…a fortune for every day of the month!

1. The “pop” in pop culture is the sound that occurs when you squeeze a culture zit.
2. Nobody in Europe had mashed potatoes before the 16th century.
3. Reverence is the showing of respect and appreciation for someone who isn’t as great as they used to be.
4. The trouble with risky behavior is not that it is risky, but that it is fun.
5. Thirst can be alleviated faster than hunger.
6. Jambalaya is a needlessly complicated word.
7. In the 2003 case Tacos v. Burritos, SCOTUS ruled in favor of Tacos.
8. Father Junipero Serra was an asshole. Don’t forget it.
9. Catholics: cherry picking their beliefs to avoid ugliness. Lutherans: pretty much good to go.
10. If you find a dollar, do not holler. Pick it up, and then shut up.
11. Sometimes the best you can do is to eat a bowl of ice cream.
12. Chances are you know someone who has tasted their own pee.
13. With your phone, you could call France anytime. So why haven’t you?
14. Your shoes can take you out the door as easily as they took you in the door.
15. Hide the thing you found, or it will be taken from you.
16. Music sung in Spanish is the same as other music, except it uses Spanish emotions.
17. Calling it the “break room” is a misnomer. It should be called the “idiots not shutting up and being super annoying room.”
18. Drugs can’t fix this horrible day, but drugs with sex, loud music, and ice cream might help you forget it.
19. Embrace the void. Management fears the void.
20. Never touch anyone at work where their bathing suit covers. If they are not wearing a bathing suit then use your best judgement.
21. Lowering your standards doesn’t mean you can’t raise them again later.
22. Open carry laws allow chickenshit bullies to openly advertise their weaknesses.
23. Give me your nickels. All of them! I want all your nickels NOW! This is not a robbery! This is a rescue operation!
24. I’m sorry if I annoy you. No, wait, that doesn’t sound right. What I meant to say was, I don’t care if I annoy you.
25. Stop kidding around. Facial tissue is for boogers.
26. Soap does not need to smell.
27. Everything in trucks is either heavy or large. Think about it. EVERYTHING.
28. If you could choose any one thing to throw as far as possible in the parking lot, would it be something liquid?
29. Solvents solve problems, but they usually smell bad, so that’s a new problem. It is impossible to solve problems.
30. Typing is no different than cuneiform writing, except the Akkadian’s didn’t know you needed to email Roger about the marketing proposal. So now you’ve got to type it out. Thanks Akkadians!