We would like to remind you to stay informed about local, state, and federal recommendations regarding COVID-19, which contradict each other and which we are unable to enforce due to a lack of support from local, state, and federal governments. It is everyone’s responsibility to stay safe, although contemplating how to best achieve that will cast you into a bottomless chasm of anxiety and despair, where the darkness is as thick as mud under the park swings, and hopelessness is your only reliable emotion.

1. Are you awaiting the results of a COVID-19 test, or have you been to the Post Office lately?
2. Do you live with anyone? Have they complained about your cooking in the last two weeks? Have they left a bunch of dirty dishes in the sink or refused to do their part in taking out the trash or recycling? Why haven’t you moved or killed them while they slept? We understand, it’s complicated.
3. Have you experienced any of the following symptoms consistent with COVID-19:
   • Mask fury?
     
   • Trouble caring or empathizing?
     
   • Loss of responsible decisions?
     
   • Repeated poor decisions with denial?
     
   • Successfully resisting the overwhelming and reasonable urge to scream when sighting someone wearing a “Life Is Good” shirt?
     
   • Other bad stuff that would be bad?