Use these when expressing people’s actions

• My Verbs Are: FESTOON / PREVARICATE
• My Verbs Are: RISK / PANIC
• My Verbs Are: UNDERSTAND / HATE
• My Verbs Are: KAREN / STEVE
• My Verbs Are: RAGE QUIT / RAGE WORK
• My Verbs Are: STOP / MOCK
• My Verbs Are: IMPLY / BLASPHEME
• My Verbs Are: WONDER / FUCK AROUND

Or, how to express things to insure proper understanding of the message

• Sympathy card: Avoid cisgender pronouns unless their mother’s preference is known.
• Note of encouragement from regional manager: When sincere, wording should be short and terse, accompanied by donuts. If insincere, a rhyming cadence with copious exclamation marks is preferred.
• Missing bread: Write accusatory statement in red ink, circle five times, and use twelve exclamation marks.
• Where to store supplies: 1-3 exclamation marks at the end of each sentence (the same for each)
• Signing up for cleaning shift: Any arrival or departure times after midnight or before 4 am should be double underlined.
• Inventory procedures: Question marks strongly discouraged.
• Notes about back stock: Should be formatted like a bulleted list, but without bullets.
• Public notices about continuing worldwide plague, requesting minimal compliance to commonly accepted safety standards: Convey a sense of normalcy by using periods. Notices can be made more calming with the addition of commas.
• Dayforce message from person you have never heard of, asking everyone to do the important things they have already been doing for a while, reiterating that the important things are important: No type of grammar makes this acceptable.
• Name on locker, drawer, cabinet, backpack: Stars and curlicues acceptable.
• Labels for different parts of refrigerator: Bold word “PLEASE” underlined five times, circled, followed by 16 exclamation marks and a smiley face.
• Demo signs: All that’s important is that you write is using neon colors.
• Lettuce Recall sign: Generally speaking, in this situation any additional punctuation will cause fear. Run on sentences okay.
• Presidential thought bubble drawn on bills: Anything goes
• Mate reviews: Nobody reads these anyway so write whatever you want.
• Shopping list: Spice it up by using the past participle tense.
• Qty limit purchases signs: The people who need to see these will ignore them, so they are unnecessary.

Meal etiquette is largely arbitrary, but needlessly important

• Rx Bar: Appropriate for Breakfast, Lunch, Snack, or Dinner
• Smoked Salmon: It doesn’t matter when you eat it, but you better not be in the break room, Chris.
• Japanese Fried Rice: Appropriate for Breakfast, Lunch, or Dinner
• Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough: Appropriate for Snack or Dinner
• Tahini: Unknown use
• Pastry Pups: Inappropriate in all situations due to lack of microwave instructions
• Kimchi: Inappropriate for consumption at register, except for last half-hour of night
• Peppermints: Appropriate for Snack, and to throw at nearby Crew members to get their attention

Just go with it

• My Nouns Are: ULTIMATUM / HYDRANGEA
• My Nouns Are: HAM / SHAMPOO
• My Nouns Are: GIST / FINALE
• My Nouns Are: ATMOSPHERE / PARKING
• My Nouns Are: CAPTAIN / UNHAPPINESS
• My Nouns Are: APRICOT / JUXTAPOSITION
• My Nouns Are: GHOST / MOTIVATION
• My Nouns Are: LUPUS / MANIFESTO
• My Nouns Are: LETHARGY / LIBIDO
• My Nouns Are: HAPPINESS / DEATH
• My Nouns Are: WINE / PRETENSE
• My Nouns Are: OPENING / PENETRATION
• My Nouns Are: THESIS / FAILURE
• My Nouns Are: MUSIC / HELL

File under: Technology Improving Life

• Recover flattened cardboard box from one side of back room, drop near baler
• Listen in on secret conversation in Bridge
• Battle competing Crew drones for command of frozen aisle airspace
• Kill flies with rotors
• Breathtaking panoramic views of snacks aisle
• Capture base jump attempt from top of frozen upright freezer in a way not possible unless you were around 6-feet tall and held your camera over your head.
• Direct customers to shorter lines, or away from Tammy’s line because she’s being a bitch today.
• Broadcast video from parking lot so that Crew can enjoy how nice it is today from afar, and also watch the continual crappy parking attempts by people using the handicap spots.
• Setting return point to bathroom, initiating audio track to play excerpts from Carmina Burana, pushing go, leaving store.
• Attach store mascot to drone. Program it to fly outside and land in dumpster.
• Film amazing natural wonder of environment surrounding store (only applicable for stores located within boundaries of Bryce Canyon or Yellowstone).

Please use these when discussing me

• My Adverbs Are: QUICKLY / SLOPPILY
• My Adverbs Are: SLOWLY / SENSUOUSLY
• My Adverbs Are: SECRETLY / SNEAKILY
• My Adverbs Are: CLEVERLY / USELESSLY
• My Adverbs Are: NERVOUSLY / TWITCHILY
• My Adverbs Are: PERFECTLY / PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY
• My Adverbs Are: SEDUCTIVELY / FRESHLY
• My Adverbs Are: PRECARIOUSLY / DANGEROUSLY

Hopefully stop them from asking something dumb.

• The bells are for nothing.
• Only the damned hear the bells.
• I ring the bell to get help. A child rings the bell to go to hell.
• We do not sell Courvoisier.
• We discontinued it even though it was so good.
• It is so good.
• We have a bathroom.
• That is not a product name.
• We accept AMEX and ApplePay and probably “tap to pay” but you’re only the second person to ever mention it.
• It’s seasonal.
• We have tahini!

Express sentiments without speaking!

• Ask me about lemon juice!
• I don’t know your PIN.
• Only you can choose Credit or Debit.
• No.
• Yes, unless you have a gun, I need to see your ID.
• I am trying to help you.
• Checks are idiot papers full of numbers.
• I too am saddened that it was discontinued.
• Asking nicely is nicer.
• We have forks.
• This is my second job.
• I can reach that.
• I can ring a bell.
• We park at the back.

RANK EACH STATEMENT ACCORDING TO THIS SCALE:

1 = Wow, just wow 
2 = Let’s agree to not discuss this 
3 = Tolerable
4 = Suspiciously competent 
5 = Wow, just wow

TEAMWORK

________ Favors teamwork over working productively
________ Points out weaknesses in the organization to peers, but avoids raising issues with management because it might out members of the underground resistance.
________ Raises important issues to management, but avoids informing Crew because it will be a big hit to morale when nothing is done.
________ Finds ways to “let off steam” without “killing everyone and burning the building down”.
________ Two-bell fiend

WORK HABITS

 ________ Decisively spoils products without needing the computer, permission.
________ Achieves procrastination without expending effort to procrastinate.
________ Understands policy determining when to brush spills under shelf vs. when to sweep them up.
________ Willing to clean fork they use for lunch if necessary before they use it.
________ Goes out of the way to assist fellow Crew to lift heavy bags of produce into the baler.
________ Writes funny things on walls without getting caught.
________ Recognizes that there is a difference between passive aggression and helping an aggressively hostile customer to go fuck themself.
________ Maintains plausible employability.
________ Conforms to dress code when Regional is in the store.
________ Never shies away from dirty jobs such as taking trash out on a beautiful day, despite high risk of overbearing pleasantness.

ABILITIES

________ Able to repeatedly explain to management what a legal accommodation is and why it is legal.
________ Bathroom scum blindness
________ Can recommend any cheese that is not more than 3-ft away.
________ Ability to fluently speak fake French
________ Knows how to use ethylene gas to ripen avocados, make rocket fuel.
________ Can name 5 inappropriate uses for kale.
________ Adept at changing radio station when no one’s in the bridge.
________ Able to single-handedly extend lunch break despite scheduling limitations.
________ Empathy with the damned
________ Gladiolus jousting
________ Proactive thirst quenching
________ Feigning employment
________ THC GPS

ATTITUDE

________ Takes huddles mostly seriously.
________ Usually resists the urge to criticize management near new hires.
________ Staunchly defends implausible claim of satisfactory life despite known retail employment.
________ Doesn’t let body odor ruin a good time.
________ References Taylor Swift rarely, and only in a detached, impersonal way.
________ Describes store as “a great place to work” when speaking with reporters, police.
________ Open to improving attitude as soon as management admits they royally fucked up.
________ Generous with anger.

CUSTOMER ADVOCACY

________ Fierce advocate who does not hesitate to demand customer be given replacement for perfectly fine lettuce.
________ Knowledgeable about which products have dangerous flaws, and keeps quiet about it.
________ Says things to customers out loud that every one of us wants to say but don’t have the guts, resulting in admiration, termination.
________ Always remembers: courtesy despite loathing.
________ Pushes customers to the limit to be their best selves.

MANAGEMENT ONLY

________ Publicly announces new schemes for improving the store while dexterously skirting actual issues.
________ Pleased with self, no matter the outcome.
________ Regularly attempts to not share safe combination or alarm code, or leave door key visible and unattended for more than 3 hours.
________ Draws attention away from own weaknesses through the cunning use of condescension.
________ Can fabricate bullshit rationale as needed to explain why we do a stupid thing a certain stupid way.
________ Says things to customers that every one of us wants to say, but with impunity, resulting in additional job satisfaction.
________ Adept at fluidly swiveling personality between friend, confidant, double-agent, or judge roles as needed.
________ Creates and destroys teams as part of overarching plan of pitting everyone against each other.
________ Open to quitting.

CAPTAIN ONLY

________ Acts Captainy.

Use these when describing people

• My Adjectives Are: OLD / ANNOYING
• My Adjectives Are: PROMISCUOUS / CRAZY
• My Adjectives Are: JANKY / FUCKED UP
• My Adjectives Are: IRRESPONSIBLE / FUN
• My Adjectives Are: SERIOUS / BORING
• My Adjectives Are: CONVENTIONAL / UNCREATIVE
• My Adjectives Are: HARD / WET
• My Adjectives Are: CRUNCHY / GRAINLESS
• My Adjectives Are: LIVID / SUPERLATIVE