Benefits of Both Retail Work and Army Enlistment

• Opportunities for advancement
• Have strangers tritely refer to you as a hero
• Learn how to remain calm while someone is yelling at you
• No pressure to possess or express personal opinions
• Subtle passive aggression tolerated
• Free name tags
• Safety training
• Work under cover of darkness

Advantages of Joining the Army

• Leaders are more experienced than you are
• Solve problems with mortars
• Subsidized uniforms
• Lifetime discounts at stores nationwide
• Performance based on measurable performance
• Free healthcare
• Chance to use cool terms like “mission critical” and “rendezvous”
• Weekends off
• Safety training taken seriously

Advantages of Working Retail

• Malfunctioning equipment probably won’t kill you
• Can theoretically negotiate pay when taking job
• Relaxed haircut guidelines
• Multiple lunch options
• Motivational posters in break room
• Music while you work
• Salary not limited by that of US President
• Theoretically possible annual bonus
• Can quit if things get too bad