Everybody’s dream is to do what they love and get paid for it, although the path to that is not always clear. Use this guide to help you identify steps you can take to get to your dream job.

• If you sincerely enjoy empowering and guiding employees to meet their goals, then there probably isn’t any rewarding job out there for you.
• Do you enjoy politics and alternate reality scenarios where you get to do what you want even though it isn’t  fair? Try upper management.
• Do you have impeccable attention to detail and a thirst for revenge? Although not a posted position, you could be successful as a Crew Saboteur.
• If you enjoy playing around with the “big picture” and not getting involved with trivial details such as the impact of your actions on people’s “feelings,” then being a Regional Manager would suit your temperament well.
• Do you absolutely relish every opportunity to misrepresent failures as victories, and don’t have an honest bone in your body? Then have we got a world-class opportunity for you! Something in Public Relations!
• If you ever wake up and think “I would sure like to spend the day doing fuck all on my horse ranch in the Loire Valley,” then being a CEO might be the right choice.
• If you feel enriched when you quit a job to switch to a new job that is basically the same with the same wage but better hours, then any entry level job will satisfy you.
• Do you usually wake up without an alarm, drink a cup of good coffee, put your shoes on, head to your garage, pet your donkey and feed it some hay, then jump on and ride him to work, going straight through the front doors and into the break room, where you dismount, tie Stephan to the coffee machine, and proceed to go clock in? Damn, it don’t get any better than that.

Use these when expressing people’s actions

• My Verbs Are: FESTOON / PREVARICATE
• My Verbs Are: RISK / PANIC
• My Verbs Are: UNDERSTAND / HATE
• My Verbs Are: KAREN / STEVE
• My Verbs Are: RAGE QUIT / RAGE WORK
• My Verbs Are: STOP / MOCK
• My Verbs Are: IMPLY / BLASPHEME
• My Verbs Are: WONDER / FUCK AROUND

Or, how to express things to insure proper understanding of the message

• Sympathy card: Avoid cisgender pronouns unless their mother’s preference is known.
• Note of encouragement from regional manager: When sincere, wording should be short and terse, accompanied by donuts. If insincere, a rhyming cadence with copious exclamation marks is preferred.
• Missing bread: Write accusatory statement in red ink, circle five times, and use twelve exclamation marks.
• Where to store supplies: 1-3 exclamation marks at the end of each sentence (the same for each)
• Signing up for cleaning shift: Any arrival or departure times after midnight or before 4 am should be double underlined.
• Inventory procedures: Question marks strongly discouraged.
• Notes about back stock: Should be formatted like a bulleted list, but without bullets.
• Public notices about continuing worldwide plague, requesting minimal compliance to commonly accepted safety standards: Convey a sense of normalcy by using periods. Notices can be made more calming with the addition of commas.
• Dayforce message from person you have never heard of, asking everyone to do the important things they have already been doing for a while, reiterating that the important things are important: No type of grammar makes this acceptable.
• Name on locker, drawer, cabinet, backpack: Stars and curlicues acceptable.
• Labels for different parts of refrigerator: Bold word “PLEASE” underlined five times, circled, followed by 16 exclamation marks and a smiley face.
• Demo signs: All that’s important is that you write is using neon colors.
• Lettuce Recall sign: Generally speaking, in this situation any additional punctuation will cause fear. Run on sentences okay.
• Presidential thought bubble drawn on bills: Anything goes
• Mate reviews: Nobody reads these anyway so write whatever you want.
• Shopping list: Spice it up by using the past participle tense.
• Qty limit purchases signs: The people who need to see these will ignore them, so they are unnecessary.

Meal etiquette is largely arbitrary, but needlessly important

• Rx Bar: Appropriate for Breakfast, Lunch, Snack, or Dinner
• Smoked Salmon: It doesn’t matter when you eat it, but you better not be in the break room, Chris.
• Japanese Fried Rice: Appropriate for Breakfast, Lunch, or Dinner
• Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough: Appropriate for Snack or Dinner
• Tahini: Unknown use
• Pastry Pups: Inappropriate in all situations due to lack of microwave instructions
• Kimchi: Inappropriate for consumption at register, except for last half-hour of night
• Peppermints: Appropriate for Snack, and to throw at nearby Crew members to get their attention

Just go with it

• My Nouns Are: ULTIMATUM / HYDRANGEA
• My Nouns Are: HAM / SHAMPOO
• My Nouns Are: GIST / FINALE
• My Nouns Are: ATMOSPHERE / PARKING
• My Nouns Are: CAPTAIN / UNHAPPINESS
• My Nouns Are: APRICOT / JUXTAPOSITION
• My Nouns Are: GHOST / MOTIVATION
• My Nouns Are: LUPUS / MANIFESTO
• My Nouns Are: LETHARGY / LIBIDO
• My Nouns Are: HAPPINESS / DEATH
• My Nouns Are: WINE / PRETENSE
• My Nouns Are: OPENING / PENETRATION
• My Nouns Are: THESIS / FAILURE
• My Nouns Are: MUSIC / HELL

File under: Technology Improving Life

• Recover flattened cardboard box from one side of back room, drop near baler
• Listen in on secret conversation in Bridge
• Battle competing Crew drones for command of frozen aisle airspace
• Kill flies with rotors
• Breathtaking panoramic views of snacks aisle
• Capture base jump attempt from top of frozen upright freezer in a way not possible unless you were around 6-feet tall and held your camera over your head.
• Direct customers to shorter lines, or away from Tammy’s line because she’s being a bitch today.
• Broadcast video from parking lot so that Crew can enjoy how nice it is today from afar, and also watch the continual crappy parking attempts by people using the handicap spots.
• Setting return point to bathroom, initiating audio track to play excerpts from Carmina Burana, pushing go, leaving store.
• Attach store mascot to drone. Program it to fly outside and land in dumpster.
• Film amazing natural wonder of environment surrounding store (only applicable for stores located within boundaries of Bryce Canyon or Yellowstone).

Please use these when discussing me

• My Adverbs Are: QUICKLY / SLOPPILY
• My Adverbs Are: SLOWLY / SENSUOUSLY
• My Adverbs Are: SECRETLY / SNEAKILY
• My Adverbs Are: CLEVERLY / USELESSLY
• My Adverbs Are: NERVOUSLY / TWITCHILY
• My Adverbs Are: PERFECTLY / PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY
• My Adverbs Are: SEDUCTIVELY / FRESHLY
• My Adverbs Are: PRECARIOUSLY / DANGEROUSLY

Hopefully stop them from asking something dumb.

• The bells are for nothing.
• Only the damned hear the bells.
• I ring the bell to get help. A child rings the bell to go to hell.
• We do not sell Courvoisier.
• We discontinued it even though it was so good.
• It is so good.
• We have a bathroom.
• That is not a product name.
• We accept AMEX and ApplePay and probably “tap to pay” but you’re only the second person to ever mention it.
• It’s seasonal.
• We have tahini!

Express sentiments without speaking!

• Ask me about lemon juice!
• I don’t know your PIN.
• Only you can choose Credit or Debit.
• No.
• Yes, unless you have a gun, I need to see your ID.
• I am trying to help you.
• Checks are idiot papers full of numbers.
• I too am saddened that it was discontinued.
• Asking nicely is nicer.
• We have forks.
• This is my second job.
• I can reach that.
• I can ring a bell.
• We park at the back.