Tag Archives: Customers

Retail Vocabulary: Security

General Malaise, Holidays, Lists, Uncategorized, , , , , ,

Spider Wrap
A popular expert level puzzle game where players compete against themselves to untangle a tricky web of wires before they fucking go insane. 

Clothing Tag
An mildly uncomfortable accoutrement attached to pricey garments until it can be removed using the stolen pliers.

Door Alarm
A tool for measuring cashier competency for the purposes of statistics and wagering. Theoretical abstract benefit as a theft deterrent.

Shopping Cart Wheel Lock
A device designed to discourage people from returning shopping carts once removed from the parking lot. 

Glitter Bomb
A bait and switch operation where someone believes they are getting a fancy gaming console, but instead are showered with unicorn dandruff and forced to vacate the porch.

Retail Vocabulary: Transactions

General Malaise, Uncategorized, , , , , , , ,

Refund
A transaction where a company pays a customer to stop being their customer in the hope that they will say nice things about the company to everyone they know. 

Returns
Products sold back to a store by people who do not know their clothing size or what colors they like. 

Gift Card
A lottery ticket for libertarians.

Void
A nihilistic status imposed upon transactions that have let us down.

Coupon
An enchanted document that casts a Decrease Cost spell when activated. Coupon generated attacks are effective against Line Items and Subtotals. Some advanced coupons can have an area of effect that targets groups of items on a receipt. Although powerful under ideal circumstances, coupon spells are vulnerable to Exceptions buffs and Expiration Date curses.

Loyalty Program 
An oath taken by a person to provide private information to a corporation in exchange for it providing notifications about limited time deals on kitchen cleaners and hot dogs.

Receipt
Proof that you purchased whipped cream, mini marshmallows, hand lotion, a bottle of Reyes de Oro tequila, and a 3-pack of Ramtex condoms at a gas station way on the other side of the freeway, 4 hours before you got home that night.

Card Reader
The final barrier between your filthy habits and the new white sectional sofa that is on sale.

Retail Vocabulary: Managers

Corporate, General Malaise, ,

My Manager
When using a first person pronoun, this indicates the person who is summoned when the customer demands to be proven wrong beyond a doubt, allowing no further recourse, and necessitating the customer’s immediate departure.

The Manager
When referenced using the specific article, this indicates a nonspecific person in charge of saying we’re sorry, with special focus on not making any promises, and a keen ability to lie about apprising the head of advertising about the typographical error.

A Manager
This mythical yet common creature is requested by a customer who believes, before even speaking with you, that you have neither the inclination nor the ability to assist them with their bullshit unprecedented fringe case requirements. 

Your Manager
When indicated using the second person, this references a person who will be annoyed in the future, with whom you will be able to observe and discuss their annoyance.