RANK EACH STATEMENT ACCORDING TO THIS SCALE:

1 = Wow, just wow 
2 = Let’s agree to not discuss this 
3 = Tolerable
4 = Suspiciously competent 
5 = Wow, just wow

TEAMWORK

________ Favors teamwork over working productively
________ Points out weaknesses in the organization to peers, but avoids raising issues with management because it might out members of the underground resistance.
________ Raises important issues to management, but avoids informing Crew because it will be a big hit to morale when nothing is done.
________ Finds ways to “let off steam” without “killing everyone and burning the building down”.
________ Two-bell fiend

WORK HABITS

 ________ Decisively spoils products without needing the computer, permission.
________ Achieves procrastination without expending effort to procrastinate.
________ Understands policy determining when to brush spills under shelf vs. when to sweep them up.
________ Willing to clean fork they use for lunch if necessary before they use it.
________ Goes out of the way to assist fellow Crew to lift heavy bags of produce into the baler.
________ Writes funny things on walls without getting caught.
________ Recognizes that there is a difference between passive aggression and helping an aggressively hostile customer to go fuck themself.
________ Maintains plausible employability.
________ Conforms to dress code when Regional is in the store.
________ Never shies away from dirty jobs such as taking trash out on a beautiful day, despite high risk of overbearing pleasantness.

ABILITIES

________ Able to repeatedly explain to management what a legal accommodation is and why it is legal.
________ Bathroom scum blindness
________ Can recommend any cheese that is not more than 3-ft away.
________ Ability to fluently speak fake French
________ Knows how to use ethylene gas to ripen avocados, make rocket fuel.
________ Can name 5 inappropriate uses for kale.
________ Adept at changing radio station when no one’s in the bridge.
________ Able to single-handedly extend lunch break despite scheduling limitations.
________ Empathy with the damned
________ Gladiolus jousting
________ Proactive thirst quenching
________ Feigning employment
________ THC GPS

ATTITUDE

________ Takes huddles mostly seriously.
________ Usually resists the urge to criticize management near new hires.
________ Staunchly defends implausible claim of satisfactory life despite known retail employment.
________ Doesn’t let body odor ruin a good time.
________ References Taylor Swift rarely, and only in a detached, impersonal way.
________ Describes store as “a great place to work” when speaking with reporters, police.
________ Open to improving attitude as soon as management admits they royally fucked up.
________ Generous with anger.

CUSTOMER ADVOCACY

________ Fierce advocate who does not hesitate to demand customer be given replacement for perfectly fine lettuce.
________ Knowledgeable about which products have dangerous flaws, and keeps quiet about it.
________ Says things to customers out loud that every one of us wants to say but don’t have the guts, resulting in admiration, termination.
________ Always remembers: courtesy despite loathing.
________ Pushes customers to the limit to be their best selves.

MANAGEMENT ONLY

________ Publicly announces new schemes for improving the store while dexterously skirting actual issues.
________ Pleased with self, no matter the outcome.
________ Regularly attempts to not share safe combination or alarm code, or leave door key visible and unattended for more than 3 hours.
________ Draws attention away from own weaknesses through the cunning use of condescension.
________ Can fabricate bullshit rationale as needed to explain why we do a stupid thing a certain stupid way.
________ Says things to customers that every one of us wants to say, but with impunity, resulting in additional job satisfaction.
________ Adept at fluidly swiveling personality between friend, confidant, double-agent, or judge roles as needed.
________ Creates and destroys teams as part of overarching plan of pitting everyone against each other.
________ Open to quitting.

CAPTAIN ONLY

________ Acts Captainy.