Keeping a positive attitude is the greatest challenge facing mankind. No more so than in the grocery stores of America, where crappy attitudes can easily plunge below zero to freeze on surfaces and then need to be chiseled off using powerful adjustment tools, like whiskey, or sarcasm.

In an ideal world, lines would be…
A. Even more ideal
B. More sexy, but not creepy
C. Unnecessary, because the ones with guns would prevail! Oh, wait, you said IDEAL? I thought you said post-apocalyptic.
D. Reserved exclusively for people who complain about lines.

What would you recommend a first-time customer start hoarding…
A. Napkins, because they can work as either paper towels or bath tissue and there’s always tons on the shelf because nobody thinks of this.
B. Cookie Butter (both crunchy and smooth because you don’t know which you will need)
C. Reusable bags full of Chomps
D. Whatever got plussed out last night

A good way to handle crowded aisles would be…
A. Install a crowd reduction mechanism, such as hot lava on the floor.
B. Some kind of conveyor belt system that keeps everyone moving at a steady pace and having a miserable time
C. Just give everyone an Everything But The Bagel right as they walk in so they don’t have to all swarm the grocery aisle like it’s the Hajj or something.
D. Even more aisles!

Customers confidently requesting items that don’t exist…
A. Should be subjected to your methodically unenthusiastic assistance.
B. Cause strife in your relationship. Why do they do that? Can’t they see they are hurting both of you?
C. Are very much aware that this is the only store where somebody will at least try to help them.
D. Pay your rent, so yeah, there’s that.

The music on the store radio…
A. Makes you feel edgy and irritable, but also productive, so it’s a lose-win
B. Is part of a psychological experiment, kind of like that Stanford prison thing, but this one is with Mates, and registers, and Phil Collins
C. Is fine. It’s FINE! THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH KATY PERRY!
D. Is chosen by people who do not have emotional responses to music

The parking lot is…
A. Freedom
B. A good place to get away from the hectic excitement of the store, and feel uncomfortably hot or cold during lunch
C. A museum of red paint scuffs on car doors
D. Shared by many, owned by none.

The one strange thing on the grocery list you found…
A. Ketchup Cubes
B. Blue Curaçao Joe Joe’s
C. Sparkling Balsamic Vinegar
D. Instant Cheese

A cut and a grumpy day can be fixed with…
A. Good old-fashioned love and White Cheddar Corn Puffs
B. Midnight Moo applied directly to wound
C. Petty complaining about co-workers’ minor shortcomings
D. One of those huge bandages in the first aid kit and a bunch of antiseptic gel. I mean maybe not, but this is your chance to find out how big those bandages are.

The happy funny customer in your line…
A. Could be the tipping point between a good afternoon or digging through your backpack looking for the pills left over from your root canal.
B. Deserves a free fruit leather.
C. Seems genuine. I’ve heard about these people, but I never believed the stories.
D. Is probably undercover.