Situation: Shopping cart left outside corral in parking lot.
Talking points: Nobody is near, so nobody can hear you. Try mumbling under your breath. Assert that this kind of bullshit never happens in Canada. Then reflect on the fact that this kind of bullshit happens constantly as a part of daily shopping life in many parts of the country, and people seem to deal with it just fine. Consider your privilege. That said, enjoy a little time to yourself as you calm down. Have a smoke or whatever. Just chill, man.

Situation: Shopping cart left at register after purchase while customer walks away.
Talking points: If you have already given notice and it is your last day working at the store, you should yell after them as they walk away, “Oh, that’s fine I’ll take your cart out of the store since you are too lazy and stupid to know that our Cart Vaporizer is broken and it doesn’t just disappear when you leave it behind! That is 100% not a problem!” If it is NOT your last day, then make eye contact with a coworker instead, and send silent telepathic hate vibrations for them to empathize with.

Situation: Customer searching for product recommended by friend.
Talking points: What type of thing is it? Is it crunchy? What color is it? Do you have a photo? Can you start a video call with your friend? Ask manager if you can take a lengthy break to slowly meander through the store showing customer’s friend every organic product until they remember they got it at Costco. When they gush thanks for all your help, stare them in the eyes for a full second of silence. Do not blink. Tell them it was no trouble at all, and you were happy to help them out. It is important to never blink. They may reply in some way. Keep staring, not blinking. Do not move. Keep your unblinking stare focused on them. Imagine they are a Hobbit and you are the eye of Sauron, never blinking, always projecting hate. Continue until they walk out of sight.

Situation: Customer lets you know that several limes on shelf are bad.
Talking point: Thank them for the incredibly vague information, making it clear that they have been extremely helpful. No further action needed. The morning crew will find the limes if they are bad. They do that, right? The morning crew looks for those things? Consider adding a huddle note.

Next up: Date codes