Form PAN0016: Rest Break Only
If a customer wishes to skip the line because they only need to use the restroom, have them read and initial the terms of service and point out that if they do any shopping they will be held vaguely liable for undetermined damages, up to and including refusal to sell any seasonal items to them.

Form RG0266: Loose Change Auth
Waiver of compensation for injury stemming from customer’s insistence to pay $2.66 in coins they claim are randomly distributed within their bag somewhere, while four customers with full carts are waiting behind them. If it is after dark make sure that they check the box which states “I understand that I may be pummeled to death in the parking lot by my fellow shoppers.” If they have questions about this, ring a three bell.

Form TJ0001: Retail Anguish
Acknowledgement that the customer drove one hour to buy the one special thing that has been discontinued without bothering to call ahead to find out if you had it. After they initial the page, make a photocopy of the document and circle their initials with a highlighter, before sending it home with them so they will always have a record of this. Don’t just drop it in their bag. Hand it to them.

Form TJ303: Indication of Hatred
If a customer is very angry with you for things beyond your control that corporate has mandated, then work with them to file this form. Encourage them to write the specific issues in the space provided. Please make sure they indicate their anger level (1–5) and if they feel particularly wronged they can check the box labeled “Indignant”. Take them to a quiet place in the store to discuss the triggers of this anger response, and if the outcome is as bad as they forecasted. Check in again after ten minutes to have the customer rate their anger level, which should be lower after this mindfulness exercise. Let them keep the form, and assign them homework to complete the anger management worksheet on the back side.

Customers are like real people. They experience a range of emotions, including joy, excitement, frustration and anger. When the circumstances are just right, they can experience too many emotions at once, or they might experience feelings that are inappropriately strong for a simple shopping experience. Their bad feelings might start to come out of their mouth, and you will need to address the badness. Here are ways to constructively address these difficult situations.

Situation: Favorite product discontinued. Customer presents with sorrow, frustration, disorientation, weakness.
Talking points: Although the customer may appear weak, do not be fooled. If their frustration turns to anger they are capable of lashing out with their powerful limbs, or using their cart as a ramming weapon. In addition to physical damage, they may also ask to speak to a manager. Deflect attention from the unimaginable lifestyle change that faces them by asking if they have found The Store Mascot. This will likely confuse them, or they may appear irritated, but it is crucial not to waver at this point. Ask if they like stickers. If they say they do, then go get them some stickers. If they say they do not like stickers then tell them how good the current stickers are and that they just need to see them first. Tell them to wait there, then go get stickers. Give stickers to a Mate, asking them to deliver them to the customer because you are helping another customer.

Situation: Customer in line at register walks away from cart, is next in line.
Talking points: If there are other customers behind the customerless cart, they may look to you in a way that suggests they should go next. This is a delicate situation, since the customer wanting to jump ahead is acting reasonably. However, the customer who has walked away is very likely oblivious to anyone else being in the store. We never want to do anything to discourage such behavior. Most customers are quite reasonable though, and they will sympathize with the difficulty you face. So when you tell everyone that you are closing your register they will probably understand.

Situation: Customer appears to be having bad day.
Talking points: If they seem really worn out and sad, try to cheer them up with a wow! customer experience. Offer them a free pineapple or paper towels. If they want the pineapple then they are going to need the paper towels. You should not give both things to them for free, so negotiate with them, “If you buy the paper towels then I’ll give you the pineapple.” In this way, you are not only upselling them, but they will also feel involved in the wowl experience. If you sense the transaction heading in this direction, you should remove your nametag. Also tear off the bottom of the receipt.

Situation: Customer refers to themselves as a famous shopper, known for regularly purchasing the same product during each of their frequent shopping trips, requesting that you get a whole bunch of it from the back.
Talking points: Tell them you’ll look in the back, but make it clear that they are welcome to leave the store at any time if it seems like you are taking too long.