Fear of Leaking
You have one remaining jar of peanut butter and nowhere to hide it. You could turn it on its side on top of the other jars, but it might leak, causing a half-hour of cleaning for a future Crew member mumbling scathing curses about your laziness, intelligence, and the store’s hiring practices. But why is the peanut butter leaking? It has a lid that is sealed, and an inner seal as well. HOW IS THE OIL GETTING OUT?! And if it leaks out, doesn’t that mean that jar was bad anyway, since the seal was broken? Right? Shouldn’t we put them all on their sides to find the bad ones? There are no rational answers in this case. Be afraid. Spoil the extra jar, or hide it behind the Hair Mask in HABA. Nobody cares as long as they don’t have to clean peanut oil off of six bottles and the shelf underneath them. Speaking of HABA, same deal with the Laundry Detergent. PRO TIP: Only spaghetti should be on its side.

Fear of Yucky Chicken Juice
Are you a customer? Are you a Crew member? Are you the Captain? Are you a homeless person? Are you a research scientist investigating the Ross Ice Shelf in Antarctica? Are you a panda bear? No matter who you are, you do not like yucky chicken juice. No living creature likes yucky chicken juice. Is it because it’s yucky? Yes, but that’s just the beginning. If yucky chicken juice gets into your body, generally from licking register counters, then you could have yucky tummy issues in the middle of the night, which is one of the least most desirable times for tummy yuckiness. (The most desirable time for tummy yuckiness is when you are at a wedding out of town, and you’re in the wedding party, and you have to stand in the sun on the beach for four hours. Then, when you collapse on the sand to reveal what you had for breakfast, you can at least wash the spots off your tux in the surf.) So yes, be afraid, constantly maintain a healthy fear of yucky chicken juice. Also, wash your hands and wash stuff you’re going to put in your mouth and fry the shit out of any chicken stuff and put any leftovers right in the fridge. If you’re lazy, you can just skip all that and make plans to join Mike and Kaitlin in Bermuda.

Fear of Dry Skin
If your skin has been sanitized then you are safe. But your skin may crack and bleed, and that means you have created pipes into your body for the sickness to easily flow. This paradox is mind-numbingly overwhelming. On the one hand, it would be nice to have an isopropyl alcohol shower installed at the register, constantly raining down a soothing cascade of microbe death onto your hands and everything on the counter. But this would eventually dissolve all your skin, as well as pose a potential fire risk. So the other obvious option is to maintain the integrity of your epidermis through a combination of blind hope and fear of dry skin. You’re doing good! You already have the fear! Now just add the blind hope! Also, if you keep your hands hydrated with Midsummer Night’s Cream Hand and Body Cream then probably the sickness can’t get inside your body. It’s got TWO “creams” in its name, so that’s enough for soft hands AND a cup of coffee. (Yes, that is its name. Look at the label. But don’t put it in coffee. I am saying irresponsible things.) That’s what we keep saying over and over in our head, and it’s working pretty well, so we strongly recommend this as a diversion mantra.

Fear of Supple Slippery Skin
As soon as you put lotion on your hands, to stop the scratchy bleedy claw monster, it ALWAYS happens that you have to pick up a wine bottle. Or something else glass and slippery and nasally offensive. Dropping a thing is a humiliating big mess that needs to be cleaned up, and you have to get another of the thing for the customer if you’re on reg, plus ask another Crew to clean up your mess. So tremble, yes, you have reason to be afraid. You have no way out. You have to eventually pick up the thing, and if you drop it everyone will think you’re an idiot, but it will be okay. Nobody really gives a shit about a bottle of wine anyway, especially not some TJ Coastal Zinfandel. Listen, when your work shirt gets too dirty to clean, you were going to use it as a rag, right? Just start that process right now by wiping your soft, lotion hands on your shirt. If you’re lucky it will create a grease stain that won’t come out, and you’ll have a new yellow rag to clean your car or stove with.