…a fortune for every day of the month!

1. The “pop” in pop culture is the sound that occurs when you squeeze a culture zit.
2. Nobody in Europe had mashed potatoes before the 16th century.
3. Reverence is the showing of respect and appreciation for someone who isn’t as great as they used to be.
4. The trouble with risky behavior is not that it is risky, but that it is fun.
5. Thirst can be alleviated faster than hunger.
6. Jambalaya is a needlessly complicated word.
7. In the 2003 case Tacos v. Burritos, SCOTUS ruled in favor of Tacos.
8. Father Junipero Serra was an asshole. Don’t forget it.
9. Catholics: cherry picking their beliefs to avoid ugliness. Lutherans: pretty much good to go.
10. If you find a dollar, do not holler. Pick it up, and then shut up.
11. Sometimes the best you can do is to eat a bowl of ice cream.
12. Chances are you know someone who has tasted their own pee.
13. With your phone, you could call France anytime. So why haven’t you?
14. Your shoes can take you out the door as easily as they took you in the door.
15. Hide the thing you found, or it will be taken from you.
16. Music sung in Spanish is the same as other music, except it uses Spanish emotions.
17. Calling it the “break room” is a misnomer. It should be called the “idiots not shutting up and being super annoying room.”
18. Drugs can’t fix this horrible day, but drugs with sex, loud music, and ice cream might help you forget it.
19. Embrace the void. Management fears the void.
20. Never touch anyone at work where their bathing suit covers. If they are not wearing a bathing suit then use your best judgement.
21. Lowering your standards doesn’t mean you can’t raise them again later.
22. Open carry laws allow chickenshit bullies to openly advertise their weaknesses.
23. Give me your nickels. All of them! I want all your nickels NOW! This is not a robbery! This is a rescue operation!
24. I’m sorry if I annoy you. No, wait, that doesn’t sound right. What I meant to say was, I don’t care if I annoy you.
25. Stop kidding around. Facial tissue is for boogers.
26. Soap does not need to smell.
27. Everything in trucks is either heavy or large. Think about it. EVERYTHING.
28. If you could choose any one thing to throw as far as possible in the parking lot, would it be something liquid?
29. Solvents solve problems, but they usually smell bad, so that’s a new problem. It is impossible to solve problems.
30. Typing is no different than cuneiform writing, except the Akkadian’s didn’t know you needed to email Roger about the marketing proposal. So now you’ve got to type it out. Thanks Akkadians!

Also known as the Fear/Desire scale

• Proper: “I understand you are upset about me asking to see your ID. Would you like me to call my manager over so you can get their alternative take on state law?”
• Improper: “If you get pulled over, what do you tell the cop? Sorry, I didn’t bring my license with me because I knew I was going to be buying alcohol.”
• More Improper: “Fuck you. Get out. Never come to my line ever again…TWO BELL…GET THIS SHIT OUT OF MY SIGHT AND PUT IT BACK ON THE SHELF!”
  
• Proper: “I am sorry your check was declined. Please read this condescending informational card that doesn’t explain why.”
• Improper: “Those MICR numbers are FAKE and you probably don’t even HAVE a bank account!”
• More Improper: “I am sorry your check was declined. Please read this condescending informational card that doesn’t explain why.”
  
• Proper: “Yes I do work here. How may I help you?”
• Improper: “No. I have a maple syrup fetish.”
• More Improper: “Who are you? A customer?”
  
• Proper: “Thank you, yes, I do need off reg.”
• Improper: “Oh thank God! I’ve got to piss!”
• More Improper: “Oh thank God! Finish this transaction before I punch this lady!”

Go forth with strength!

• Clean up pile of blood.
• Find the Chili Pickle Chicken Poppers.
• Apply a fingertip bandage to a peer.
• Name all songs played on the Eighties station today.
• Remember your register password.
• Create an acceptable register password.
• Clock in after lunch.
• Remember code for bananas.
• Keep a civil tone while listening to customer complain about how far away the store is from where they live, which it turns out is the same area you live in.

Why did you even care to begin with?

• Nobody else seems to care
• Tried not caring for a day, it felt good and nobody complained
• Sian doesn’t give a shit and they promoted her to Mate after only a month
• Caring is too risky
• You proposed a way to train new hires and they shot it down so fuck them
• Mate just shared a secret with you, but it’s fucking stupid so it’s not worth waiting for anything better
• Dua Lipa has still not replied to DM
• You don’t know your accusers and are unable to question them directly
• Nothing you do really matters
• Season four of Broccoli Wars cancelled

DESCRIBE ME WITH GUSTO!

• My Exclamations Are: Wow! / Whoa!
• My Exclamations Are: Jesus! / Christ!
• My Exclamations Are: Seriously?! / Really?!
• My Exclamations Are: Damn! / Grrrwwgffff!
• My Exclamations Are: Blessed Be! / I am from Missouri!
• My Exclamations Are: Fuck! / Shit!
• My Exclamations Are: Darn! / Whoops!

A handy explanation you won’t find on the company computer

• “Coming Soon” means that Jimmy in Pasadena has had two phone calls with a salesman at Super Food Custom Brands about a thing, and they’ve reached an agreement in principle, but legal hasn’t signed off so it may never happen.
• “New” means what the hell were they thinking making Tangy Tomato Toaster Pastries?
• “Case Limit” means only old people who wake up at 5 am are able to buy it.
• “Seasonal” means…well we don’t know what it means, but we can’t be bothered to figure out a different word.
• “Regional” means Kansas City gets it, but not you, ha ha ha ha ha!
• “TOS” means the Mates forgot to write the order.
• “In Search Of New Supplier” means oh YEAH?! Well we don’t NEED you! We can make OUR OWN mashed potatoes!
• “Discontinued” means we want you to feel bad for not hoarding, and think twice before not hoarding the next thing you like.

Please use these when discussing me

• My Prepositions Are: BENEATH / BEHIND
• My Prepositions Are: ON / OFF
• My Prepositions Are: INTO / WITHIN
• My Prepositions Are: DOWN / ABOARD
• My Prepositions Are: TOWARD / BETWEEN
• My Prepositions Are: UPON / ABOVE

While supplies last!

• Felted Potato Set (Red, Gold, Russet)
• Balsamic Moisturizer
• Vegan Blood Sausage
• Pineapple Yogurt with Cubed Ham Bits
• Dried Romaine Chips
• Sriracha Tofu Chips
• Cat Poop Dog Treats
• Ultra Extreme Soft Single Roll Bath Tissue
• Charlee Bear Scented Candle
• Savory Hummus-Filled Joe Joe’s
• Garbanzo and Chickpea Salad
• Tahini Pancake Syrup
• Polenta Crisps
• Peri Peri Smoothie Cubes
• Bane Flakes
• Corn II: The Cornsplosion
• French Fry Frenzy
• Little Marshmallows All the Time
• Garlic with Eggplant and Red Pepper Spread
• Cinnamon Suffocation Blankets
• Chocolate Enrobed Quality Rocks and Glass Hold
• Shampoo With Cleansing Stones
• Olive Wood Dryer Balls
• Belgian Moisturizing Facial Cheese
• Reusable Waxed Bath Tissue
• Habanero Foaming Hand Soap
• Unexpected Peppermint Cheddar
• Bourbon Barrel Aged Okra Ale
• Kale Ale
• Clump of Sticky Pine Nuts Enrobed in White Chocolate
• Shift Flakes
  

Everybody’s dream is to do what they love and get paid for it, although the path to that is not always clear. Use this guide to help you identify steps you can take to get to your dream job.

• If you sincerely enjoy empowering and guiding employees to meet their goals, then there probably isn’t any rewarding job out there for you.
• Do you enjoy politics and alternate reality scenarios where you get to do what you want even though it isn’t  fair? Try upper management.
• Do you have impeccable attention to detail and a thirst for revenge? Although not a posted position, you could be successful as a Crew Saboteur.
• If you enjoy playing around with the “big picture” and not getting involved with trivial details such as the impact of your actions on people’s “feelings,” then being a Regional Manager would suit your temperament well.
• Do you absolutely relish every opportunity to misrepresent failures as victories, and don’t have an honest bone in your body? Then have we got a world-class opportunity for you! Something in Public Relations!
• If you ever wake up and think “I would sure like to spend the day doing fuck all on my horse ranch in the Loire Valley,” then being a CEO might be the right choice.
• If you feel enriched when you quit a job to switch to a new job that is basically the same with the same wage but better hours, then any entry level job will satisfy you.
• Do you usually wake up without an alarm, drink a cup of good coffee, put your shoes on, head to your garage, pet your donkey and feed it some hay, then jump on and ride him to work, going straight through the front doors and into the break room, where you dismount, tie Stephan to the coffee machine, and proceed to go clock in? Damn, it don’t get any better than that.