Category Archives: Lists

Planned Technology Updates, Part 3

Bureaucracy, Corporate, General Malaise, Lists

Card Reader

  • Ability to control device by pushing really hard near the desired button, or repeatedly stabbing with pen
  • Voice recognition to identify frustration and time out transactions sooner
  • Ability to not request cash back when requesting cash back


Bathrooms

  • Upgrading to high durability paper product dispensers, able to withstand 97% of urgency.


Staging Areas

  • New Premium Priority staging areas to be added to the end of each aisle to fast track stocking of preferred sections. 


Flat Carts

  • Improved ramming power
  • Folding stabilizers for safer sitting/lounging


WiFi

  • Boosters installed to amplify free WiFi access from neighboring businesses. 


Paper Bags

  • As a cost cutting measure, glue to be used only on seams. 


Coffee Grinders

  • Removal of part that keeps some of the ground coffee from coming out until you try to clean it.


Sticker Removal Tool

  • Addition of argon laser sight for precision sticker removal jobs.


COVID Notification System

  • Underground gossip network working reasonably well to identify those involved. No updates at this time.


Receipt Printer

  • Case to be changed to clear plastic making it possible to see when the paper is getting low.
  • “Paper” light will now fluctuate colors to indicate cashier’s mood. Mood will be determined by advanced algorithm analyzing mistyped SKU frequency, pressure sensor data, specifications of multiple items with a single scan versus multiple redundant scans, unconsummated use of the Flip Chart, and a bell sensor. Unless customized by management team, light will default to lavender. Sensors to be recalibrated quarterly.

Common Customer Questions

Lists, Questions
  • How much tahini is the right amount for me?
  • Is it okay to eat polenta if I’m still in my first trimester?
  • Can I leave this here for a minute and then come back for it?
  • My girlfriend likes salad, but I think it’s dumb. 
  • I’m concerned about glutens in my food. Do you have any super-glutenated foods, so that I can be sure of getting a full daily serving of gluten without having to worry about supplementing my diet?
  • I have a great many concerns about very many things, and nothing you say will change my mind?
  • I just started the Dr. ProPro Diet. Do you have a Dr. ProPro section with all your Dr. ProPro products that are Dr. ProPro Certified that I can shop in because I’m on the Dr. ProPro Diet?
  • I am doing well! I’m so glad you carry macadamia nuts, because I believe in a conspiracy theory that makes me aware of all the Toxins in every food we eat… except macadamia flour. I wish you sold the flour and not just the nuts but at least I’m glad you have the nuts and I can make the flour myself using the special mill I bought in Solvang that this old Dutch man, who’s like eighty, makes. He’s the only one in the country who makes it – that’s all he does! You’re The Only Place that carries macadamia nuts. I know you’ve finished ringing me up, but I’d love to take a little more of your and everybody in line’s time to let you know about my thoughts on all food that isn’t macadamia flour, and all the Chemicals in unmilled macadamia nuts, that the Government, and especially the State of Hawaii, don’t want to regulate due to Special Interests. Do you know if you’ll ever be getting the flour? Oh, that’s okay. I’ll just look next time I’m here. 
  • I drove by on Saturday and there were like TEN PEOPLE in line, and I was like oh my gosh! So I came back today at 2:00 pm and it turns out that Sunday is even busier! Do you have curbside pickup?
  • Hi, I’m going to be in your area in a couple hours, and I’m wondering if there’s a line outside?
  • Do you sell pasteurized sesame seeds?
  • Do you sell single rolls of toilet paper? Oh great! Oh, no, I mean your brand that comes in the six-packs. Is it possible to buy just one roll?
  • I’m looking for the coffee mango ice cream I bought here last time. Do you know where that is? You can just point to where it is. 
  • Do you know if you’re out of this very specific product with a very generic name, and would it be alright if you spent 10 minutes fruitlessly looking for it while I checked out and left the store?
  • I would like to get a case of endives.
  • When will you be getting the peppermint prosecco?

Things to Try

Lists
  • Choose a different name as a proactive step toward slowing the proliferation of Sarahs.
  • Order less saffron.
  • Come clean about your involvement in the Great Champs Elysées Rotation Scandal of 2020.
  • Issue a dissenting opinion concerning the monthly fridge cleaning policy.
  • Clock back in from lunch on time. Try it once to see how it feels.
  • Park right up front. Enter the store wearing a sequined vest, lavender suede shoes, and fedora sporting a 2-foot-long pheasant feather. (Licensed drivers only.)
  • Learn to be more self-sufficient and rely less on others for emotional support by treating everyone around you horribly, and generally being a selfish weasel, making them unwilling to speak to you.
  • Take one for the team by cleaning all that dust out from behind the bags.
  • Share the eggs. Go ahead, do it. You’re not really that busy are you?
  • Increase your product knowledge, familiarity with the return process.
  • What happens when you vacuum up a blueberry? Find out.
  • Make a mental note after cleaning out your pants pockets to bring the key to the paper towels dispenser back to work.
  • Spend more time perfecting your Ariana Grande impression to avoid a repeat of the lukewarm reception tonight’s intercom performance received.
  • Jazz up your huddle notes.
  • Be straight with your customers when they ask probing questions about tahini.
  • Bring home the box you put in the break room that’s in everyone’s way.
  • Carry a copy of your CV with you at all times, in case you meet a customer looking for an intern.
  • Shake up your stale routine! Find a new place to hide when checking your phone.
  • Spellcheck your notes in the Captain’s Log.
  • Take down the customer’s name and phone number when writing a hold request, so you can call them from time to time to see how things are working out with all that Hatch Chile Mac & Cheese.
  • You don’t have to wait for the company to decide your future. Enroll in a Big Joe operator certification course on your own.
  • Steal one Sharpie a week, unless you have anything better to do.
  • Try trying to try.
  • Learn to recognize the warning signs of Cookie Butter dependence.

Planned Technology Updates, Part 2

Corporate, Lists, , , ,

QIL (New)

  • Generic Spinning Apple will be upgraded to spinning Jazz apple by Q2 2021, with a planned future enhancement to a Rave apple in late 2023.
  • When name of discontinued product is entered in search box, screen will go black for 10 seconds while Taps is played.
  • Emulation mode will display Product Information link at the top of the page, just like on the Original QIL application, reducing combined scrolling time among all Crew by 13 hours per month (estimated).

Instagram

  • Use of #discontinued, #tos, #regional, #doneforseason, and #toomanyshares hashtags to be encouraged after licensing agreements finalized. 

GOLD

  • Ability to order specific colors of crew shirts.
  • Ability to specify sizes planned for 2022. 

Dayforce

  • Full native support of Oculus Rift goggles (Bridge computers only)
  • Crew option to immediately post all shifts for pick up as soon as they are assigned. Setting will control whether it applies to all shifts or weekends only.
  • Ability to follow coworkers and receive notifications when they are fired.
  • Five-day advance notice of needing to change your register password.

Time Clock

  • Confirmation beeps to be replaced by sound clip of Katy Perry singing “You’re in and you’re out!”

Top Product Complaints, December 2020

Lists, Products
  • Jalapeño Creamer pairs poorly with Free Trade Nicaraguan Light Roast.
  • No way to know in advance when naan season will end.
  • How am I supposed to manage my eBay shop if you keep limiting how many I can buy?
  • Please sign my petition for reparations for people denied Pumpkin Kringles.
  • Why do I always have to make beer cold myself instead of just being able to buy one and drink it in the alley?
  • I want to buy 12 cases of the energy bar that you had forever and was always in stock until it went out of date and you had to share it because nobody liked it, and now you tell me that you can’t get any more?
  • The Tea Tree Oil & Cool Mint Mouth Wash tastes like charcoal soaked in gasoline. I’m concerned that it might actually be flammable because I spilled it on my pajamas.
  • I can’t get to the shredded cheeses because that lady is in the way.
  • I feel demeaned having to ask if you have more russets in the back.
  • I went to Hawaii once, and I can tell you that these “Hawaiian Style” chips are not as good as the ones you get on the Big Island. Everything is so much more relaxed there! They call it “island time.” Look! I got this puka shell bracelet there! Thank you, I love it. Do you have any plans to make a pineapple version of the chips? It’s too bad there isn’t a Trader Joe’s on Oahu. One time I did a helicopter tour on Kauai. It was so beautiful. Do you know when you’re opening a store there? Is Katy here? She always wears a Hawaiian shirt and we always talk about Island Life because she’s been there too. Oh, no it’s okay! I don’t want to bother you! Thank you for going to get her!
  • Your selection of farfalle is not as good as they have at farfalleuniverse.net.
  • It was a real inconvenience having to move out of the way so you could clean up the bottle of wine that I dropped.
  • When you corrected my pronunciation of quinoa I think you were wrong.
  • I drove 100 miles just to shop here, but now I find out you’re out of Huey Lewis and I have to settle for Gwen Stefani?
  • Sudden, loud, breathy sigh while standing in front of empty hole where black licorice usually is.

Requests Denied

General Malaise, Lists
  • Communal bongos in break room
  • Charity fundraising event where people bid on items to be crushed in baler
  • TEDx Talk with QIL engineer discussing decisions to not support close matches or thesaurus technology, which would sure be nice when searching for Kunefe or Hot Chocolate
  • Customer pajama night
  • Close one aisle in order to host armadillo races (Texas only)
  • Freshen up those date stickers instead of pulling from shelf
  • Assign time to research what used to be in this building before the store, because what are those weird marks on the floor
  • Next Saturday off, to participate in your wedding which you’ve known about for six months of course, but you just forgot to request the day off, and Vernon was going to cover for you but now he’s backed out
  • Also, the two following weeks, for your honeymoon

Dress Code Memo, December 2020

Bureaucracy, Corporate, Lists

TO: ALL TEAM MEMBERS

RE: PROFESSIONAL APPEARANCE

In light of recent events, and to clarify the company’s values, please take some time to familiarize yourself with our uniform and dress code policies.

ACCEPTABLE

  • Official t-shirt
  • Pants, shorts, which are in good condition
  • Shoes in good condition
  • Official company masks

UNACCEPTABLE

  • Any attire with political commentary/connotation
  • Ballet- or dance-themed garments such as tutus, leg warmers, shirts with necks cut out, etc.
  • Shoes containing live animals such as goldfish, wasps, or hamsters
  • Excessive glitter
  • Hats capable of holding more than 2 cans of beer
  • Oversize belt buckles promoting trucks/good times
  • Garments promoting levity, charity, kindness, or unfounded assertions about the current quality of life
  • Garments that smell like hamburgers/kielbasa (Soy Chorizo allowed with proof of purchase)
  • Fishing hats worn in non-fishing situations
  • Any Manchester United teamwear, unless a riot permit is obtained in advance
  • Crappy bro-bar shirts from Cabo or Tijuana (permissible during meal breaks if at least 50 feet from store entrance, unless wearing Crocs)
  • Garments soiled by more than ¼ cup of pooled blood on the back, or ½ tablespoon of high velocity splatter total. If evidence is supplied that blood is from non-human origin then store leadership may, at their discretion, waive this restriction and allow the garment to be worn, pending investigation by law enforcement, as long as visible saturation does not exceed more than 75% of the garment.

Reasons to Clean

General Malaise, Lists
  • You discovered that plastic industry lied, things don’t always bounce.
  • Are new hire, hoping to win them over.
  • Dropped phone in hummus.
  • You had to do some troubleshooting in the bathroom.
  • Decision simplified per updated schedule.
  • Ironically, soap spill isn’t going to clean itself.
  • When everything is dirty, selective cleaning can be a tool for creative expression.
  • It’s your gap year.
  • Table sticky from cleaning residue.
  • Keeping hands damp so they won’t dry out and crack.
  • Trash can is outside. Weather fine.
  • Have been imprisoned by evil step sisters.
  • Ran out of paper plates.
  • Llama was angry.
  • Mop smell is now pants smell, must prevent it becoming car seat smell.
  • Someone complained about pumpkin mold juice.
  • It’s that, or face DFN.
  • Your mother doesn’t work here.
  • They’re watching you.
  • Really people!? That’s fucking disgusting!
  • The guy didn’t need a cart, did need 13 tubs of yogurt.
  • Need a fork.
  • Never give microscopic terrors a moment’s rest.
  • Scanner’s unblinking red eye has glaucoma.
  • You are a customer who believes that the one thing you saw fall on floor is the only thing that has been on floor.
  • Sub-par chicken packaging
  • Need to scratch face.
  • Although the pandemic has been over for ten years, and you swore you’d never clean again, you were not expecting to ever move out of this apartment.

Planned Technology Updates, Part 1

Corporate, Lists

As a company we always strive to move forward toward greater and greater success. To enable future WOW!s, we are proud to announce the following technology updates.

POS

  • Stepped upgrade to DOS 5.3 Q1-Q4 2021. Adding support for a fourth pixel color (pending outcome of trials in select markets).
  • Bitburger randomly added to orders without having to rely on accidentally entering secret key sequence.
  • Wider plastic frame around screens and built-in tape dispensers to enable easier posting of notes concerning missing SKUs.
  • Ability to reprint any receipts from the past 18 months

Portal

  • Commitment to reduce lag time when loading pages, from current 10-minute delay to under 8 minutes by fall 2021
  • Ability to turn off plus outs

Palette Jacks

  • Lever added to wheels to create a cool ratchet sound when rolling.
  • Neon kit added under lift bars.
  • New “Cruise” mode will allow lift bars to float only 1 mm off floor, lay down phat beats through subwoofers in back wheels. (Only available with neon kit package.)

Yellow Safety Cones

  • The cone by Demo that’s all bent up will be replaced after we get the results of inventory. 
  • New Roaming Safety Helms role will carry cone in back-mounted holster. Hip holster for portable vacuum cleaner planned for 2022.

Kiosk

  • Two-step authentication to allow crew members the choice of assisting customers by using either QIL or new “Joescape” web browser when needing additional product information.