Tag Archives: RetailHell

Retail Vocabulary: Security

General Malaise, Holidays, Lists, Uncategorized, , , , , ,

Spider Wrap
A popular expert level puzzle game where players compete against themselves to untangle a tricky web of wires before they fucking go insane. 

Clothing Tag
An mildly uncomfortable accoutrement attached to pricey garments until it can be removed using the stolen pliers.

Door Alarm
A tool for measuring cashier competency for the purposes of statistics and wagering. Theoretical abstract benefit as a theft deterrent.

Shopping Cart Wheel Lock
A device designed to discourage people from returning shopping carts once removed from the parking lot. 

Glitter Bomb
A bait and switch operation where someone believes they are getting a fancy gaming console, but instead are showered with unicorn dandruff and forced to vacate the porch.

Retail Vocabulary: Transactions

General Malaise, Uncategorized, , , , , , , ,

Refund
A transaction where a company pays a customer to stop being their customer in the hope that they will say nice things about the company to everyone they know. 

Returns
Products sold back to a store by people who do not know their clothing size or what colors they like. 

Gift Card
A lottery ticket for libertarians.

Void
A nihilistic status imposed upon transactions that have let us down.

Coupon
An enchanted document that casts a Decrease Cost spell when activated. Coupon generated attacks are effective against Line Items and Subtotals. Some advanced coupons can have an area of effect that targets groups of items on a receipt. Although powerful under ideal circumstances, coupon spells are vulnerable to Exceptions buffs and Expiration Date curses.

Loyalty Program 
An oath taken by a person to provide private information to a corporation in exchange for it providing notifications about limited time deals on kitchen cleaners and hot dogs.

Receipt
Proof that you purchased whipped cream, mini marshmallows, hand lotion, a bottle of Reyes de Oro tequila, and a 3-pack of Ramtex condoms at a gas station way on the other side of the freeway, 4 hours before you got home that night.

Card Reader
The final barrier between your filthy habits and the new white sectional sofa that is on sale.

Retail Vocabulary: Managers

Corporate, General Malaise, ,

My Manager
When using a first person pronoun, this indicates the person who is summoned when the customer demands to be proven wrong beyond a doubt, allowing no further recourse, and necessitating the customer’s immediate departure.

The Manager
When referenced using the specific article, this indicates a nonspecific person in charge of saying we’re sorry, with special focus on not making any promises, and a keen ability to lie about apprising the head of advertising about the typographical error.

A Manager
This mythical yet common creature is requested by a customer who believes, before even speaking with you, that you have neither the inclination nor the ability to assist them with their bullshit unprecedented fringe case requirements. 

Your Manager
When indicated using the second person, this references a person who will be annoyed in the future, with whom you will be able to observe and discuss their annoyance.

Retail Vocabulary: Daily Issues

Corporate, General Malaise, , , , ,

Professional
A state of being exemplified by detachment from common emotions, an unwillingness to discuss issues with roots outside the scope of money, often accompanied by deceit, greed, and a diminished capacity for focus on details. [See Sociopathology]

Inappropriate
Attire capable of seducing or offending a customer, or both simultaneously, is generally regarded as inappropriate, especially when described in writing. Inappropriate clothing should absolutely be worn when shopping on your day off.

Goal
An arbitrary construct which can easily be modified, despite leader’s claims to the contrary. Because dude, unless you’re trying to save people trapped in a well, then you and your vision just need to chill.

Promotion
A method used to entice someone to do something not fun, such as changing their phone plan, or reprimanding Merideth for doing that thing where she mixes up all the bills in the register, that’s not really a big deal, but come on.

Schedule
A formalized method for allowing people the time they need to do things they don’t want to do.

Microwave
A device used by amateur CSI enthusiasts to research medium velocity soup splatter. 

Retail Vocabulary: Locations

Corporate, General Malaise, , ,

Bathroom
A coveted room that is semi desperately needed all day long, except when resenting that it was assigned to you for cleaning. 

Break room
A basic break room will feature sticky counters and a refrigerator half full of molding leftovers. 

A fancy break room may feature a TV playing the most annoying fucking shit ever to come out of Burbank, at a volume that competes with municipal weather alert sirens; and a refrigerator half full of molding leftovers. 

An executive break room is located at the airport, and requires some kind of stupid credit card to be granted admittance. Food in these locations is expensive and served in modest portions, resulting in few leftovers, which are put into the trash and only allowed to mold off premises.

Meeting Room
A dangerous closed space in which crisply clothed khaki goblins battle for control over the souls of the subjugated. Meetings in which tiny sandwiches are provided should be approached with suspicion.

I Have a Quick Question for Retail Customer Service (part 1)

General Malaise, ,

Quick question:
I bought something but didn’t follow the rules of claiming the special offer that would let me save a lot of money. Also, I used Order Pickup, and only wanted to pick up some of the items, and someone else, not listed as an alternate pickup person, will come later to get the big screen TV. He doesn’t drive, so he doesn’t have an ID. But when I bought the things I ACTIVATED the Special Savings Offer to get $20 off a qualifying purchase of $100 or more. But I didn’t read the exceptions to the policy. But I saw a sign near the TV that said something similar. So I’m wondering if I can get the deal. Also, I already paid for this, but I would like to apply for a Store Credit Card, and then use that to pay for it all and get a 5% discount on the order. I can show you the shipping stickers from the box it was delivered in. But I’d also like to return one of the things I just bought because my sister just texted me and said it’s not the right one. And I have a manufacturer’s coupon for $1 off a bottle of soap but I’m not sure if it got applied or not. I still have the coupon because the cashier gave it back to me. I believe that bleach is soap, right?  I think I’m missing a box of Triscuits too. Maybe it’s at the checklane, and I don’t know which one because I bought it four months ago so I don’t remember which one. This is the Stewardville store, right? […] Oh, can you connect me to them.

Answer:
No.

Quick question:
Hello, this is Marbrige Stauncheon Eldrige the third. I’m wondering if you sell furry pillows. […] No, not for a sofa. Pillows for a bed, but furry. […] No, not like animal print, but like it’s made out of fur. You know, like a Wild West pillow, but without the tassels. […] Like a hotel pillow. Not like a rug, but it has some fiber heft to it, you know. […] Oh, well probably white. Not bright white, but not exactly cream either. I’d say a medium white. Oh, and I’d prefer one with brocade, but if you don’t have that that’s okay. […] So there’s no way you can find out if you have one? […] Well can you save one for me if you find it? […] So there’s nothing you can do? […] And who am I speaking with?

Answer:
Pete. Pete at Pete’s Pillow Paradise.

Quick question:
I bought 48 pairs of pajamas, twelve each of four different sizes, in anticipation of some kind of epic Christmas morning performance piece that would fuel unique individual nightmares for weeks for most reasonable people. My children chose the ones that fit them, which means that I don’t need the twelve ones that don’t fit them. My neighbors told me their sizes, so I assumed they fit them. And all the family from out of town will need to try on their pajamas on Christmas Eve…Except, it turns out that none of my family can come for Christmas, which is SO SAD because I had just told them about the new pajama tradition and we all agreed how fun it would be. But I guess they got a text about some new work policy about holidays, actually while we were talking. Kind of surprising. So now nobody’s coming. I’m going to let my neighbors keep their pajamas. They wouldn’t answer the phone so I couldn’t get them back. My kids can wear the ones from last year anyway. So, can I return 46 pairs of pajamas? I cut the tags off, but I brought them back.

Answer:
Sigh. Yes.

Quick question:
If I order a shirt, but I’m not sure whether I should get large or extra large, and if I pick up the order at the store and then try on the two shirts at home to figure out which one fits, then I can return the one that is the wrong size, right? And returning it is no big deal because it’s just one shirt, right? […] It takes two people to pull it and bring it to me? Wow. What happens to the returned shirt? […] It takes two people to physically get the shirt back out on the floor?! Wow, that’s four people! And if I had tried on the shirts in the dressing room and simply selected the one I wanted…? [..] That’s really interesting! I really love ordering online! Let your boss know how great this service is!

Answer:
I will make sure they know.

Quick question:
I’m sorry to be a pain by showing up in person and not calling on the phone! I have one item to return. Here is my receipt, and I’m already logged into the app ahead of time in case there’s some unforeseen issue. My phone’s done the whole face scan thing and everything. I bought this hammer two days ago. It is the only item I purchased. I have not used it because I worked through my anger issues in an alternate way. I paid using a single credit card, and did not receive any deals or discounts. I am hoping to get the refund back on a gift card, or possibly my original payment card, or faction rep. I’m sorry to be a pain!

Answer:
You are an NCP, but I love you.

Quick question:
Meat department!

Answer:
First, learn some manners. Second, what store in 2024 is old fashioned enough to have employees in individual sections at tiny checkout desks? Third, what store is that old fashioned, and yet also has dozens of phones throughout the store so you can be transferred to those desks directly? What do you think, that this is London in 1968 equipped with transdimensional IP phones? Fourth, you and I both know your question for the meat department is exceptionally basic, like “Do you carry 85/15 hamburger in 5-pound tubes?” so just lay it on me and let’s be done with this charade.

Retail Wisdom Cookie — December 2024

General Malaise, Lists, , , , , , , , , ,

…a fortune for every day of the month!

  1. You never get that time back that you spent voting 
  2. Whether you push or pull depends on what side you are standing on 
  3. Either a refund or frustration may be provided 
  4. Sometimes the thing you find is not in the right place 
  5. Self checkout affords you the chance to personally use lasers 
  6. An empty cart may contain forgotten items 
  7. If the alarm goes off, it is time to wake up, or you are stealing 
  8. Tap dancing in the aisles is unambiguously annoying 
  9. The front of even the longest line will be reached 
  10. Batteries could realistically be anywhere 
  11. You cannot climb beyond the end of the ladder
  12. Do not let a single word define you
  13. You must be awake to take sleeping pills
  14. Your destiny may be to articulate the obvious
  15. What you stand behind dictates how much authority you have
  16. Wasps are not concerned with your innocence
  17. A horse is probably cheaper than a new car
  18. Take an empty cart, leave an empty cart 
  19. Accept all cookies 
  20. Have they worn it, no. Have they lied, hard to say.
  21. You’re satisfaction may be moderated by exceptions 
  22. A shrill beeping at the door is one way to start a conversation 
  23. A line is just a structured crowd
  24. You can forgive your ex, but that doesn’t make them not horrible 
  25. November: terrifying in stores, but gratifying in offices 
  26. A computer offers no explanation for its limitations
  27. As much as you give, they will wait in line to take it all 
  28. Store credit is not a reasonable trade for an unreasonable return
  29. Everyone is timing you
  30. Saying yes is easy, saying no is an art 

Trader Wisdom Cookie — November 2023

Uncategorized, , , ,

…a fortune for every day of the month!

  1. Hold your horses! It’s only November first and you’re already hounding us about Jingle Jangle!
  2. Training is useful because it affords the new hire the chance to get their questions answered. However, training cannot answer the Crew’s questions as to why the fuck this person was hired.
  3. Q: Is this Chardonnay oaked? A: Your mom is oaked.
  4. Taxonomic distribution is never talked about in the store. Instead, it is discussed using the veiled terms “aisles,” “shelves,” and “it doesn’t matter where we fucking put it because they won’t find it anyway.”
  5. Members of the Art Team will be angered by your temp sign.
  6. Maintaining a single beverages shelf is a way to prevent customers from learning the terrifying truth: that they can tear open any package of drinks to get one, and then leave a huge mess on the shelf. For civilization to stand, customers must never be allowed to learn this.
  7. Mini Taco Flavor Roulette: No one actually loses, but no one truly wins
  8. Whether you quaff an entire bottle of Charles Shaw White Zinfandel in a single sitting, or an entire bottle of a French Rose in a fancy bottle, both will be equally regretted when peering back through the lens of time while upside down in a ditch soaked with gasoline and being smothered by a deflated airbag.
  9. TikTok plants the seeds of stupid in the fertile loam of customers’ heads, which when nurtured by their need for shallow excitement will result in annoying questions after mere minutes of incubation. You can write a cease and desist letter if it makes you feel better, but it won’t stop them.
  10. Who are the members of the Safety Team? Attend their monthly meeting in a dim top-floor conference room at the Hilton to find out. To maintain secrecy wear street clothes, not your uniform.
  11. A box with “LIVE” written on it may actually be a GO BACK that has not yet been checked. A box with “GO BACK” written on it may actually go up if it is part of a boat pull.
  12. One must understand facings to understand the concept of GO BACK. One must understand @TOS to understand facings. One must understand QIL to understand @TOS. One must understand the supply chain to understand QIL. One must understand Regan, Category Manager for Quinoa Dry Line, to understand the supply chain. You must come to peace with the truth that a person who lives in a dumb California suburb controls how many times you pick up a box. Regan believes that you are a robot.
  13. Falling in love with your coworker is probably a bad idea, but it feels so good. It feels weird. It feels good weird. Equalizing AR reserves is key to making it last.
  14. Welcome to The Holidays! Time to move everything from one side of the back room to the other side of the back room.
  15. Bane’s First Rule: Any product a customer asks you to find is either discontinued, or will be arriving on a truck in 4 hours.
  16. We are a national chain of neighborhood TikTok franchises.
  17. Don’t be fooled. Shallots are just weird onions.
  18. Three out of four American adults suffer from Jingle Jangle addiction. The rest are lying to you.
  19. Spiced wine is a gateway drug, a slippery slope leading children to switch to vomiting surprisingly quickly.
  20. Fun fact: most aisles are more than a thousand “EXCUSE MEs” long during the Holiday Season.
  21. When you stop and think about how magical the Holidays are… You don’t have time for that! Get back to work!
  22. Remember when you looked under the shelves before inventory and found all that weird stuff? It was kicked under there LAST Holiday. Now the cycle begins anew.
  23. Policy update: Instead of putting half-dollar coins in the tray section for large bills, they should now be thrown directly into the trash.
  24. $2 bills are for grandchildren, not me.
  25. When did we get THAT? Not customers, not Crew, not Mates, not QIL, nobody knows the answer.
  26. Make time to set aside the Limited Buys that you want, because otherwise they will be gone and then what was even the point of all this?
  27. “The wine is actually not too bad,” and other unbelievable tales from the Tall Blue Bottle Universe.
  28. Every customer interaction is actively whittling away your telomeres. By January you may only have a few peptide bonds remaining. Wear comfortable shoes I guess.
  29. When the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling, definitely put yours on first before assisting any customers, because they are going to try to suck the life out of you.
  30. Label every register “EXPRESS LINE 9 ITEMS.” Enforce rigidly, no more items, no fewer. Then put on full riot gear and allow one person through with a full cart.