Category Archives: Holidays

Retail Vocabulary: Security

General Malaise, Holidays, Lists, Uncategorized, , , , , ,

Spider Wrap
A popular expert level puzzle game where players compete against themselves to untangle a tricky web of wires before they fucking go insane. 

Clothing Tag
An mildly uncomfortable accoutrement attached to pricey garments until it can be removed using the stolen pliers.

Door Alarm
A tool for measuring cashier competency for the purposes of statistics and wagering. Theoretical abstract benefit as a theft deterrent.

Shopping Cart Wheel Lock
A device designed to discourage people from returning shopping carts once removed from the parking lot. 

Glitter Bomb
A bait and switch operation where someone believes they are getting a fancy gaming console, but instead are showered with unicorn dandruff and forced to vacate the porch.

Thoughts on Secret Santa

Holidays
  • If he be evil in his heart, we must seek out and destroy him! However, if he be yet righteous then his name should be sung from on high, praising the tiny gifts he brings! And yet his name is unknowable, causing a wonderment to stir amongst the Crew. Yea, they will talk amongst themselves until the truth be known. 
  • Is the $15 before the Crew Discount, or after?

Top 10 Beloved Holiday Traditions

Holidays,
  1. The six months of Panettone
  2. Discovering the thing that sounds so good online, but Instagram neglects to tell you that it was Done for the Season three weeks ago
  3. Finding the truly unique item that is completely amazing, but you don’t really want it, so you have to figure out who to buy it for.
  4. The annual pilgrimage to complain about crowds, shopping, human condition
  5. Getting out of work early the day before Christmas, to go home and spend a bunch more hours finishing up last-minute holiday preparations that, truth be told, you probably should have done last weekend
  6. Setting aside a couple of the new product for yourself during the four hours between its exit from the truck and when it is completely sold out forever
  7. The gigantic novelty bottle of wine to bring to the family dinner
  8. The things made from wool that turn out to be cookies
  9. Internal discussion about your ability to afford the awesome thing versus how much you need the awesome thing, which becomes more complicated when considering your estimation of how much your partner will also love it, which will be resolved when you discover that it is almost out of stock and you get paid in two days anyway.
  10. Thawing things