day, not forever. Usually this happens after dark. It seems strange, but have you ever been driving at night and seen a gas station that had it’s lights off? That’s because it was closed. Gas stations stay open way later than most grocery stores. If you’re in a store and you seem to be the only customer, ask yourself, “When I leave here, can I get gas at my usual gas station, or might I have to go to one by the interstate that is open 24 hours?” If you might have to go to the interstate, and if the store you’re in is not a 24-hour store, then you may be shopping in a closed store. You’re probably the last customer, and they want you to leave. All the other people in the store, the workers, they resent you. You might also infer the store is closed by how extremely helpful the staff get. They REALLY want to help you find what you need. If you need to be in the store more than an additional 3 minutes then you should make up a story about your friend having cancer and you’re putting together a care package. You don’t have to cry, but apologize really a whole lot and don’t try to make a lot of sense. If you do not do this, and you spend another 10 minutes lazily browsing the aisles, then you’ll be cursed, and when you die your soul will have to answer to Ingmar Skarsgård, Director of Retail Operations for Valhalla, who frankly doesn’t give a shit that you couldn’t decide on a cheese for your charcuterie board. He will be pissed. You’ll be totally fucked. It’s not worth it.
Top Product Complaints, December 2020
- Jalapeño Creamer pairs poorly with Free Trade Nicaraguan Light Roast.
- No way to know in advance when naan season will end.
- How am I supposed to manage my eBay shop if you keep limiting how many I can buy?
- Please sign my petition for reparations for people denied Pumpkin Kringles.
- Why do I always have to make beer cold myself instead of just being able to buy one and drink it in the alley?
- I want to buy 12 cases of the energy bar that you had forever and was always in stock until it went out of date and you had to share it because nobody liked it, and now you tell me that you can’t get any more?
- The Tea Tree Oil & Cool Mint Mouth Wash tastes like charcoal soaked in gasoline. I’m concerned that it might actually be flammable because I spilled it on my pajamas.
- I can’t get to the shredded cheeses because that lady is in the way.
- I feel demeaned having to ask if you have more russets in the back.
- I went to Hawaii once, and I can tell you that these “Hawaiian Style” chips are not as good as the ones you get on the Big Island. Everything is so much more relaxed there! They call it “island time.” Look! I got this puka shell bracelet there! Thank you, I love it. Do you have any plans to make a pineapple version of the chips? It’s too bad there isn’t a Trader Joe’s on Oahu. One time I did a helicopter tour on Kauai. It was so beautiful. Do you know when you’re opening a store there? Is Katy here? She always wears a Hawaiian shirt and we always talk about Island Life because she’s been there too. Oh, no it’s okay! I don’t want to bother you! Thank you for going to get her!
- Your selection of farfalle is not as good as they have at farfalleuniverse.net.
- It was a real inconvenience having to move out of the way so you could clean up the bottle of wine that I dropped.
- When you corrected my pronunciation of quinoa I think you were wrong.
- I drove 100 miles just to shop here, but now I find out you’re out of Huey Lewis and I have to settle for Gwen Stefani?
- Sudden, loud, breathy sigh while standing in front of empty hole where black licorice usually is.
I Can Help the Next Person 