Situation: Customer has plans to not wear a mask in the store since they’ve had a hell of a day, and now this, and if a mask can’t stop their voice from escaping then how can it hold back a virus, if that’s even a real thing, because viruses are probably a thousand times smaller than sound. Also, they just kind of feel angry a lot of the time.
Talking points: Several hours before you encounter this situation you should mentally practice informing them as sympathetically as possible that they will need to change their plans.

Situation: Customer does not understand concept of a production delay.
Talking points: This is a unique opportunity to express empathy with the customer, because you also do not really know what a production delay is. You say it all the time, but usually have no specific information about what it means. Let them know you have no fucking clue, and that you could be waiting for the next growing season of cashews, or maybe it’s due to the Gingermints factory burning down. It may paradoxically be more difficult to explain a delay if QIL gives more details, such as “Port delay,” because you have no experience working at a port. It might conceivably be a euphemism for a military coup, a ship grounded on a sand bar, a shipping container leaking unidentified black goo, or a single missing signature on the manifest. Invite them to sit down with you, have a cup of coffee, and make a list of all imaginable meanings of a production delay. If they are hesitant, suggest that you could sweeten the deal by opening a bag of Scandinavian Swimmers to share. It’s okay to let them know that you share their frustration, but do not reveal how lonely you are.

Situation: Customer has been to better Trader Joe’s.
Talking points: Let them know that it is true, you have never been to New York City. Ask them details about their store and enthusiastically agree that it sounds fantastic, and that you will add it to your NYC bucket list, under the Glass Waterfall Tunnel, the UN Meditation Room, and the Abandoned Smallpox Hospital. Coming from someone with such a vitriolic objection to prices being stuck on the bouquet wrappers, their thinly veiled insults should not have come as a surprise.

Situation: Excuse me…
Talking points: Vicky, can you help this customer because I’m on lunch?

Situation: Customer forgot to bring pants/mask to wear while shopping.
Talking points: If the customer is wearing pants but no mask, then call for a manager to speak with them about social distancing. If they are wearing a mask but no pants then express your admiration for their endurance during the inclement weather. Offer to let them borrow a pair of pants from the store to use while they shop. If the customer is wearing neither pants nor a mask, the root issues at play are not obvious. Ring a two-bell and request folding chairs. Sit down with the customer. Get to know them. Really dig deep. Start with today and travel backward. Allow all other customers to come and go as they please.

Situation: Person asks Crew at front door what line is for.
Talking points: This is a surprising point of confusion, but some people have never encountered a line at any time in their life. Maintain your patience, and explain that the line is for waiting. Do not offer further details as it may be a phishing scheme.

Situation: Customer has polenta preference.
Talking points: This is a highly suspect claim. Keep the conversation brief. Divert to non-polenta topics, such as crunchy foods like biscotti or dry pasta. Avoid mentioning products with squishy textures, such as tofu, as it may provide a door to bring the discussion back around to polenta. Call for bagging help to expedite the customer’s exit.

Situation: Timeclock sounds angry, says angry things.
Talking points: The timeclock is always angry. The timeclock hates you continuously, every day, even if it’s your day off, and every night. The timeclock extra-hates you in leap years, when it has an extra 24 hours to be brimming with seething anger. It’s always surprised by leap day, which is ironic since it’s a timeclock. But it is, because it is so full of malaise that it has forfeited its sight into the future. The timeclock wants you to leave forever and take your dumb time with you. The timeclock should not be appeased. Don’t bring yourself down to its level. Talk to a management helper person for assistance.