RANK EACH STATEMENT ACCORDING TO THIS SCALE:

1 = Wow, just wow 
2 = Let’s agree to not discuss this 
3 = Tolerable
4 = Suspiciously competent 
5 = Wow, just wow

TEAMWORK

________ Favors teamwork over working productively
________ Points out weaknesses in the organization to peers, but avoids raising issues with management because it might out members of the underground resistance.
________ Raises important issues to management, but avoids informing Crew because it will be a big hit to morale when nothing is done.
________ Finds ways to “let off steam” without “killing everyone and burning the building down”.
________ Two-bell fiend

WORK HABITS

 ________ Decisively spoils products without needing the computer, permission.
________ Achieves procrastination without expending effort to procrastinate.
________ Understands policy determining when to brush spills under shelf vs. when to sweep them up.
________ Willing to clean fork they use for lunch if necessary before they use it.
________ Goes out of the way to assist fellow Crew to lift heavy bags of produce into the baler.
________ Writes funny things on walls without getting caught.
________ Recognizes that there is a difference between passive aggression and helping an aggressively hostile customer to go fuck themself.
________ Maintains plausible employability.
________ Conforms to dress code when Regional is in the store.
________ Never shies away from dirty jobs such as taking trash out on a beautiful day, despite high risk of overbearing pleasantness.

ABILITIES

________ Able to repeatedly explain to management what a legal accommodation is and why it is legal.
________ Bathroom scum blindness
________ Can recommend any cheese that is not more than 3-ft away.
________ Ability to fluently speak fake French
________ Knows how to use ethylene gas to ripen avocados, make rocket fuel.
________ Can name 5 inappropriate uses for kale.
________ Adept at changing radio station when no one’s in the bridge.
________ Able to single-handedly extend lunch break despite scheduling limitations.
________ Empathy with the damned
________ Gladiolus jousting
________ Proactive thirst quenching
________ Feigning employment
________ THC GPS

ATTITUDE

________ Takes huddles mostly seriously.
________ Usually resists the urge to criticize management near new hires.
________ Staunchly defends implausible claim of satisfactory life despite known retail employment.
________ Doesn’t let body odor ruin a good time.
________ References Taylor Swift rarely, and only in a detached, impersonal way.
________ Describes store as “a great place to work” when speaking with reporters, police.
________ Open to improving attitude as soon as management admits they royally fucked up.
________ Generous with anger.

CUSTOMER ADVOCACY

________ Fierce advocate who does not hesitate to demand customer be given replacement for perfectly fine lettuce.
________ Knowledgeable about which products have dangerous flaws, and keeps quiet about it.
________ Says things to customers out loud that every one of us wants to say but don’t have the guts, resulting in admiration, termination.
________ Always remembers: courtesy despite loathing.
________ Pushes customers to the limit to be their best selves.

MANAGEMENT ONLY

________ Publicly announces new schemes for improving the store while dexterously skirting actual issues.
________ Pleased with self, no matter the outcome.
________ Regularly attempts to not share safe combination or alarm code, or leave door key visible and unattended for more than 3 hours.
________ Draws attention away from own weaknesses through the cunning use of condescension.
________ Can fabricate bullshit rationale as needed to explain why we do a stupid thing a certain stupid way.
________ Says things to customers that every one of us wants to say, but with impunity, resulting in additional job satisfaction.
________ Adept at fluidly swiveling personality between friend, confidant, double-agent, or judge roles as needed.
________ Creates and destroys teams as part of overarching plan of pitting everyone against each other.
________ Open to quitting.

CAPTAIN ONLY

________ Acts Captainy.

Use these when describing people

• My Adjectives Are: OLD / ANNOYING
• My Adjectives Are: PROMISCUOUS / CRAZY
• My Adjectives Are: JANKY / FUCKED UP
• My Adjectives Are: IRRESPONSIBLE / FUN
• My Adjectives Are: SERIOUS / BORING
• My Adjectives Are: CONVENTIONAL / UNCREATIVE
• My Adjectives Are: HARD / WET
• My Adjectives Are: CRUNCHY / GRAINLESS
• My Adjectives Are: LIVID / SUPERLATIVE

Yes, there are good reasons.

• Feel spark in loins while watching Giovanni pick up boxes.
• Need to mitigate high self esteem.
• Good coffee is expensive, but free coffee is tolerable.
• Waiting on parole board’s decision.
• Need to stay in cockpit while plane in air.
• Can’t storm out until car done charging.
• No chance they’d write a letter of recommendation.
• Need to remind Sari about scheduled hookup.
• Enjoy feeling the sharp cut of self righteous indignation while observing plebes.
• Want to see if they manage to get the raccoon out of the building.
• Still planning epic departure prank.
• They want you to quit.
• Don’t want to have to memorize locations of fire exits in a new building.
• Molly just got on the train.
• Want to be a role model to the children, showing that hard work and perseverance will lead to misery.
• Health insurance company cares more about my health than government does, which is saying something.
• Still on break.
• Sensation of being lovingly embraced by failure is comforting.
• N/A

You don’t have to wait if you have one of these reasons.

• Valiant efforts to not quit waning.
• Driven to the brink of caring too much to endure further bullshit.
• Everyone else is quitting.
• None of the new products are even worth the 20% discounted price.
• Cinnamon brooms psychosis!
• Just really tired of answering questions about flowers.
• Got shit to do.
• Stopped working last week, should let them know.
• Want every day to be a no-call-no-show day.
• Excuses for the missing cheese increasingly questioned.
• Want to park right up front just once before dying.
• Starting competing dropping-jars-on-concrete-floor business.
• Unfortunate misunderstanding of how unemployment works.
• Speculative research to find out if freedom is really just a word for nothing left to lose.
• Bluffing.
• Need to use drugs, can’t use drugs on job enough.
• Only way to sleep with mate.
• Want to be tired on own terms.

The latest Crew wisdom, printed for you.

• Quitting on a Budget [Revised Edition, McGraw Hill]
• Double Thickness Bags Are Not the Answer [MIT Press]
• Switch Door to Off: Spawn Point Toggle [Microsoft Press]
• Other Stores Literally Carry the Same Thing [Razorbacks Retail Classics]
• Cheerfully Offensive [Taschen]
• I Hope Your Gerolsteiner Is Full of Worms That You Don’t See Until It’s Too Late (And 13 Additional Poems) [Christian Salvation Press]
• The German Man Behind the Shadow Veil Wants Us to Sell Panettone [Kraftwird Einsicht]
• Tired, Tired, Tired (of You, of This, of Life) [Western Glory Press]
• Speedy Service Is Earned Not Requested [Beginner Books]
• A Treatise on Why We Needed More Fancy Guacamole [O’Reilly]
• Suspended Transaction: Retail Save Point [Blizzard]
• Diamonds in the Dust: A Tale of the Glass Lost to Time Under the Shelf [National Geographic]
• QIL: An Alternative Definition of Quick [Pasadena Free Press]
• 28 Days of Questions: Sold Out Before the Holiday [screenplay, Hallmark Channel]
• You Said You Would Wait for Me to Find It but You Betrayed Me [Harlequin]
• Can Quantum Mechanics Explain Why They Don’t Take The Carts With Them? [MIT Press]
• Unless Someone Is in Danger You Need to Hang Up the Fucking Phone and Pay for Your Goddamn Groceries [Hearst]
• Temporarily Out of Season: A Rigorous Analysis of the Nomenclature of Availability [Cambridge University Press]
• Felted Nightmares [Nepal People’s Press]
• Vast Profit Through Adding Any Goddamn Flavor to Cheese [Wisconsin Dairy Advisory Board]
• Banter Breakdown, Uncomfortable Efficiency [Henry Ford Institute for the Destruction of Humanity]
• Barely Hanging in There: The True Story of How Is Your Day [Scholastic]
• Not Almost Out of Here: The Public’s Misunderstanding of Retail Schedules [Bloomberg]
• Put Everything in One Bag That Isn’t Too Heavy [Uline Publishing]
• An Argument in Favor of Perfume MSDS Requirements [OSHA Required Publishing]
• Register of Love: Feelings Bounded by Transactions [Penguin Classics]
• The Very Quiet Voice That Was Not Heard So They Didn’t Get Their Cornichons [AARP Quarterly]
• Desktop Compendium of Ways to Check the Eggs [4th Edition, Oxford University Press]
• If You’d Prefer to Be Disappointed in Five Minutes I Can Check the Back Room [PolitelyDisappointing.edu]
• No, No, No (We Don’t Have It, You Can’t Buy It, I Am Not Happy About It Either) [HarperCollins]
• Shhh…the Discontent We Share Transcends Words [Phoenix-Namarayu Press]
• Fireball in the Shitter: Determining Mental Health Issues By Evaluating Trace Evidence in the Bathroom Trash Can [Physician’s Desktop Reference]
• Buddy, Pal, Boss, Chief, Dude, Man, Bro, and Other Incorrect Identity Assumptions [Wired]

They are so perfect for each other

• Beauty
• Pronoun uniqueness
• Taste in music
• Feeble ethics
• Same lunch time
• Car broke down, in same car
• “Car broke down”, in same car
• Same work schedule
• Need for convenience
• Willingness to settle
• Desire to disgust and annoy coworkers
• Appreciate willingness to listen to stupid shit they say without being judged
• Made of electrostatic material
• They are customers wanting to block a narrow aisle for 12 minutes to discuss how Steph now attends TCU and is loving it

Taste great by themselves. Taste even better together!

• I Can’t Believe It’s Only Peanuts! (Unsalted)
• Tangy Weirdo Trek Mix (Pignolias, Pepitas, and Pickle Chips)
• The Leguminator (Peas, Peanuts, Garbanzos, Lentils, Edamame)
• Long Island Iced Trek (Almonds, Rum, Tequila, Cola, Triple Sec, Seltzer)
• Scandinavian Starches (Potato Chips, Tortilla Chips, Basmati Rice, Fusilli, Just the Lobsters)
• A Fine Start to the Day (Unbleached Flour, Ground French Roast Coffee, Turbinado Sugar, Flax Seed, Chia Seed, Dukkah)
• Just A Handful of Things Goats Will Eat (Kale, Shreds of Paper, Shoe Laces, Ice Cream Cones, Alfalfa Pellets, Orange Filled Chocolate Sticks)

Management may disagree, but these are valid.

• Feeling panicky because you learned that a bounty hunter is in town looking for you, and he knows where you work.
• Feeling panicky for no good reason and you can’t control it.
• Feeling panicky because you know you have to go to the bad place and clock in.
• Feeling depressed and hopeless and unable to get out of bed
• Contemplating suicide, and know that removing your ability to think things through in a constructive way because you are around people all day long might take you one step closer to the last step.
• Too many thoughts, which will inevitably result in staring into the middle space until someone notices and asks what you are doing, and it will be impossible to explain what is going on in your head, what you are actually doing, and this is an actual predictable thing that will happen which should be avoided.
• Allergies and any other unpleasantness of the nose, diagnosed or otherwise.
• Medical conditions that cannot be seen, like STIs, or cancer, or any mental health condition, all of which can be valid reasons to miss work.
• Quiz: Are mental health conditions valid reasons to miss work? Answer: Yes, the federal government even says so. 
• Overwhelmed by work because someone treated you bad the day before. 
• Overwhelmed by life, just need to do your own shit for a day without any interruption. Many people think this is an irresponsible reason to call out, but that’s just because they were feeling fine that day. We all need this day sometimes. Be reasonable.
• Resignation letter not finalized.
• Steve.
• Car accident, plumbing problem, electricity about to be shut off, any one of thousands of unfortunate car problem, childcare issue, family emergency, freezer defrosted, water/electricity off, child trapped in well.
• Found rich vein of gold directly under apartment while violating tenant rules and digging a hole in your living room. Need to mine as much as possible without getting caught before giving notice and moving to Aruba.
• They treat you like you are an unimportant cog every day, so fuck them if they don’t want to treat you with respect then they can live without you for a day. 
• On last chapter/episode of book/show.
• Reckless abandon.
• Unrequited sexual opportunity.
• Attacked/infested by wildlife.
• Don’t want to get caught not working.
• You are imagining hurting people or things at work.

If your reason is bad, then use one of these instead

• Think you have flu, cold, COVID-19, tuberculosis, chicken pox, shingles, mononucleosis, malaria, dengue, yellow fever, polio (solid documentation required), allergies from hell, nondescript fever, rash, uncontrolled sweating, diarrhea, vomiting air.
• Broke glasses, waiting on appointment.
• Fell, things hurt, waiting on appointment.
• Total bullshit, bail not yet posted. (Use as last resort.)
• Burned by scalding coffee while making good faith effort to prepare for day at work.
• You are the Statue of Liberty and you can’t move.
• Although you are covered in blood, you are not guilty.
• Still haven’t finished spending previous paycheck, so okay for now.
• Thirsty for the joy of life! (French citizens only)
• Rioting/road work near house
• They have not yet received the ransom! What are you doing about the ransom!
• Undercover investigation is complete.
• Pedestrian stuck in wheel well.
• You are the CEO of any goddamn company in America and you can do whatever the hell you want and nobody can do a damn thing about it.
• Partner flipped the fuck out. Need to protect possessions/life.
• Mother in law trapped in cellar, but if I move she’ll get out.
• Waitress hasn’t brought change or a box for the hashbrowns.
• Already called during my lucid dream
• Bee swarm
• Something awful on carpet that needs to be cleaned immediately
• Tree fell on house.
• Meteorite fell on house.
• ISS fell on house.
• Volcanic activity
• I let 911 services know why I didn’t want to go to work and now I’m face down on my rug with a knee on my neck.
• Breakdown of government infrastructure
• Collapse of society
• Delaware no longer providing tax advantages to corporations, so mumble mumble mumble mumble something about your bank. (Be prepared to present supporting documentation.)

Don’t say this. You’ve been warned.

• Ran out of Post-It notes.
• Need to snack. (Possibly defensible for a limited period of time.)
• Tried dividing by zero.
• Fortune cookie hinted at a non-optimal day.
• Tequila.
• Mercury in retrograde.
• Rob said it’s probably cool to stay home.
• Why do you need a reason?
• Made a million bucks today from everyone else’s labor and just want to kick back in Bermuda for a while, okay?
• Livestream cannot be rescheduled.
• PTSD caused by harassment not defined as harassment.
• Overdosed on Altoids, suffering from acute freshness.
• Ran out of ink and can’t print resume so need  to go print it at FedEx and I’ll probably be about 45 minutes late.
• Drunk, but in my defense I didn’t know it was daytime.
• Don’t believe in the permanence of time.
• Experiencing quantum entanglement with sofa.
• Accidentally don’t want to work today.