Important Forms, Part 4

Bureaucracy

Form MA0001: Bridge Expansion
Request for size of bridge to be doubled. Must be signed by either the captain, or unanimously by all mates. May be submitted directly to contractors as a bonded purchase order. If there is a dispute wherein the captain requests the enlargement but not all mates agree, then form should be directed to the regional manager for arbitration.

Form TJ0227: Request to Shoplift (Alcohol)
Request to steal a bottle of the expensive wine. Must be submitted three days in advance, to allow for chicken wire to be installed around the wine. Make sure to record their ID information in the spaces provided, as you will not be able to check it after the bottle is stolen.

Form PAN0001: Request for Shorter Outside Line
Crew members may hand out this form to customers in line. When the customer gets to the front of the line make sure you witness them signing it and then they can submit it to you. Provide them with a Line Pass, valid for day of receipt only, non-transferrable.

Form TJ0008: Delayed Inquiry
Inquiry about out of stock item delayed until arriving at the register. Should be signed before two bell is wrung. Inform the customer that in the future they should submit a Search in Back Request form (TJ0007) to ascertain product availability while they are shopping before they get to checkout. Enter their driver’s license information on the bottom of the form and check it against list of previous offenders. If a match is found, ring a three-bell to have a Mate give them a stern warning about how selfishness affects everyone in the store. Any seasonal products with limited availability should be removed from their cart.

Difficult Customer Conversations, Part 5

Communication

Situation: Customer displeased with weather.
Talking points: Tell them you are also extremely upset by the weather. Apologize that you do not feel that you can talk about it due to your grief and trauma. Continue the remainder of the transaction in silence.

Situation: Customer has split order, heaped into cart without rhyme or reason.
Talking points: Ring a two-bell and have an empty cart brought up. Give the cart to the customers and tell them they can separate their orders into the two carts. Make sure they understand that you will watch them in silence as they do it.

Situation: Customer fills flower bag with water, leaves in cart without any indication of spill hazard.
Talking points: It’s important to realize that the customer may have had good reasons for putting an open sack of water in the cart without any indicator. Before reacting to the needless spill with anger, try to understand their perspective on the matter. Ask if they have ever had experience with how fluids act in the presence of a gravitational environment. Ask if they understand the purpose and mechanics of language. Let them know that you are sympathetic and that if they grew up blind, unable to speak, on the Moon isolated from all other humans, then you understand their difficulty in acting appropriately. Do not continue the transaction until you have clarity on their specific perspective.

Situation: Customer stops right by another customer, completely blocking aisle.
Talking points: The ideal way to address this situation is to be a Ranger, level 25 or above. Cast a Canyon of Chaos incantation to drive a rift between the customers, making a way for others to pass. If you are a low-level Ranger then consider casting a Whirlwind spell to break them apart enough that they can be pushed aside with the help of other customers. If you are not a spell caster, then build a campfire and rest for the night to restore your life points.

Minimum Requirements

General Malaise, Lists

So you want to succeed at Trader Joe’s? You’ll need to have these minimum requirements.

…to get hired at Trader Joe’s:

  • Willingness to work days and times previously enjoyed unproductively with friends
  • A knack for tactfully discussing super weirdo products without coming right out and saying that they sound disgusting
  • Inside connections


…to work a register:

  • World-class ability to ascertain how people are doing today
  • Comfortable with policy of non-interference when customer knocks 20 chocolate bars off stuffed shelf
  • Basic grounding in technology framework of 30-year-old computer interfaces
  • Strong not-dropping-things skills
  • Comfortable around bells (bell will be provided)
  • Avid interest in deciding if the receipt paper needs to be replaced


…to be in charge of the line at the front door:

  • Ability to ask rudimentary questions and make simple requests, while avoiding angry onslaught of suburban hate kittens
  • Ability to use clipboard to keep track of store capacity while creating intricate doodles for the next person in charge to see
  • Willingness to count, or if unwilling, to ask another Crew member to check your count
  • Ability to proactively diffuse line revolt by explaining to the person at the front of the line that the person who just walked in was a Crew member
  • Ability to conduct cheerfully sympathetic conversations with frantic people who JUST. NEED. ONE. THING. THAT’S IT!


…to stock dry grocery:

  • Understanding of vertical can nesting principles, and simmering bitterness that glass jar science has fallen so far behind
  • Ability to unfold ladder facing the right way within two tries
  • Ability to kneel on concrete slab as if you’re about to be beheaded, while trying to force bags of almonds to stand upright in their dark and hateful cave home
  • Understanding of importance of not fucking around with stuff in glass jars because they WILL break
  • Ability to make facing look like it’s two-deep
  • Willingness to be vaguely aware that there are different kinds of wheat, like durum, and that semolina is not technically a wheat variety. No understanding of why anyone should care about these things is required.
  • Ability to differentiate canned skipjack tuna from cat food
  • Interest in opening Taco Seasoning Mix boxes without them ending up looking like a bear found them at a campsite
  • Desire to determine what type of thing tapenade is


…to clean bathroom:

  • Ability to justify cursory cleaning efforts with arguments citing importance of speed
  • A strong opinion, although fire should never be used in the cleaning process, of why fire should be used in the cleaning process
  • Curiosity to find out why the strap on the baby changing station inhibits it from closing completely
  • Ability to give preference to coverage over accuracy when spraying
  • Level III Certification for maintaining 2-roll toilet paper dispenser, including spin direction and theory of second roll importance/usage.
  • Heroic willingness to lift terrifying gossamer trash bag full of the worst filth in the store out of the can without ripping it


…to be a Mate:

  • Ability to adjust circadian rhythm as needed, like a Navy Seal
  • Pathological aversion to Ron Jon
  • Willingness to yell at another Mate over the intercom after the store closes to check your math skills
  • Deep understanding of what jokes are inappropriate, versus what jokes are hilarious when the Captain is not around
  • Ability to resist involvement in shenanigans, even during extreme temptation
  • Remember when you were a kid and you played store and you had a little pouch that you put the money in that you took from people? What would you say if I told you that you could live that dream again?
  • Huddle Aficionado, Level 2+
  • Guiding through chiding philosophy

Workplace Fears, Part 2

General Malaise

Fear of Leaking
You have one remaining jar of peanut butter and nowhere to hide it. You could turn it on its side on top of the other jars, but it might leak, causing a half-hour of cleaning for a future Crew member mumbling scathing curses about your laziness, intelligence, and the store’s hiring practices. But why is the peanut butter leaking? It has a lid that is sealed, and an inner seal as well. HOW IS THE OIL GETTING OUT?! And if it leaks out, doesn’t that mean that jar was bad anyway, since the seal was broken? Right? Shouldn’t we put them all on their sides to find the bad ones? There are no rational answers in this case. Be afraid. Spoil the extra jar, or hide it behind the Hair Mask in HABA. Nobody cares as long as they don’t have to clean peanut oil off of six bottles and the shelf underneath them. Speaking of HABA, same deal with the Laundry Detergent. PRO TIP: Only spaghetti should be on its side.

Fear of Yucky Chicken Juice
Are you a customer? Are you a Crew member? Are you the Captain? Are you a homeless person? Are you a research scientist investigating the Ross Ice Shelf in Antarctica? Are you a panda bear? No matter who you are, you do not like yucky chicken juice. No living creature likes yucky chicken juice. Is it because it’s yucky? Yes, but that’s just the beginning. If yucky chicken juice gets into your body, generally from licking register counters, then you could have yucky tummy issues in the middle of the night, which is one of the least most desirable times for tummy yuckiness. (The most desirable time for tummy yuckiness is when you are at a wedding out of town, and you’re in the wedding party, and you have to stand in the sun on the beach for four hours. Then, when you collapse on the sand to reveal what you had for breakfast, you can at least wash the spots off your tux in the surf.) So yes, be afraid, constantly maintain a healthy fear of yucky chicken juice. Also, wash your hands and wash stuff you’re going to put in your mouth and fry the shit out of any chicken stuff and put any leftovers right in the fridge. If you’re lazy, you can just skip all that and make plans to join Mike and Kaitlin in Bermuda.

Fear of Dry Skin
If your skin has been sanitized then you are safe. But your skin may crack and bleed, and that means you have created pipes into your body for the sickness to easily flow. This paradox is mind-numbingly overwhelming. On the one hand, it would be nice to have an isopropyl alcohol shower installed at the register, constantly raining down a soothing cascade of microbe death onto your hands and everything on the counter. But this would eventually dissolve all your skin, as well as pose a potential fire risk. So the other obvious option is to maintain the integrity of your epidermis through a combination of blind hope and fear of dry skin. You’re doing good! You already have the fear! Now just add the blind hope! Also, if you keep your hands hydrated with Midsummer Night’s Cream Hand and Body Cream then probably the sickness can’t get inside your body. It’s got TWO “creams” in its name, so that’s enough for soft hands AND a cup of coffee. (Yes, that is its name. Look at the label. But don’t put it in coffee. I am saying irresponsible things.) That’s what we keep saying over and over in our head, and it’s working pretty well, so we strongly recommend this as a diversion mantra.

Fear of Supple Slippery Skin
As soon as you put lotion on your hands, to stop the scratchy bleedy claw monster, it ALWAYS happens that you have to pick up a wine bottle. Or something else glass and slippery and nasally offensive. Dropping a thing is a humiliating big mess that needs to be cleaned up, and you have to get another of the thing for the customer if you’re on reg, plus ask another Crew to clean up your mess. So tremble, yes, you have reason to be afraid. You have no way out. You have to eventually pick up the thing, and if you drop it everyone will think you’re an idiot, but it will be okay. Nobody really gives a shit about a bottle of wine anyway, especially not some TJ Coastal Zinfandel. Listen, when your work shirt gets too dirty to clean, you were going to use it as a rag, right? Just start that process right now by wiping your soft, lotion hands on your shirt. If you’re lucky it will create a grease stain that won’t come out, and you’ll have a new yellow rag to clean your car or stove with.

Attitude Evaluation

General Malaise, Questions

Keeping a positive attitude is the greatest challenge facing mankind. No more so than in the grocery stores of America, where crappy attitudes can easily plunge below zero to freeze on surfaces and then need to be chiseled off using powerful adjustment tools, like whiskey, or sarcasm.

In an ideal world, lines would be…
A. Even more ideal
B. More sexy, but not creepy
C. Unnecessary, because the ones with guns would prevail! Oh, wait, you said IDEAL? I thought you said post-apocalyptic.
D. Reserved exclusively for people who complain about lines.

What would you recommend a first-time customer start hoarding…
A. Napkins, because they can work as either paper towels or bath tissue and there’s always tons on the shelf because nobody thinks of this.
B. Cookie Butter (both crunchy and smooth because you don’t know which you will need)
C. Reusable bags full of Chomps
D. Whatever got plussed out last night

A good way to handle crowded aisles would be…
A. Install a crowd reduction mechanism, such as hot lava on the floor.
B. Some kind of conveyor belt system that keeps everyone moving at a steady pace and having a miserable time
C. Just give everyone an Everything But The Bagel right as they walk in so they don’t have to all swarm the grocery aisle like it’s the Hajj or something.
D. Even more aisles!

Customers confidently requesting items that don’t exist…
A. Should be subjected to your methodically unenthusiastic assistance.
B. Cause strife in your relationship. Why do they do that? Can’t they see they are hurting both of you?
C. Are very much aware that this is the only store where somebody will at least try to help them.
D. Pay your rent, so yeah, there’s that.

The music on the store radio…
A. Makes you feel edgy and irritable, but also productive, so it’s a lose-win
B. Is part of a psychological experiment, kind of like that Stanford prison thing, but this one is with Mates, and registers, and Phil Collins
C. Is fine. It’s FINE! THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH KATY PERRY!
D. Is chosen by people who do not have emotional responses to music

The parking lot is…
A. Freedom
B. A good place to get away from the hectic excitement of the store, and feel uncomfortably hot or cold during lunch
C. A museum of red paint scuffs on car doors
D. Shared by many, owned by none.

The one strange thing on the grocery list you found…
A. Ketchup Cubes
B. Blue Curaçao Joe Joe’s
C. Sparkling Balsamic Vinegar
D. Instant Cheese

A cut and a grumpy day can be fixed with…
A. Good old-fashioned love and White Cheddar Corn Puffs
B. Midnight Moo applied directly to wound
C. Petty complaining about co-workers’ minor shortcomings
D. One of those huge bandages in the first aid kit and a bunch of antiseptic gel. I mean maybe not, but this is your chance to find out how big those bandages are.

The happy funny customer in your line…
A. Could be the tipping point between a good afternoon or digging through your backpack looking for the pills left over from your root canal.
B. Deserves a free fruit leather.
C. Seems genuine. I’ve heard about these people, but I never believed the stories.
D. Is probably undercover.

Things to Discuss

Communication, General Malaise, Lists
  • Customers who have never been in the store before and don’t really care anything about Trader Joe’s but just needed a bottle of water or a banana
  • Putting eggs on the bottom of the bag isn’t necessarily a mistake, but people generally have stronger feelings on the topic than they do about their preferred brand of toothpaste, so be ready for it.
  • If you’re going to get replacement eggs, make sure they aren’t also broken before you bring them back, cause, like that’s the whole deal.
  • Yes, we sell chocolate. Glad I could help.
  • No one’s ever heard of this kind of apple before, but it has its own produce code that actually works, which means it was in the computer before we even knew it existed…whoa. Glen said it’s pretty good.
  • My scanner area is special to me and it is fragile. Please put your basket on the special basket shelf. THIS IS ALL I’VE GOT! RESPECT MY SPACE!
  • When your children help me they aren’t helping. I’m happy to pretend and enable then to have a fun time at the store, but if they drop a bottle of pasta sauce then I will stand and watch you clean it up on your knees before I check you out.
  • If I’m not clocked in yet, and customers are asking me questions that require some investigation, but if I help them then I will be late clocking in, plus not getting paid for working, but if I tell them I can’t help them then I’ll probably get in trouble, right? Whew. Where to start with the rage?
  • Signs: The Pretty vs. Informative vs. Speed vs. If They Want a Sign They Can Make Their Own Damn Sign Debate
  • Only two people in the store know the truth about why we sell three different types of pizza dough, and they’re not talking.
  • The new guy: what’s his deal?
  • How to get out of helping a customer if you really actually are in the middle of something important and can’t help them. Or if you really have to pee.
  • Fives are legal tender. It’s not your fault they only left home with a fifty and only bought an apple. If you give them nine fives they have to take them. It’s the law. If you don’t open the drawer very wide then they probably can’t see you have tens.
  • Yes, I dropped the onion. Did anyone see me pick it up? I should have a clear conscience. It’s an onion. You don’t eat the outside parts. Does everyone think like this?
  • Is the truck here? Is the truck coming? It’s late again! What the hell! Why is the truck always late! How hard is it to drive an hour on the interstate! Where do they get these drivers! Is it the warehouse’s fault? Aaaaaaa! Everyone but me is stupid!!!!
  • The beautiful ultra-fit couple who refuse to engage in friendly chit chat and are only buying boring stuff: I bet they are unhappy and their friends talk behind their backs.
  • Have you tried that thing before? Yeah, it’s good isn’t it? Yeah.
  • Just because you are old does not mean it is okay for you to block the store exit. Also, doors have worked the same way since rock tombs. And they work the exact same way in Estonia too. So move over or get out. We’re through with your weird psychological game.

Planned Technology Updates, Part 3

Bureaucracy, Corporate, General Malaise, Lists

Card Reader

  • Ability to control device by pushing really hard near the desired button, or repeatedly stabbing with pen
  • Voice recognition to identify frustration and time out transactions sooner
  • Ability to not request cash back when requesting cash back


Bathrooms

  • Upgrading to high durability paper product dispensers, able to withstand 97% of urgency.


Staging Areas

  • New Premium Priority staging areas to be added to the end of each aisle to fast track stocking of preferred sections. 


Flat Carts

  • Improved ramming power
  • Folding stabilizers for safer sitting/lounging


WiFi

  • Boosters installed to amplify free WiFi access from neighboring businesses. 


Paper Bags

  • As a cost cutting measure, glue to be used only on seams. 


Coffee Grinders

  • Removal of part that keeps some of the ground coffee from coming out until you try to clean it.


Sticker Removal Tool

  • Addition of argon laser sight for precision sticker removal jobs.


COVID Notification System

  • Underground gossip network working reasonably well to identify those involved. No updates at this time.


Receipt Printer

  • Case to be changed to clear plastic making it possible to see when the paper is getting low.
  • “Paper” light will now fluctuate colors to indicate cashier’s mood. Mood will be determined by advanced algorithm analyzing mistyped SKU frequency, pressure sensor data, specifications of multiple items with a single scan versus multiple redundant scans, unconsummated use of the Flip Chart, and a bell sensor. Unless customized by management team, light will default to lavender. Sensors to be recalibrated quarterly.

Common Customer Questions

Lists, Questions
  • How much tahini is the right amount for me?
  • Is it okay to eat polenta if I’m still in my first trimester?
  • Can I leave this here for a minute and then come back for it?
  • My girlfriend likes salad, but I think it’s dumb. 
  • I’m concerned about glutens in my food. Do you have any super-glutenated foods, so that I can be sure of getting a full daily serving of gluten without having to worry about supplementing my diet?
  • I have a great many concerns about very many things, and nothing you say will change my mind?
  • I just started the Dr. ProPro Diet. Do you have a Dr. ProPro section with all your Dr. ProPro products that are Dr. ProPro Certified that I can shop in because I’m on the Dr. ProPro Diet?
  • I am doing well! I’m so glad you carry macadamia nuts, because I believe in a conspiracy theory that makes me aware of all the Toxins in every food we eat… except macadamia flour. I wish you sold the flour and not just the nuts but at least I’m glad you have the nuts and I can make the flour myself using the special mill I bought in Solvang that this old Dutch man, who’s like eighty, makes. He’s the only one in the country who makes it – that’s all he does! You’re The Only Place that carries macadamia nuts. I know you’ve finished ringing me up, but I’d love to take a little more of your and everybody in line’s time to let you know about my thoughts on all food that isn’t macadamia flour, and all the Chemicals in unmilled macadamia nuts, that the Government, and especially the State of Hawaii, don’t want to regulate due to Special Interests. Do you know if you’ll ever be getting the flour? Oh, that’s okay. I’ll just look next time I’m here. 
  • I drove by on Saturday and there were like TEN PEOPLE in line, and I was like oh my gosh! So I came back today at 2:00 pm and it turns out that Sunday is even busier! Do you have curbside pickup?
  • Hi, I’m going to be in your area in a couple hours, and I’m wondering if there’s a line outside?
  • Do you sell pasteurized sesame seeds?
  • Do you sell single rolls of toilet paper? Oh great! Oh, no, I mean your brand that comes in the six-packs. Is it possible to buy just one roll?
  • I’m looking for the coffee mango ice cream I bought here last time. Do you know where that is? You can just point to where it is. 
  • Do you know if you’re out of this very specific product with a very generic name, and would it be alright if you spent 10 minutes fruitlessly looking for it while I checked out and left the store?
  • I would like to get a case of endives.
  • When will you be getting the peppermint prosecco?