Tag Archives: fortune-cookie

Retail Wisdom Cookie — December 2024

General Malaise, Lists, , , , , , , , , ,

…a fortune for every day of the month!

  1. You never get that time back that you spent voting 
  2. Whether you push or pull depends on what side you are standing on 
  3. Either a refund or frustration may be provided 
  4. Sometimes the thing you find is not in the right place 
  5. Self checkout affords you the chance to personally use lasers 
  6. An empty cart may contain forgotten items 
  7. If the alarm goes off, it is time to wake up, or you are stealing 
  8. Tap dancing in the aisles is unambiguously annoying 
  9. The front of even the longest line will be reached 
  10. Batteries could realistically be anywhere 
  11. You cannot climb beyond the end of the ladder
  12. Do not let a single word define you
  13. You must be awake to take sleeping pills
  14. Your destiny may be to articulate the obvious
  15. What you stand behind dictates how much authority you have
  16. Wasps are not concerned with your innocence
  17. A horse is probably cheaper than a new car
  18. Take an empty cart, leave an empty cart 
  19. Accept all cookies 
  20. Have they worn it, no. Have they lied, hard to say.
  21. You’re satisfaction may be moderated by exceptions 
  22. A shrill beeping at the door is one way to start a conversation 
  23. A line is just a structured crowd
  24. You can forgive your ex, but that doesn’t make them not horrible 
  25. November: terrifying in stores, but gratifying in offices 
  26. A computer offers no explanation for its limitations
  27. As much as you give, they will wait in line to take it all 
  28. Store credit is not a reasonable trade for an unreasonable return
  29. Everyone is timing you
  30. Saying yes is easy, saying no is an art 

Trader Wisdom Cookie — March 2024

Uncategorized

…a fortune for every day of the month!

  1. Questioning authority is like using a car horn: a bold move that may not yield the desired results.
  2. Only the false prophet will console you.
  3. Money saved on gas can be spent on beer.
  4. Discounted groceries can never last.
  5. Sometimes signs point to the bathroom, sometimes signs are in the bathroom.
  6. Integrity shared is integrity believed.
  7. A firing delayed is a failure.
  8. Dissent brings disappointment and satisfaction.
  9. If you have nothing better to do, you should wash your dishes.
  10. Hotties come in all flavors.
  11. Sometimes the most exciting things are the stupidest things.
  12. Don’t worry about expired crackers.
  13. If a forest makes no sound, it is probably in Iceland.
  14. Different creatures react differently to toxins.
  15. Perseverance outlasts panic.
  16. Sometimes when the car runs out of gas, you just need to get a new car.
  17. Bleu Cheese left long enough will turn gray.
  18. Acts of kindness should be calculated, not random.
  19. If everyone carried a gun, the world would basically be like a bar in a Star Wars movie.
  20. If you are thirsty, drink water. When you tire of water, drink tequila.
  21. After yesterday, the floor is both your friend and your worst enemy.
  22. Never submit to tyranny, but delay the revolution until the perfect moment.
  23. Steak is damn good. Tofu is also good, but not as good, but also more humane. For some it is a quandary.
  24. Longevity may be pointless.
  25. Smoking is cool, no doubt about it, but also stupid and gross, like Ke$ha.
  26. Set aside some time to waste time.
  27. Irrational numbers are fascinating bullshit.
  28. The present is like a veil blowing in the wind, that is shot with a laser and burns up, scattering dust to the ground. The ground is the past, but then what represents the future? I don’t know. Nobody cares.
  29. Whether written, spoken, or imagined, words can hurt.
  30. Bring new life to your arrogance: roast your own coffee beans!
  31. Do you have questions? The person standing in your doorway may think they have answers.

Trader Wisdom Cookie — November 2023

Uncategorized, , , ,

…a fortune for every day of the month!

  1. Hold your horses! It’s only November first and you’re already hounding us about Jingle Jangle!
  2. Training is useful because it affords the new hire the chance to get their questions answered. However, training cannot answer the Crew’s questions as to why the fuck this person was hired.
  3. Q: Is this Chardonnay oaked? A: Your mom is oaked.
  4. Taxonomic distribution is never talked about in the store. Instead, it is discussed using the veiled terms “aisles,” “shelves,” and “it doesn’t matter where we fucking put it because they won’t find it anyway.”
  5. Members of the Art Team will be angered by your temp sign.
  6. Maintaining a single beverages shelf is a way to prevent customers from learning the terrifying truth: that they can tear open any package of drinks to get one, and then leave a huge mess on the shelf. For civilization to stand, customers must never be allowed to learn this.
  7. Mini Taco Flavor Roulette: No one actually loses, but no one truly wins
  8. Whether you quaff an entire bottle of Charles Shaw White Zinfandel in a single sitting, or an entire bottle of a French Rose in a fancy bottle, both will be equally regretted when peering back through the lens of time while upside down in a ditch soaked with gasoline and being smothered by a deflated airbag.
  9. TikTok plants the seeds of stupid in the fertile loam of customers’ heads, which when nurtured by their need for shallow excitement will result in annoying questions after mere minutes of incubation. You can write a cease and desist letter if it makes you feel better, but it won’t stop them.
  10. Who are the members of the Safety Team? Attend their monthly meeting in a dim top-floor conference room at the Hilton to find out. To maintain secrecy wear street clothes, not your uniform.
  11. A box with “LIVE” written on it may actually be a GO BACK that has not yet been checked. A box with “GO BACK” written on it may actually go up if it is part of a boat pull.
  12. One must understand facings to understand the concept of GO BACK. One must understand @TOS to understand facings. One must understand QIL to understand @TOS. One must understand the supply chain to understand QIL. One must understand Regan, Category Manager for Quinoa Dry Line, to understand the supply chain. You must come to peace with the truth that a person who lives in a dumb California suburb controls how many times you pick up a box. Regan believes that you are a robot.
  13. Falling in love with your coworker is probably a bad idea, but it feels so good. It feels weird. It feels good weird. Equalizing AR reserves is key to making it last.
  14. Welcome to The Holidays! Time to move everything from one side of the back room to the other side of the back room.
  15. Bane’s First Rule: Any product a customer asks you to find is either discontinued, or will be arriving on a truck in 4 hours.
  16. We are a national chain of neighborhood TikTok franchises.
  17. Don’t be fooled. Shallots are just weird onions.
  18. Three out of four American adults suffer from Jingle Jangle addiction. The rest are lying to you.
  19. Spiced wine is a gateway drug, a slippery slope leading children to switch to vomiting surprisingly quickly.
  20. Fun fact: most aisles are more than a thousand “EXCUSE MEs” long during the Holiday Season.
  21. When you stop and think about how magical the Holidays are… You don’t have time for that! Get back to work!
  22. Remember when you looked under the shelves before inventory and found all that weird stuff? It was kicked under there LAST Holiday. Now the cycle begins anew.
  23. Policy update: Instead of putting half-dollar coins in the tray section for large bills, they should now be thrown directly into the trash.
  24. $2 bills are for grandchildren, not me.
  25. When did we get THAT? Not customers, not Crew, not Mates, not QIL, nobody knows the answer.
  26. Make time to set aside the Limited Buys that you want, because otherwise they will be gone and then what was even the point of all this?
  27. “The wine is actually not too bad,” and other unbelievable tales from the Tall Blue Bottle Universe.
  28. Every customer interaction is actively whittling away your telomeres. By January you may only have a few peptide bonds remaining. Wear comfortable shoes I guess.
  29. When the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling, definitely put yours on first before assisting any customers, because they are going to try to suck the life out of you.
  30. Label every register “EXPRESS LINE 9 ITEMS.” Enforce rigidly, no more items, no fewer. Then put on full riot gear and allow one person through with a full cart.