Tales From the Fridge

Lists
  1. Your dumb granola doesn’t need to be refrigerated.
  2. Your six-pack is stealing space that could be used to cool a gallon of Sweet Tea, so you guys just need to work that out.
  3. Nobody stole your yogurt, so stop the angry notes already.
  4. That’s Susan’s hot sauce, and it’s really full, but you know she’ll throw a huge fit if you use even a little.
  5. I strive to be respectful of how cisgender individuals wish to be identified, but writing THEY on the Oat Milk does not help me find you to let you know that I spilled it.
  6. Your half-gallon of ice cream is taking up the whole fucking freezer. And we all want to eat it. Those two facts combine together to create “foreshadowing.”
  7. How often do people need to use BBQ sauce for lunch? I mean, really.
  8. Labeling your Chianti Red Wine Artisan Salami with a future date when putting it in the fridge is an integrity issue, and you could be fired for it, but Jesus, would that really happen?
  9. It has Mike’s name on it, but does he still work here?
  10. Those Cornichons should be in the door, not on the top shelf, Mr. Selfish.
  11. Curiously, everything in the fridge is clearly labeled with a name, except for the half-empty Vodka of the Gods bottle.
  12. We, the undersigned, respectfully ask that the burned out light in the fridge be replaced, because it’s been a couple months and we feel we’ve been very patient, and even though it’s not stopping us from using the fridge it kind of feels like a respect issue.
  13. More than one person has the initials “JT,” so we don’t know who to talk to about the Tupperware® we found behind everything in the back, and its contents are obviously a sensitive issue so we would prefer to keep this on the down low. Can you just take it home please, and we won’t ask questions.