Category Archives: Corporate

Retail Vocabulary: Managers

Corporate, General Malaise, ,

My Manager
When using a first person pronoun, this indicates the person who is summoned when the customer demands to be proven wrong beyond a doubt, allowing no further recourse, and necessitating the customer’s immediate departure.

The Manager
When referenced using the specific article, this indicates a nonspecific person in charge of saying we’re sorry, with special focus on not making any promises, and a keen ability to lie about apprising the head of advertising about the typographical error.

A Manager
This mythical yet common creature is requested by a customer who believes, before even speaking with you, that you have neither the inclination nor the ability to assist them with their bullshit unprecedented fringe case requirements. 

Your Manager
When indicated using the second person, this references a person who will be annoyed in the future, with whom you will be able to observe and discuss their annoyance.

Retail Vocabulary: Daily Issues

Corporate, General Malaise, , , , ,

Professional
A state of being exemplified by detachment from common emotions, an unwillingness to discuss issues with roots outside the scope of money, often accompanied by deceit, greed, and a diminished capacity for focus on details. [See Sociopathology]

Inappropriate
Attire capable of seducing or offending a customer, or both simultaneously, is generally regarded as inappropriate, especially when described in writing. Inappropriate clothing should absolutely be worn when shopping on your day off.

Goal
An arbitrary construct which can easily be modified, despite leader’s claims to the contrary. Because dude, unless you’re trying to save people trapped in a well, then you and your vision just need to chill.

Promotion
A method used to entice someone to do something not fun, such as changing their phone plan, or reprimanding Merideth for doing that thing where she mixes up all the bills in the register, that’s not really a big deal, but come on.

Schedule
A formalized method for allowing people the time they need to do things they don’t want to do.

Microwave
A device used by amateur CSI enthusiasts to research medium velocity soup splatter. 

Retail Vocabulary: Locations

Corporate, General Malaise, , ,

Bathroom
A coveted room that is semi desperately needed all day long, except when resenting that it was assigned to you for cleaning. 

Break room
A basic break room will feature sticky counters and a refrigerator half full of molding leftovers. 

A fancy break room may feature a TV playing the most annoying fucking shit ever to come out of Burbank, at a volume that competes with municipal weather alert sirens; and a refrigerator half full of molding leftovers. 

An executive break room is located at the airport, and requires some kind of stupid credit card to be granted admittance. Food in these locations is expensive and served in modest portions, resulting in few leftovers, which are put into the trash and only allowed to mold off premises.

Meeting Room
A dangerous closed space in which crisply clothed khaki goblins battle for control over the souls of the subjugated. Meetings in which tiny sandwiches are provided should be approached with suspicion.

Planned Technology Updates, Part 3

Bureaucracy, Corporate, General Malaise, Lists

Card Reader

  • Ability to control device by pushing really hard near the desired button, or repeatedly stabbing with pen
  • Voice recognition to identify frustration and time out transactions sooner
  • Ability to not request cash back when requesting cash back


Bathrooms

  • Upgrading to high durability paper product dispensers, able to withstand 97% of urgency.


Staging Areas

  • New Premium Priority staging areas to be added to the end of each aisle to fast track stocking of preferred sections. 


Flat Carts

  • Improved ramming power
  • Folding stabilizers for safer sitting/lounging


WiFi

  • Boosters installed to amplify free WiFi access from neighboring businesses. 


Paper Bags

  • As a cost cutting measure, glue to be used only on seams. 


Coffee Grinders

  • Removal of part that keeps some of the ground coffee from coming out until you try to clean it.


Sticker Removal Tool

  • Addition of argon laser sight for precision sticker removal jobs.


COVID Notification System

  • Underground gossip network working reasonably well to identify those involved. No updates at this time.


Receipt Printer

  • Case to be changed to clear plastic making it possible to see when the paper is getting low.
  • “Paper” light will now fluctuate colors to indicate cashier’s mood. Mood will be determined by advanced algorithm analyzing mistyped SKU frequency, pressure sensor data, specifications of multiple items with a single scan versus multiple redundant scans, unconsummated use of the Flip Chart, and a bell sensor. Unless customized by management team, light will default to lavender. Sensors to be recalibrated quarterly.

Important Forms, Part 3

Bureaucracy, Corporate

Form TJ0005: Lost Help
If customer looks confused and is craning their head around clearly looking for something but claims that they are just browsing, please have them fill out this form which waives their right to ask for any assistance later. If they refuse to cooperate, write “refused to sign” at bottom. Explain to them that the store will keep this copy in their records, but if they need a copy they can request one at the Bridge during normal store hours. Make certain they understand that notary services are not included and if they need notarization then they need to arrange for one themselves.

Form SH0001: Shaw Certificate
Features the unofficial Shaw motto: “Good enough for everyday use, strong enough for family gatherings.” Keep a stack of these certificates at the register and complete one for every order with more than one bottle of Shaw. Note how many of each varietal are being purchased in the spaces provided. Only one Certificate should be issued per order, and additional notations can be made on the back. For customers purchasing a case of Shaw, point out how they can cut apart the box to make a handsome frame for the Certificate. If they would like a commemorative photo of them holding the certificate while standing in front of the Shaw stacks then ring a two-bell and request a “cork popper.”

Form MVA0001: Home Office Contact
Customer request to inform home office about a product. Indicate whether it is a discontinued product they want back, one they want us to start carrying, or an issue with a product. Customer is required to indicate the exact person at the home office who should be informed of these things. If they do not know which person is appropriate, have them browse a printout of the corporate directory so that they can choose. If they can’t decide who to choose, try recommending a mid- to senior-level Marketing person, because they seem likely to care about things like this. Make sure that they initial the box that says, “Due to a high volume of requests, responses may take up to 6 months to get answered. Any requests sent to individuals at Director level or above will be ignored.”

Planned Technology Updates, Part 2

Corporate, Lists, , , ,

QIL (New)

  • Generic Spinning Apple will be upgraded to spinning Jazz apple by Q2 2021, with a planned future enhancement to a Rave apple in late 2023.
  • When name of discontinued product is entered in search box, screen will go black for 10 seconds while Taps is played.
  • Emulation mode will display Product Information link at the top of the page, just like on the Original QIL application, reducing combined scrolling time among all Crew by 13 hours per month (estimated).

Instagram

  • Use of #discontinued, #tos, #regional, #doneforseason, and #toomanyshares hashtags to be encouraged after licensing agreements finalized. 

GOLD

  • Ability to order specific colors of crew shirts.
  • Ability to specify sizes planned for 2022. 

Dayforce

  • Full native support of Oculus Rift goggles (Bridge computers only)
  • Crew option to immediately post all shifts for pick up as soon as they are assigned. Setting will control whether it applies to all shifts or weekends only.
  • Ability to follow coworkers and receive notifications when they are fired.
  • Five-day advance notice of needing to change your register password.

Time Clock

  • Confirmation beeps to be replaced by sound clip of Katy Perry singing “You’re in and you’re out!”

Dress Code Memo, December 2020

Bureaucracy, Corporate, Lists

TO: ALL TEAM MEMBERS

RE: PROFESSIONAL APPEARANCE

In light of recent events, and to clarify the company’s values, please take some time to familiarize yourself with our uniform and dress code policies.

ACCEPTABLE

  • Official t-shirt
  • Pants, shorts, which are in good condition
  • Shoes in good condition
  • Official company masks

UNACCEPTABLE

  • Any attire with political commentary/connotation
  • Ballet- or dance-themed garments such as tutus, leg warmers, shirts with necks cut out, etc.
  • Shoes containing live animals such as goldfish, wasps, or hamsters
  • Excessive glitter
  • Hats capable of holding more than 2 cans of beer
  • Oversize belt buckles promoting trucks/good times
  • Garments promoting levity, charity, kindness, or unfounded assertions about the current quality of life
  • Garments that smell like hamburgers/kielbasa (Soy Chorizo allowed with proof of purchase)
  • Fishing hats worn in non-fishing situations
  • Any Manchester United teamwear, unless a riot permit is obtained in advance
  • Crappy bro-bar shirts from Cabo or Tijuana (permissible during meal breaks if at least 50 feet from store entrance, unless wearing Crocs)
  • Garments soiled by more than ¼ cup of pooled blood on the back, or ½ tablespoon of high velocity splatter total. If evidence is supplied that blood is from non-human origin then store leadership may, at their discretion, waive this restriction and allow the garment to be worn, pending investigation by law enforcement, as long as visible saturation does not exceed more than 75% of the garment.

Planned Technology Updates, Part 1

Corporate, Lists

As a company we always strive to move forward toward greater and greater success. To enable future WOW!s, we are proud to announce the following technology updates.

POS

  • Stepped upgrade to DOS 5.3 Q1-Q4 2021. Adding support for a fourth pixel color (pending outcome of trials in select markets).
  • Bitburger randomly added to orders without having to rely on accidentally entering secret key sequence.
  • Wider plastic frame around screens and built-in tape dispensers to enable easier posting of notes concerning missing SKUs.
  • Ability to reprint any receipts from the past 18 months

Portal

  • Commitment to reduce lag time when loading pages, from current 10-minute delay to under 8 minutes by fall 2021
  • Ability to turn off plus outs

Palette Jacks

  • Lever added to wheels to create a cool ratchet sound when rolling.
  • Neon kit added under lift bars.
  • New “Cruise” mode will allow lift bars to float only 1 mm off floor, lay down phat beats through subwoofers in back wheels. (Only available with neon kit package.)

Yellow Safety Cones

  • The cone by Demo that’s all bent up will be replaced after we get the results of inventory. 
  • New Roaming Safety Helms role will carry cone in back-mounted holster. Hip holster for portable vacuum cleaner planned for 2022.

Kiosk

  • Two-step authentication to allow crew members the choice of assisting customers by using either QIL or new “Joescape” web browser when needing additional product information.