…a fortune for every day of the month!

1. Shopping on lunch: difficult. Shopping after the store has closed: more difficult.
2. Talking to your friends at work is not a good idea, but you can’t put your life on hold for some dude in a Hawaiian shirt.
3. People daydream about what music they would play in the store if they could. If you could choose the music, you would definitely be fired.
4. Always defend the perimeter. It is the first line of defense to protect important interior items like Everything But the Bagel seasoning. If the perimeter is breeched, then the freedom to properly season your avocado toast may be lost! Crackers is your fallback position.
5. A man is taller than a register, but a man does not have built-in lasers. But a man can purchase an add-on laser kit if he needs it. There is not, and must never be, an add-on legs kit for a register.
6. People seem taller when they are in the Bridge, but all of us stand on the same floor. It’s kind of weird.
7. Cards come in various categories, but there are no mean or angry cards. Angry people must express their sentiments in their own words using Blank cards.
8. When a customer attempts to buy a vegan product, be sure to ask to see their Vegan Identification Certificate to make sure they are not purchasing a product that is the birthright of someone else. You’ll both know it’s a dumb joke, but still, if they resist ring a three-bell.
9. Perhaps the Quick Item Lookup is intentionally slow, allowing you a moment’s rest before returning to the customer with the news they most feared.
10. Don’t neglect the fennel, because somebody will ask about it.
11. Although made of wood, the Bridge is not a literal bridge. It is a conceptual bridge between the people getting money and the people spending money.
12. Every day the baler destroys a hundred possible forts. The baler is philosophically opposed to architecture.
13. The back room is never big enough, and neither is the store, and neither is the break room. Quiet your mind. Today will pass.
14. If they can hold it in one hand, they will hardly notice they are buying it. – Impulse Item Motto
15. A trashcan should not be a fire pit. But if it’s not hurting anything else then there’s no need to get super pedantic about it.
16. The store is the brand, but the brand is TOS.
17. Dukkah: The nuts-on-bread solution!
18. The Dried Bananas team has figured out another type! Get Dan on the phone!
19. Today’s customers want gluten-free soy products with added omega-3s, sold by Crew so charming that they might be expected to be wearing pinstriped vests and bowties. This is why you were hired. Sorry if that wasn’t clear.
20. The Crew: keeping you safe by enduring crazed rants from unmasked customers since 2020
21. Could eucalyptus soap do a better job of disseminating eucalyptus scent than putting actual eucalyptus in your shower?
22. The Filler plant takes many beautiful forms.
23. The rain is coming. Prepare the yellow cones.
24. Water is shiny, but heavy.
25. Although thieves may eat strawberries in the bathroom without paying for them, rest assured they likely can’t eat the New York Strip Steak before leaving the store. They’ll put that one down their pants.
26. Organic or regular, bananas are chosen by color.
27. Brown, red, and gold potatoes have codes, yet green potatoes have no code.
28. Consider how many products are used for making tacos. Consider it over a margarita, and make a shopping list.
29. Pallet wrap solves a transportation problem.
30. Clipboards usually hold bad news.
31. The chocolate bar you seek is unclear.