Category: Number of consecutive weeks not reading the Bulletin
Record: 32
Champion’s quote: “I could have gone even longer, but I saw a memo on the board that looked important, and when I read it I discovered that it was a page from the Bulletin. It wasn’t really fair. Someone at the home office snuck actual useful information into the Bulletin just to trip me up. I’m still really proud of my achievement, but I know I can do better. I’m never going in the break room again. It’s too risky.”

Category: Most Sarahs working at a single store
Record: 11
Champion’s quote: “I just follow the standard hiring guidelines. I’m not trying to do this. What was going on in this town 25 years ago that everyone named their daughters Sarah?”

Category: Most number of children simultaneously tipping over a cart
Record: 4 (two standing inside, one on the side, one on the back)
Champion’s quote: “I’m a mom, not some kind of aerospace engineer who understands how a center of gravity works! And with a busy schedule like mine, who has time for discipline?”

Category: Longest time spent in restroom while scheduled on reg, not due to medical emergency
Record: 58 minutes
Champion’s quote: “I had some stuff to deal with.”

Category: Largest sweet potato
Record: Size of elephant penis
Champion’s quote: “It was fucking huge.”

Category: Most out of date item found by Crew
Record: Volpi Roltini at back of shelf, 8 months expired
Champion’s quote: “This is exciting. I have something to tell my friends who weren’t working today. I set it aside to show them, but somebody threw it away.”

Category: Most probing question asked before issuing a refund
Record: “Do you want that on your card, or cash?”
Champion’s quote: “Usually I just give them cash without asking.”

Category: Amount of desire felt by cookie candy Section Leader to share remaining Panettone and get it off shelf
Record: A lot of desire
Champion’s quote: “Why did they bring this back again?”

Category: Most bullshit thing ever requested by customer
Record: Sparkling White Merlot
Champion’s quote: “Yes, she really asked for that. If she was just fucking with me then kudos to her, but she seemed sincere.”

Category: Most commonly referenced person that purchased long-discontinued thing just last week
Record: My sister (Special runner up mention: My aunt)
Champion’s quote: “She said I got it there? I got that at Costco. Why would she say I got it at Trader Joe’s? I only get wine there.”

Category: Least common reason for getting fired
Record: Making unwanted sexual advances towards Captain
Champion’s quote: “This is bullshit! He’s just scared to admit this was about how I faced the Roasted Plantain Chips!”

Category: Most impressive pointless feature of the Organic SHAW wine
Record: Helix cork
Champion’s quote: “At first I thought it was just like any regular cork, but then I found out it was ‘Helix.’ I looked at it for a long time and couldn’t tell the difference. My dad wasn’t impressed either. I was disappointed I’d spent the extra dollar.”