There’s nothing wrong with asking for help if you can’t find something. Here are some quick tips to get you started.

Speak loudly enough for the person to hear you. For instance, try imagining that you are talking to someone who is as far from you as the person you want to speak with, and speak loudly enough for that person to hear you. If they don’t seem to react to the sound of your voice, then try using a louder voice. You may want to practice this in a safe place by yourself before going into a real store. Although it may be tempting, don’t play the “feeble old lady who doesn’t understand how acoustics or social interactions work” card. Everyone will be annoyed, and like c’mon, our ancestors have been doing this for like a million years! You’re not fooling us. Having people hear you can be scary, but the communication might be worth it.

Sometimes it can be challenging to understand people speaking through a mask. To minimize frustration, experts recommend using real words, and if possible not being super drunk. A handy rule of thumb is to pretend that the person you are talking to doesn’t already know ahead of time what you are saying, so they might need to rely on hearing the sounds you are using to make word shapes in the air. If those word shapes are weird or blurry, then maybe go sleep in your car for a while until you sober up, or go stand in front of a mirror to practice moving your lips to form sounds. Stick with it! If elected officials can do it, so can you!

Ask about real things that exist and are not complete imaginary fairy dust magic. It’s okay to keep it simple! You could say, “I need eggs,” and see what happens. Or even something complex like, “I want to make a soup with beans, and some kind of meat, and veggies I guess, but I don’t know where to start.” Store personnel are extensively trained to field questions like these.  But they are not trained for requests like, “Where is the squeaky sauce? Also, I need those balloon grapes.” Nobody will know what you are talking about. Because you are batshit crazy. Keep those things inside your head if possible.

If you’re asking how to find something that you are standing literally right in front of…you know what, that’s totally okay. We’ve all done it, so don’t sweat it. It’s just groceries. We’re not saving people from a collapsed coal mine. If anybody at the store says anything bad about you then they need to get their own house in order first and zip their lips. They are constantly doing stupid things, and even breaking stuff. Do they feel bad? No, and you shouldn’t either.

Although in a strict Freudian therapeutic setting people will sometimes talk to people who are behind them and completely out of sight, common social conventions suggest that discussions with people who can see that you are talking to them are particularly successful. If the person you want to speak to cannot see you, consider using an opening such as, “Excuse me…” or even the more casual, “Hi…” A question, or implied question, works best. If you only say, “the rice pasta,” or “Cookies, cookies, oh, jackfruit,” they won’t know you are trying to talk to them, because only people who are loopy from breathing the fumes wafting up from the gasoline they spilled on their pants will grammatically fail like that. To recap: When in doubt, use full sentences that are questions, and stand within view of the person you’re talking to.

People at the store may even want to communicate with you! Sometimes stores close, just for the day, not forever. Usually this happens after dark. It seems strange, but have you ever been driving at night and seen a gas station that had it’s lights off? That’s because it was closed. Gas stations stay open way later than most grocery stores. If you’re in a store and you seem to be the only customer, ask yourself, “When I leave here, can I get gas at my usual gas station, or might I have to go to one by the interstate that is open 24 hours?” If you might have to go to the interstate, and if the store you’re in is not a 24-hour store, then you may be shopping in a closed store. You’re probably the last customer, and they want you to leave. All the other people in the store, the workers, they resent you. You might also infer the store is closed by how extremely helpful the staff get. They REALLY want to help you find what you need. If you need to be in the store more than an additional 3 minutes then you should make up a story about your friend having cancer and you’re putting together a care package. You don’t have to cry, but apologize really a whole lot and don’t try to make a lot of sense. If you do not do this, and you spend another 10 minutes lazily browsing the aisles, then you’ll be cursed, and when you die your soul will have to answer to Ingmar Skarsgård, Director of Retail Operations for Valhalla, who frankly doesn’t give a shit that you couldn’t decide on a cheese for your charcuterie board. He will be pissed. You’ll be totally fucked. It’s not worth it.

Form PAN0016: Rest Break Only
If a customer wishes to skip the line because they only need to use the restroom, have them read and initial the terms of service and point out that if they do any shopping they will be held vaguely liable for undetermined damages, up to and including refusal to sell any seasonal items to them.

Form RG0266: Loose Change Auth
Waiver of compensation for injury stemming from customer’s insistence to pay $2.66 in coins they claim are randomly distributed within their bag somewhere, while four customers with full carts are waiting behind them. If it is after dark make sure that they check the box which states “I understand that I may be pummeled to death in the parking lot by my fellow shoppers.” If they have questions about this, ring a three bell.

Form TJ0001: Retail Anguish
Acknowledgement that the customer drove one hour to buy the one special thing that has been discontinued without bothering to call ahead to find out if you had it. After they initial the page, make a photocopy of the document and circle their initials with a highlighter, before sending it home with them so they will always have a record of this. Don’t just drop it in their bag. Hand it to them.

Form TJ303: Indication of Hatred
If a customer is very angry with you for things beyond your control that corporate has mandated, then work with them to file this form. Encourage them to write the specific issues in the space provided. Please make sure they indicate their anger level (1–5) and if they feel particularly wronged they can check the box labeled “Indignant”. Take them to a quiet place in the store to discuss the triggers of this anger response, and if the outcome is as bad as they forecasted. Check in again after ten minutes to have the customer rate their anger level, which should be lower after this mindfulness exercise. Let them keep the form, and assign them homework to complete the anger management worksheet on the back side.

Customers are like real people. They experience a range of emotions, including joy, excitement, frustration and anger. When the circumstances are just right, they can experience too many emotions at once, or they might experience feelings that are inappropriately strong for a simple shopping experience. Their bad feelings might start to come out of their mouth, and you will need to address the badness. Here are ways to constructively address these difficult situations.

Situation: Favorite product discontinued. Customer presents with sorrow, frustration, disorientation, weakness.
Talking points: Although the customer may appear weak, do not be fooled. If their frustration turns to anger they are capable of lashing out with their powerful limbs, or using their cart as a ramming weapon. In addition to physical damage, they may also ask to speak to a manager. Deflect attention from the unimaginable lifestyle change that faces them by asking if they have found The Store Mascot. This will likely confuse them, or they may appear irritated, but it is crucial not to waver at this point. Ask if they like stickers. If they say they do, then go get them some stickers. If they say they do not like stickers then tell them how good the current stickers are and that they just need to see them first. Tell them to wait there, then go get stickers. Give stickers to a Mate, asking them to deliver them to the customer because you are helping another customer.

Situation: Customer in line at register walks away from cart, is next in line.
Talking points: If there are other customers behind the customerless cart, they may look to you in a way that suggests they should go next. This is a delicate situation, since the customer wanting to jump ahead is acting reasonably. However, the customer who has walked away is very likely oblivious to anyone else being in the store. We never want to do anything to discourage such behavior. Most customers are quite reasonable though, and they will sympathize with the difficulty you face. So when you tell everyone that you are closing your register they will probably understand.

Situation: Customer appears to be having bad day.
Talking points: If they seem really worn out and sad, try to cheer them up with a wow! customer experience. Offer them a free pineapple or paper towels. If they want the pineapple then they are going to need the paper towels. You should not give both things to them for free, so negotiate with them, “If you buy the paper towels then I’ll give you the pineapple.” In this way, you are not only upselling them, but they will also feel involved in the wowl experience. If you sense the transaction heading in this direction, you should remove your nametag. Also tear off the bottom of the receipt.

Situation: Customer refers to themselves as a famous shopper, known for regularly purchasing the same product during each of their frequent shopping trips, requesting that you get a whole bunch of it from the back.
Talking points: Tell them you’ll look in the back, but make it clear that they are welcome to leave the store at any time if it seems like you are taking too long.