…a fortune for every day of the month!

1. Hold your horses! It’s only November first and you’re already hounding us about Jingle Jangle!
2. Training is useful because it affords the new hire the chance to get their questions answered. However, training cannot answer the Crew’s questions as to why the fuck this person was hired.
3. Q: Is this Chardonnay oaked? A: Your mom is oaked.
4. Taxonomic distribution is never talked about in the store. Instead, it is discussed using the veiled terms “aisles,” “shelves,” and “it doesn’t matter where we fucking put it because they won’t find it anyway.”
5. Members of the Art Team will be angered by your temp sign.
6. Maintaining a single beverages shelf is a way to prevent customers from learning the terrifying truth: that they can tear open any package of drinks to get one, and then leave a huge mess on the shelf. For civilization to stand, customers must never be allowed to learn this.
7. Mini Taco Flavor Roulette: No one actually loses, but no one truly wins
8. Whether you quaff an entire bottle of Charles Shaw White Zinfandel in a single sitting, or an entire bottle of a French Rose in a fancy bottle, both will be equally regretted when peering back through the lens of time while upside down in a ditch soaked with gasoline and being smothered by a deflated airbag.
9. TikTok plants the seeds of stupid in the fertile loam of customers’ heads, which when nurtured by their need for shallow excitement will result in annoying questions after mere minutes of incubation. You can write a cease and desist letter if it makes you feel better, but it won’t stop them.
10. Who are the members of the Safety Team? Attend their monthly meeting in a dim top-floor conference room at the Hilton to find out. To maintain secrecy wear street clothes, not your uniform.
11. A box with “LIVE” written on it may actually be a GO BACK that has not yet been checked. A box with “GO BACK” written on it may actually go up if it is part of a boat pull.
12. One must understand facings to understand the concept of GO BACK. One must understand @TOS to understand facings. One must understand QIL to understand @TOS. One must understand the supply chain to understand QIL. One must understand Regan, Category Manager for Quinoa Dry Line, to understand the supply chain. You must come to peace with the truth that a person who lives in a dumb California suburb controls how many times you pick up a box. Regan believes that you are a robot.
13. Falling in love with your coworker is probably a bad idea, but it feels so good. It feels weird. It feels good weird. Equalizing AR reserves is key to making it last.
14. Welcome to The Holidays! Time to move everything from one side of the back room to the other side of the back room.
15. Bane’s First Rule: Any product a customer asks you to find is either discontinued, or will be arriving on a truck in 4 hours.
16. We are a national chain of neighborhood TikTok franchises.
17. Don’t be fooled. Shallots are just weird onions.
18. Three out of four American adults suffer from Jingle Jangle addiction. The rest are lying to you.
19. Spiced wine is a gateway drug, a slippery slope leading children to switch to vomiting surprisingly quickly.
20. Fun fact: most aisles are more than a thousand “EXCUSE MEs” long during the Holiday Season.
21. When you stop and think about how magical the Holidays are… You don’t have time for that! Get back to work!
22. Remember when you looked under the shelves before inventory and found all that weird stuff? It was kicked under there LAST Holiday. Now the cycle begins anew.
23. Policy update: Instead of putting half-dollar coins in the tray section for large bills, they should now be thrown directly into the trash.
24. $2 bills are for grandchildren, not me.
25. When did we get THAT? Not customers, not Crew, not Mates, not QIL, nobody knows the answer.
26. Make time to set aside the Limited Buys that you want, because otherwise they will be gone and then what was even the point of all this?
27. “The wine is actually not too bad,” and other unbelievable tales from the Tall Blue Bottle Universe.
28. Every customer interaction is actively whittling away your telomeres. By January you may only have a few peptide bonds remaining. Wear comfortable shoes I guess.
29. When the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling, definitely put yours on first before assisting any customers, because they are going to try to suck the life out of you.
30. Label every register “EXPRESS LINE 9 ITEMS.” Enforce rigidly, no more items, no fewer. Then put on full riot gear and allow one person through with a full cart.