…a fortune for every day of the month!

1. No matter where the bags are hung, they won’t find them until it’s too late.
2. Kalanchoe: the pretty little flower with the name of a vengeful Hindu warrior-god
3. Nobody knows what a Grump Tree looks like when it’s grown up.
4. Wine boxes: possibly available.
5. Working today makes tomorrow better than if you worked tomorrow and not today.
6. An abandoned steak thawing on a shelf of chips is not how things were supposed to end.
7. Understanding the situation at the warehouse based on what they send on the truck is like trying to understand the life of an estranged friend solely based on a vacation postcard.
8. It is worth noting that the store was open for several hours before selling out of frozen peas.
9. Ask yourself this: If you could put a raccoon anywhere in the store, where would you put it first? Would you do it when the store was open or closed? You need to think these things through for the plan to succeed.
10. Water on the floor could have many causes, but toothpaste on the floor is delightfully baffling.
11. Name a place where onion skins have not been found.
12. Playing accordion outside encourages people to come inside. Playing accordion music inside encourages customers to leave.
13. The ratio of carts outside vs. inside the store is inversely related to how much the Crew is tired of feeling panicked.
14. The nut mix that was seasonal, what was its exact name? QIL wants to know.
15. The middle of a box is never an appropriate location for a bar code. Stacie, packaging designer in Monrovia: I’m looking at you.
16. The Captain decides where to put the greeting cards. The Captain is Keeper of the Sentiments.
17. Dear Naan, Please let us know if you are sold out before we come to the store. Thanks, The Customers
18. If you run out of time, just skip the order.
19. Report: Yogurt dead on floor, nobody cares.
20. Finding where the product SHOULD BE has value, even if the product is not there.
21. The carts are calling you, singing their ugly parking lot song
22. Checking the computer will yield the same result.
23. Show respect by removing your hat when discussing Everything But the Bagel seasoning.
24. The best surprise you’ll have in the next two weeks: direct deposit
25. Although you hate Christmas music, you would hate ukulele music much more, so be careful how you frame your criticism.
26. A customer can easily enter the back room if the doors are not barricaded.
27. Sexual, religious, and political comments are not appropriate at work unless you are drunk, in which case you’re already going to be fired, so go ahead and speak your mind.
28. Integrity means admitting that you are not gluten intolerant.
29. Speak the truth about the Ginger + Lemon Sparkling Apple Cider Vinegar Beverage, or say nothing at all.
30. The ends of the aisles causes more anxiety than the middle. Once you’re in the middle you’ve got a ticket to ride.