Category Archives: Bureaucracy

Important Forms, Part 6

Bureaucracy, Communication

Form TJ0111: Mumble Trap
When someone seems to be making an attempt to communicate with you, but you are unable to understand them, retrieve a Form TJ0111 from one of the form racks at the end of each aisle and ask them to complete Section I (Premise of Conversation). They should put checkmarks by all applicable items to indicate whether they A) Have a Question, B) Would Like to Share a Comment, of if they C) Weren’t talking to you. They should also indicate whether they “Require a response.” Even if they weren’t talking to you, it is important to resolve all mumble-based conflicts in the store. Impress upon them the importance of continuing to fill out Section II (Needs). In the space provided, they should list all things they need. Even if they do not require a response they should complete this section. Their list should be exhaustive, and include products, services, clarification of store policies, and philosophical issues needing resolution. If at any point they resist completing the form, do not engage them verbally. Highlight Section III (Clarity Waiver), and indicate that they should initial the statement “I understand that the sounds I make do not meet the criteria for communication, but I wish to continue attempting audible discussion. I understand that you will do the best you can to assist me, but that at any point you may lead me up to the Bridge and foist me off on a Mate.”

Form RG0004: Semi-Transactional Request
If you ask a customer at register if they found everything they were looking for, and they admit that they did not, ask them to complete Form RG0004. They should provide product names or vague descriptions (in a bag, salty, gluten free snacks, etc.), and indicate desired quantities. Ask them to initial the statement “I understand that by requesting this, and as an indication of good will, I should stand here at the register until the Crew member returns with the information or product, but I am free to leave at any time.”

Form RG0505: Hidden Object Investigation
When a customer begins telling you about unseen objects in the cart they are either warning you of dangers, acting on a hunch, or seeing into the future. In any case it is best to document their claims with RG0505. Ask them to complete Section I (Unseen Items), and list the approximate location of each one. Do not allow them to dig for the claimed objects as it could taint the evidence. As you remove items from the cart and uncover the hidden objects, update the form with actual locations. If any undeclared objects are discovered, such as shopping lists or sex toys, list them in Section II (Unexpected Discoveries). If the condition of the recovered artifact differs significantly from the original description you should document those details in Section III (Deviations). Before the customer leaves, review the accuracy of their projections and overall score with them, and explain what options are available to take their instincts to the next level.

Form RG0003: Mumble Storm
Consider using this form if a customer is speaking quietly and mumbling, but only if they are acting like they expect a response from you. Mark sections Section I (Payment Method) and Section II (Packing) with a highlighter pen and hand it to them with a pen. For payment method they should put a check by one or more options: “Do you take checks? I have a check,” “I have this card, can I use this?” or “Money.” In Section II (Packing) they should indicate whether they want a “bag”, “double bag”, “a box”, or “I’ve got small strangely shaped bags.” If they write freeform instructions in the margins, then inform the remaining customers in line that they should switch lines and flip form over to reveal Form TJ0002b (Mumble Storm Chaser). Check the box that says “Mumble assist please,” sign your name and indicate register number. Fold and seal, then ring a two-bell and give it to a Crew member to deliver to a Mate.

Important Forms, Part 5

Bureaucracy

Form TJ1303: Request for Roger
If a customer is wondering if Roger is working now, this form should be used. However, although primarily designed to be used when needing to locate Roger, this form may also be used to request information about any Crew member, by indicating their name in Section II (Line 1). In such a case, be sure to put a check in the box at the top of Section I which states “I am not looking for Roger.” The rest of Section I may be skipped, and the customer should continue completing Section II. Enter the other person’s relationship to Roger (brother, saw on bus, etc.) on Line 2. If unknown, check box for “No known connection,” and in box 2b write a brief theory of what you think this person and Roger would think of each other. Any customer who does not need to find Roger, or anybody else, still needs to complete the form, but should skip Sections I and II. Proceed to Section III, and sign under the statement “Under penalty of perjury I swear that I do not know Roger or anybody else in this store and I only need to shop.” Bring to Bridge to have it timestamped. In the rare case where Roger is not looking for himself nor anyone else, and is working and therefore does not want to shop, he should use the back side of the form to write a brief essay (400 words or less) about how he feels about this form that is all about him. Roger should be forced to do this during lunch.

Form TJ1000: Waiver of Egg Rights
Any customer saying they are okay accepting a cracked egg should be compelled to sign this form. Make sure they sign and date under the statement, “I understand that the eggs I am purchasing contain one or more cracked eggs, and I am waiving my right to have them replaced.” Have an uninvolved customer sign as a witness, and the cashier and bagger (if applicable) should also sign. Pink copy goes to the customer, white to the Home Office, and yellow copy should be placed in the store files, alphabetically by customer’s first name.

Form BA0009: Bale Readiness and Request to Make
Any Crew discovering that the baler is at maximum capacity should complete this form in order to begin the process of making a bale. Indicate time of discovery and presence of any non-paper material content (NPMC), as well as estimated likelihood of waxed carton inclusion. Indicate whether plunger can descend below arrow, and number of inches below in whole numbers. Check box to indicate whether 1) I am able to make the bale alone, 2) I need assistance making the bale, or 3) I am unable to participate in making the bale (usually reserved for accommodations due to chronic wire trauma, or needing to jump on reg). Submit form directly to Captain to assign someone to make the bale. Captain must initial beside baler assignment. If Captain refuses to initial, then write their verbal Crew assignment and “refused to initial,” and give the form to a Mate. After they’ve reviewed the form and discussed any unclear information, then they will take it to the Bridge to confirm that the assigned Crew is available to make the bale. To insure proper recordkeeping, the completed form should be scanned and sent to headquarters immediately. Although it is generally okay to proceed with making the bale, the approval is still technically in Pending status until approval is received from the VP of Merchandising, so if the circumstances are unusual then it may be wise to delay action until getting a response.

Form RG0025: Cash Back in Quarters
Use this form if a customer requests a roll of quarters. This recordkeeping is especially important for stores near laundromats or with metered parking. Requests must be made at least two hours in advance to allow time for processing. Requests made less than two hours before closing will be processed the following day. If customer also wishes to count the quarters in the roll, they must file the form three days in advance via certified mail or in person in the presence of a Notary. Quarter counting appointments cannot be made online at this time. Proof of Need (PON) is required for all quarter requests and must be detailed in section 4e, “Explanation of Need.” Any request for specific state coins, release years, or Mint Marks or attributes is grounds for immediate ejection from the store. No paperwork or appointment is needed for requests of fewer than 80 quarters.

Important Forms, Part 4

Bureaucracy

Form MA0001: Bridge Expansion
Request for size of bridge to be doubled. Must be signed by either the captain, or unanimously by all mates. May be submitted directly to contractors as a bonded purchase order. If there is a dispute wherein the captain requests the enlargement but not all mates agree, then form should be directed to the regional manager for arbitration.

Form TJ0227: Request to Shoplift (Alcohol)
Request to steal a bottle of the expensive wine. Must be submitted three days in advance, to allow for chicken wire to be installed around the wine. Make sure to record their ID information in the spaces provided, as you will not be able to check it after the bottle is stolen.

Form PAN0001: Request for Shorter Outside Line
Crew members may hand out this form to customers in line. When the customer gets to the front of the line make sure you witness them signing it and then they can submit it to you. Provide them with a Line Pass, valid for day of receipt only, non-transferrable.

Form TJ0008: Delayed Inquiry
Inquiry about out of stock item delayed until arriving at the register. Should be signed before two bell is wrung. Inform the customer that in the future they should submit a Search in Back Request form (TJ0007) to ascertain product availability while they are shopping before they get to checkout. Enter their driver’s license information on the bottom of the form and check it against list of previous offenders. If a match is found, ring a three-bell to have a Mate give them a stern warning about how selfishness affects everyone in the store. Any seasonal products with limited availability should be removed from their cart.

Planned Technology Updates, Part 3

Bureaucracy, Corporate, General Malaise, Lists

Card Reader

  • Ability to control device by pushing really hard near the desired button, or repeatedly stabbing with pen
  • Voice recognition to identify frustration and time out transactions sooner
  • Ability to not request cash back when requesting cash back


Bathrooms

  • Upgrading to high durability paper product dispensers, able to withstand 97% of urgency.


Staging Areas

  • New Premium Priority staging areas to be added to the end of each aisle to fast track stocking of preferred sections. 


Flat Carts

  • Improved ramming power
  • Folding stabilizers for safer sitting/lounging


WiFi

  • Boosters installed to amplify free WiFi access from neighboring businesses. 


Paper Bags

  • As a cost cutting measure, glue to be used only on seams. 


Coffee Grinders

  • Removal of part that keeps some of the ground coffee from coming out until you try to clean it.


Sticker Removal Tool

  • Addition of argon laser sight for precision sticker removal jobs.


COVID Notification System

  • Underground gossip network working reasonably well to identify those involved. No updates at this time.


Receipt Printer

  • Case to be changed to clear plastic making it possible to see when the paper is getting low.
  • “Paper” light will now fluctuate colors to indicate cashier’s mood. Mood will be determined by advanced algorithm analyzing mistyped SKU frequency, pressure sensor data, specifications of multiple items with a single scan versus multiple redundant scans, unconsummated use of the Flip Chart, and a bell sensor. Unless customized by management team, light will default to lavender. Sensors to be recalibrated quarterly.

Important Forms, Part 3

Bureaucracy, Corporate

Form TJ0005: Lost Help
If customer looks confused and is craning their head around clearly looking for something but claims that they are just browsing, please have them fill out this form which waives their right to ask for any assistance later. If they refuse to cooperate, write “refused to sign” at bottom. Explain to them that the store will keep this copy in their records, but if they need a copy they can request one at the Bridge during normal store hours. Make certain they understand that notary services are not included and if they need notarization then they need to arrange for one themselves.

Form SH0001: Shaw Certificate
Features the unofficial Shaw motto: “Good enough for everyday use, strong enough for family gatherings.” Keep a stack of these certificates at the register and complete one for every order with more than one bottle of Shaw. Note how many of each varietal are being purchased in the spaces provided. Only one Certificate should be issued per order, and additional notations can be made on the back. For customers purchasing a case of Shaw, point out how they can cut apart the box to make a handsome frame for the Certificate. If they would like a commemorative photo of them holding the certificate while standing in front of the Shaw stacks then ring a two-bell and request a “cork popper.”

Form MVA0001: Home Office Contact
Customer request to inform home office about a product. Indicate whether it is a discontinued product they want back, one they want us to start carrying, or an issue with a product. Customer is required to indicate the exact person at the home office who should be informed of these things. If they do not know which person is appropriate, have them browse a printout of the corporate directory so that they can choose. If they can’t decide who to choose, try recommending a mid- to senior-level Marketing person, because they seem likely to care about things like this. Make sure that they initial the box that says, “Due to a high volume of requests, responses may take up to 6 months to get answered. Any requests sent to individuals at Director level or above will be ignored.”

Dress Code Memo, December 2020

Bureaucracy, Corporate, Lists

TO: ALL TEAM MEMBERS

RE: PROFESSIONAL APPEARANCE

In light of recent events, and to clarify the company’s values, please take some time to familiarize yourself with our uniform and dress code policies.

ACCEPTABLE

  • Official t-shirt
  • Pants, shorts, which are in good condition
  • Shoes in good condition
  • Official company masks

UNACCEPTABLE

  • Any attire with political commentary/connotation
  • Ballet- or dance-themed garments such as tutus, leg warmers, shirts with necks cut out, etc.
  • Shoes containing live animals such as goldfish, wasps, or hamsters
  • Excessive glitter
  • Hats capable of holding more than 2 cans of beer
  • Oversize belt buckles promoting trucks/good times
  • Garments promoting levity, charity, kindness, or unfounded assertions about the current quality of life
  • Garments that smell like hamburgers/kielbasa (Soy Chorizo allowed with proof of purchase)
  • Fishing hats worn in non-fishing situations
  • Any Manchester United teamwear, unless a riot permit is obtained in advance
  • Crappy bro-bar shirts from Cabo or Tijuana (permissible during meal breaks if at least 50 feet from store entrance, unless wearing Crocs)
  • Garments soiled by more than ¼ cup of pooled blood on the back, or ½ tablespoon of high velocity splatter total. If evidence is supplied that blood is from non-human origin then store leadership may, at their discretion, waive this restriction and allow the garment to be worn, pending investigation by law enforcement, as long as visible saturation does not exceed more than 75% of the garment.

Important Forms, Part 1

Bureaucracy

Form RG0002: Double-Bag Waiver
Any customer requesting that you only use single bags needs to sign this before bagging ensues. Indemnifies the store and bagger against damaged product claims, injuries caused by broken glass, redistribution of Trek Mix contents, and loss of actual bags. Waives the customer’s right to complain, except for cases of arbitrary dislike of the way the cashier said things, but no compensatory recourse is available.

Form TJ0013: Sauce Down (Red/Non-White)
Customer report of spill. In order to report the spill of any red sauce, customer must first submit this form for approval, which they can obtain from the Bridge. Select the appropriate box for Red, Burgundy, Orange, Brown, Pomegranate, Rustic, Other, or Undetermined sauce color. Make the customer who caused the spill sign the top of Part I. Any customers who witnessed the spill should sign Part II at the bottom, and their affidavits should be stapled to the back. If a spill is caused by a crew member, it is not necessary to file this form, but they are required to stand beside the spill for 15 minutes warning people to be careful not to step in it, while they wait for a cone and mop to be brought to them.

Form RG0006: Request for Carry Out
Have customer indicate whether vehicle is “just right here”, or “just over there.” Make sure they inform you in advance if they plan to lead you over a curb or other impasse. Ask them to check the box if they plan to walk into traffic without bothering to look. If they want you to load the groceries into the car in a way that is blocked by obstacles then they should also attach a Parkour Rider.

Form RG0001: Multi-Order Checkout
Always keep a supply of these forms under the counter, as you will probably need them several times each shift. Circle the appropriate number of orders: 1, 2, 3, or  4+. If it is a single payment order, but bagging needs to be split, indicate by putting a check in the “going to different locations” box. Ask the customer to write the name of each location on the lines provided, along with addresses and phone numbers. If the other parties are not with them, then they should check the “Auth/Not Present” box for that location.