…a fortune for every day of the month!

1. Give a man a nut and he will be confused. But teach him to hate the nut, and he will crush it, possibly making some kind of interesting new butter.
2. Wisdom may be gained at the register, but be careful, it can also be lost.
3. Those who climb ladders will always come down, but those who are tall never do.
4. Every section contains something that smells weird.
5. The weekend may be busy, but you can be slow in your mind.
6. Rice grains on the counter are a warning.
7. They will check the breakroom. They will check the Bridge. They will check the closet. They may even check The Box. But they cannot check the bathroom. The bathroom is the perfect hiding place. But you will still get in trouble.
8. Anger caused by observing poor driving is fleeting. But anger caused by observing poor parking will endure as long as you can see the parked car.
9. If all the seasonal products were kept in one place how would anyone know, since it would be empty?
10. Gluten free, kosher, vegan: but no list for products that are none of these? Products that are inaccessible to all those groups, like the Organic Caesar Salad Kit, and probable future products such as the Pulled Pork and Shishito Pepper IPA (7.6% ABV).
11. A cookie is either round or rectangular, or it is shaped like a thing. There are no triangular cookies.
12. Some customers buy drinks containing vinegar. There is no way to stop them. You just have to watch it happen.
13. Even the widest aisle can be blocked by a single oblivious person.
14. A product that sells poorly from its shelf disappoints the Section Leader. A product that sells poorly from a register display disappoints everyone.
15. A dull blade is dangerous. A dull wit is embarrassing.
16. We honor canned corn by celebrating its contribution to a mythic corporate identity, yet fresh corn on the cob receives no such fanfare. A cultural reckoning is long overdue.
17. Sometimes an unhappy customer can be bribed into happiness. Rarely can they be bribed to leave.
18. A stack of wine is a temptation for a customer, or gravity, to try one.
19. The secret tahini location may never be found.
20. Popular Orange-Looking Easy Non-Taco Alternative
21. Mules cannot make honey. And bees cannot make mule eggs.
22. Your flat of diced tomatoes is not a trip hazard if you are with it. Always be with your diced tomatoes. Never leave them.
23. The emergency exit screams when opened, like a child who doesn’t get what it wants. The emergency exit needs to take a timeout to think about how it’s acting.
24. Secret taco recipe: Instead of using taco ingredients from other stores, use taco ingredients from Trader Joe’s…BAM! Tacos from Trader Joe’s on Instagram!
25. Try to remember the last time you heard Huey Lewis and the News outside of the store?
26. Nobody said the Joe Life was going to be easy, but also, nobody ever calls it that either.
27. Some people are sad that they missed the one week when Candy Cane Joe Joe’s were available. That is because they believe in temporal existence.
28. If a customer claims to be having a fantastic day, it’s okay to stop talking to them.
29. If you find flowers underneath all the groceries in the cart, this customer may have undiagnosed dopamine issues. Avoid initiating discussions about neural architecture or Pai Gow Poker.
30. Standard protocol for ringing up a cart that a child is sitting in, covered by groceries, should involve giving the child a shot of No Joke Ginger to drink. But unfortunately it does not.
31. If your grandmother says she’s sending you $10 for your birthday, but when you open the card there’s no money inside, you probably won’t say anything because she’s your grandmother. But if your warehouse says they are sending you ten cases of Triple Ginger Cookies, but when you open the palette there’s no cookies inside, then you’re definitely going to say something because that’s hundreds of dollars and what are you supposed to put on the display now! Way More Chocolate Chips Cookies? Those were a zero ship too. Bastards.