Tag Archives: Check Out

Retail Vocabulary: Security

Spider Wrap
A popular expert level puzzle game where players compete against themselves to untangle a tricky web of wires before they fucking go insane. 

Clothing Tag
An mildly uncomfortable accoutrement attached to pricey garments until it can be removed using the stolen pliers.

Door Alarm
A tool for measuring cashier competency for the purposes of statistics and wagering. Theoretical abstract benefit as a theft deterrent.

Shopping Cart Wheel Lock
A device designed to discourage people from returning shopping carts once removed from the parking lot. 

Glitter Bomb
A bait and switch operation where someone believes they are getting a fancy gaming console, but instead are showered with unicorn dandruff and forced to vacate the porch.

Retail Vocabulary: Transactions

Refund
A transaction where a company pays a customer to stop being their customer in the hope that they will say nice things about the company to everyone they know. 

Returns
Products sold back to a store by people who do not know their clothing size or what colors they like. 

Gift Card
A lottery ticket for libertarians.

Void
A nihilistic status imposed upon transactions that have let us down.

Coupon
An enchanted document that casts a Decrease Cost spell when activated. Coupon generated attacks are effective against Line Items and Subtotals. Some advanced coupons can have an area of effect that targets groups of items on a receipt. Although powerful under ideal circumstances, coupon spells are vulnerable to Exceptions buffs and Expiration Date curses.

Loyalty Program 
An oath taken by a person to provide private information to a corporation in exchange for it providing notifications about limited time deals on kitchen cleaners and hot dogs.

Receipt
Proof that you purchased whipped cream, mini marshmallows, hand lotion, a bottle of Reyes de Oro tequila, and a 3-pack of Ramtex condoms at a gas station way on the other side of the freeway, 4 hours before you got home that night.

Card Reader
The final barrier between your filthy habits and the new white sectional sofa that is on sale.