Tag Archives: Vocabulary

Retail Vocabulary: Commerce

General Malaise, Lists, , , , , ,

Change
A compromise between stealing and paying too much

Real Change
Only possible with a lot more change

Tax
A way for stores to pretend that things cost what they cost.

Conveyor belt 
A moving surface that continuously forces you to touch weird things that people are going to put in and on their bodies.

Scanner
A stripe connoisseur that regards your specimen as being of inferior quality 

Barcode
A repentant fingerprint 

Coins
Money that is neither magnetic nor flammable, so what fun is that?

$2 Bills
Outcast notes rejected by the bill community and forced to live with coupons

Everyday Vocabulary

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Stress
A fundamental particle that carries the anxiety force.

Passive
Unwilling to fight to achieve failure, preferring to allow it to arrive in its own sweet time.

Fatigue
A destructive condition experienced by all living things, and bridges, in both cases eventually leading to catastrophic collapse.

Satisfaction 
A feeling more commonly experienced by criminals than common people.

Classic
Probably horrible.

Pleasant
Synonym of boring

Festive 
A type of behavior that rapidly progresses to vomiting.

Table
A type of sexual platform available when house-sitting for a friend.

Interpersonal Vocabulary

General Malaise, Lists, , ,

Therapy
An educational method for learning to use clever trickery to control yourself and others. Therapy is currently legal in all 50 states and outlying territories.

Compromise
The point at which everyone agrees the whole thing is fucked, and can we just figure out a way to stop having to talk about it?

Ghosting
The situation created when a good friend decides they would like to focus on the weak and deceitful aspects of their character, so they won’t have as much available time for you.

Passive Aggressiveness
A way of announcing that you are so naive that you believe nobody has figured you out, when in reality everyone knows what you’re up to, and believes you are weak and unpleasant.

Hello
Baseline standard greeting used by humans who are not extremely tired, extremely unhappy, or extremely unpleasant.

Retail Vocabulary: Security

General Malaise, Holidays, Lists, Uncategorized, , , , , ,

Spider Wrap
A popular expert level puzzle game where players compete against themselves to untangle a tricky web of wires before they fucking go insane. 

Clothing Tag
An mildly uncomfortable accoutrement attached to pricey garments until it can be removed using the stolen pliers.

Door Alarm
A tool for measuring cashier competency for the purposes of statistics and wagering. Theoretical abstract benefit as a theft deterrent.

Shopping Cart Wheel Lock
A device designed to discourage people from returning shopping carts once removed from the parking lot. 

Glitter Bomb
A bait and switch operation where someone believes they are getting a fancy gaming console, but instead are showered with unicorn dandruff and forced to vacate the porch.

Retail Vocabulary: Transactions

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Refund
A transaction where a company pays a customer to stop being their customer in the hope that they will say nice things about the company to everyone they know. 

Returns
Products sold back to a store by people who do not know their clothing size or what colors they like. 

Gift Card
A lottery ticket for libertarians.

Void
A nihilistic status imposed upon transactions that have let us down.

Coupon
An enchanted document that casts a Decrease Cost spell when activated. Coupon generated attacks are effective against Line Items and Subtotals. Some advanced coupons can have an area of effect that targets groups of items on a receipt. Although powerful under ideal circumstances, coupon spells are vulnerable to Exceptions buffs and Expiration Date curses.

Loyalty Program 
An oath taken by a person to provide private information to a corporation in exchange for it providing notifications about limited time deals on kitchen cleaners and hot dogs.

Receipt
Proof that you purchased whipped cream, mini marshmallows, hand lotion, a bottle of Reyes de Oro tequila, and a 3-pack of Ramtex condoms at a gas station way on the other side of the freeway, 4 hours before you got home that night.

Card Reader
The final barrier between your filthy habits and the new white sectional sofa that is on sale.