Tag Archives: griping

Retail Vocabulary: Daily Issues

Corporate, General Malaise, , , , ,

Professional
A state of being exemplified by detachment from common emotions, an unwillingness to discuss issues with roots outside the scope of money, often accompanied by deceit, greed, and a diminished capacity for focus on details. [See Sociopathology]

Inappropriate
Attire capable of seducing or offending a customer, or both simultaneously, is generally regarded as inappropriate, especially when described in writing. Inappropriate clothing should absolutely be worn when shopping on your day off.

Goal
An arbitrary construct which can easily be modified, despite leader’s claims to the contrary. Because dude, unless you’re trying to save people trapped in a well, then you and your vision just need to chill.

Promotion
A method used to entice someone to do something not fun, such as changing their phone plan, or reprimanding Merideth for doing that thing where she mixes up all the bills in the register, that’s not really a big deal, but come on.

Schedule
A formalized method for allowing people the time they need to do things they don’t want to do.

Microwave
A device used by amateur CSI enthusiasts to research medium velocity soup splatter. 

Retail Vocabulary: Locations

Corporate, General Malaise, , ,

Bathroom
A coveted room that is semi desperately needed all day long, except when resenting that it was assigned to you for cleaning. 

Break room
A basic break room will feature sticky counters and a refrigerator half full of molding leftovers. 

A fancy break room may feature a TV playing the most annoying fucking shit ever to come out of Burbank, at a volume that competes with municipal weather alert sirens; and a refrigerator half full of molding leftovers. 

An executive break room is located at the airport, and requires some kind of stupid credit card to be granted admittance. Food in these locations is expensive and served in modest portions, resulting in few leftovers, which are put into the trash and only allowed to mold off premises.

Meeting Room
A dangerous closed space in which crisply clothed khaki goblins battle for control over the souls of the subjugated. Meetings in which tiny sandwiches are provided should be approached with suspicion.

Retail Wisdom Cookie — December 2024

General Malaise, Lists, , , , , , , , , ,

…a fortune for every day of the month!

  1. You never get that time back that you spent voting 
  2. Whether you push or pull depends on what side you are standing on 
  3. Either a refund or frustration may be provided 
  4. Sometimes the thing you find is not in the right place 
  5. Self checkout affords you the chance to personally use lasers 
  6. An empty cart may contain forgotten items 
  7. If the alarm goes off, it is time to wake up, or you are stealing 
  8. Tap dancing in the aisles is unambiguously annoying 
  9. The front of even the longest line will be reached 
  10. Batteries could realistically be anywhere 
  11. You cannot climb beyond the end of the ladder
  12. Do not let a single word define you
  13. You must be awake to take sleeping pills
  14. Your destiny may be to articulate the obvious
  15. What you stand behind dictates how much authority you have
  16. Wasps are not concerned with your innocence
  17. A horse is probably cheaper than a new car
  18. Take an empty cart, leave an empty cart 
  19. Accept all cookies 
  20. Have they worn it, no. Have they lied, hard to say.
  21. You’re satisfaction may be moderated by exceptions 
  22. A shrill beeping at the door is one way to start a conversation 
  23. A line is just a structured crowd
  24. You can forgive your ex, but that doesn’t make them not horrible 
  25. November: terrifying in stores, but gratifying in offices 
  26. A computer offers no explanation for its limitations
  27. As much as you give, they will wait in line to take it all 
  28. Store credit is not a reasonable trade for an unreasonable return
  29. Everyone is timing you
  30. Saying yes is easy, saying no is an art