Fear of Unbalanced Palettes
Only suckers cut the shrink wrap off a listing palette. If you see it leaning because a flotilla of Sour Scandinavian Swimmers cases is crushing a regretful box of Quinoa Black Bean chips like an exhausted lover slumped over a bored third date, be careful. Just like date night, you are right to be cautious. Just as lust escalated the evening from burgers to bed, your passion to cut can lead to even greater calamity. Don’t rush things, but also don’t run away. This fucked up palette may be the perfect remedy to a boring night. Be patient! Start slow. Little cuts. Tease away the wrapper little by little, pulling out the treasure it hides. The palette calls the shots; don’t go faster than it is comfortable with. When you’re done, go into the bathroom and text your friend, lying about how exciting it was.

Fear of Zamboni Inertia
The thing you call a “Zamboni” isn’t really a Zamboni, but it is surprisingly cumbersome. Speeding through the store can be fun, but due to its inertia it can be unexpectedly difficult to maneuver. Remember, you do not need to fear the Zamboni’s poor cornering if you don’t bother to turn. Ramming into fixtures and customers can be a rewarding way to break things, provoke lawsuits, and end your career at the store without the hassle of needing to craft a letter of resignation. To get the most out of your experience, try glancing off objects to maintain momentum until you are ready for the final crescendo of ramming a wine display while customers scream in terror and your crewmates cheer you on.

Fear of Having to Work With Carl
You work with many nice people, or at least a few that you enjoy. If you do not enjoy working with anyone, and you are not an indentured servant, then you should get a new job as soon as possible. You don’t have to update your resume in a panic during your lunch break, but maybe after you get home today. It’s important. Your health is worth more than working with a bunch of dumb stinging caterpillars who say dumb shit and act unfriendly. Let a bird eat them. You don’t need to be there to watch. But sometimes you may work with someone who is actually a nice person, but they are so nice that they seem to float above the ground, never quite understanding what is going on. They may laugh at things, but never at the right time. They may ask philosophical questions that a ten-year-old could answer in depth.  Worst of all, they will say all this stupid shit right in front of customers, not only undermining all your friendly banter, but turning it into actual insults somehow. And you can’t do anything! You are helpless to stop them from not only ruining the customer’s fun, but also your fun. And there is not enough fun. Please, dear God, everything is not fun enough in life, please do not let me have to work with Carl!

Fear of The Armed Forces
You didn’t really have a plan, but your parents were going to make you move out. It was looking like you’d need to join the Army, if they’d take you, but you wanted to reduce the amount of getting yelled at in your life. The possibility was approaching terrifyingly fast, and if the Army wouldn’t take you then you’ve have to go into the Navy. That would mean being on a boat for months at a time, with the only possible escape being to jump overboard, and they’d probably just rescue you and you’d be in a lot of trouble. Yelling, trouble, lifting heavy stuff, uncomfortable shoes, live grenades: it was all incredibly anxiety provoking. The answer was to work at a grocery store, which avoided everything but the heavy lifting. Plus the food was way better. After a couple years though it may start to seem monotonous. You may get gnocchi fatigue, and find yourself longing for a job working with live grenades. So maybe don’t burn your bridge with the jarheads down at the recruiting office. Is that even possible? Won’t they take anyone willing to open their door? Anyway, play it cool okay? You never know when you may change your mind.