Category Archives: Products

Emotional Food

Products

Vicious Breakfast
Steelcut Oats

Only the Brave Are Comforted
Creamy Polenta

Arousing Snacking
Pistachio Nutmeats

A Cry for Help Coming From the Rotini
Vodka Sauce

Pretend Your Life Is Perfect
Stacked Eggplant Parmesan

Distress Signal
Sea Salt Brownie Petites

Kicked Off the Golf Course for Wading in the Water Hazard Sorority Gargle
Strawberry Margarita

Okay, This Has Gone Too Fucking Far With the Nut References! Can’t You Just Stick a Regular Name on a Regular Product! This Is Just a Way to Have Nuts Rub Against Your Clothes to Get Them Clean! What? No, the Clothes Get Clean! The Nuts Come Soaped Already. Goddammit I See You Laughing! I’m Not Saying Anything More! This Ends Here!
Laundry Soap Nuts

…Godammit…
Dark Chocolate Nutty Bits (60% Cacao)

Difficult Customer Conversations, Part 6

Communication, Products

Situation: Customer wants Strawberry Beet Juice.
Talking points: Not applicable. Never has been.

Situation: Customer thanks you for showing up to work, performing baseline duties.
Talking points: Thank them, but say that it would really help you if they could write the Nobel Committee to nominate you for the Retail Hospitality Award. You’re hoping to avoid a replay of last year when Brayden won, which was super disappointing.

Situation: Customer refers to you by name.
Talking points: Ask the customer to repeat what they just said. When they say your name, look puzzled. Gaze down at your nametag, remove it, and put it in your pocket. Inform them that [your name] isn’t available, but you are happy to help. Assist them with their question, and when done, put your nametag back on your shirt while they watch.

Situation: Customer claims to be doing great due to being “above ground.”
Talking points: Smile and nod to acknowledge their shallow appraisal of the value of life. Suggest that they round out their perfectly unpunctuated day with some mac and cheese.

Situation: Customer is sorry to bother you.
Talking points: Let them know that you are also sorry, very sorry, but there is nothing that either of you can do about it now. The bother is already laid on the table, so you might as well work through it and do your best to try and move past this black mark on your day.

Top Product Complaints, December 2020

Lists, Products
  • Jalapeño Creamer pairs poorly with Free Trade Nicaraguan Light Roast.
  • No way to know in advance when naan season will end.
  • How am I supposed to manage my eBay shop if you keep limiting how many I can buy?
  • Please sign my petition for reparations for people denied Pumpkin Kringles.
  • Why do I always have to make beer cold myself instead of just being able to buy one and drink it in the alley?
  • I want to buy 12 cases of the energy bar that you had forever and was always in stock until it went out of date and you had to share it because nobody liked it, and now you tell me that you can’t get any more?
  • The Tea Tree Oil & Cool Mint Mouth Wash tastes like charcoal soaked in gasoline. I’m concerned that it might actually be flammable because I spilled it on my pajamas.
  • I can’t get to the shredded cheeses because that lady is in the way.
  • I feel demeaned having to ask if you have more russets in the back.
  • I went to Hawaii once, and I can tell you that these “Hawaiian Style” chips are not as good as the ones you get on the Big Island. Everything is so much more relaxed there! They call it “island time.” Look! I got this puka shell bracelet there! Thank you, I love it. Do you have any plans to make a pineapple version of the chips? It’s too bad there isn’t a Trader Joe’s on Oahu. One time I did a helicopter tour on Kauai. It was so beautiful. Do you know when you’re opening a store there? Is Katy here? She always wears a Hawaiian shirt and we always talk about Island Life because she’s been there too. Oh, no it’s okay! I don’t want to bother you! Thank you for going to get her!
  • Your selection of farfalle is not as good as they have at farfalleuniverse.net.
  • It was a real inconvenience having to move out of the way so you could clean up the bottle of wine that I dropped.
  • When you corrected my pronunciation of quinoa I think you were wrong.
  • I drove 100 miles just to shop here, but now I find out you’re out of Huey Lewis and I have to settle for Gwen Stefani?
  • Sudden, loud, breathy sigh while standing in front of empty hole where black licorice usually is.