- Are you on the correct register?
a. Yes, you’re facing the door
b. Yes, you’re facing the Bridge
c. Yes…wait…what time is it?
d. No, you are supposed to be on lunch - Why would you choose to be a Mate?
a. Exemption from wearing yellow cleaning suit
b. Financial freedom, early retirement, world travel
c. Exclusive, mandatory parties
d. Laser gun - When discovering a broken egg, you…
a. Carefully remove egg and discard it, fill empty space with sand of approximately same weight, return to shelf
b. Ignore - You are most frustrated by boxes that are…
a. Incorrectly labeled with a marker
b. Incorrectly labeled with a license plate sticker
c. Open on the bottom
d. Leaking sauce from the bottom - When helping with a spill, you prefer to be…
a. The broom person
b. The mop person
c. The Zamboni person
d. Decline to answer - When deciding where to put your lunch in the fridge, you choose…
a. The top shelf, because you deserve the best
b. The middle shelf, because you’re a reasonable person
c. The bottom shelf, because you don’t care, but at least it’s not in a drawer
d. To eat your lunch right now, because there’s nowhere to put it - When scheduled at the front door, you prefer to…
a. Clean carts
b. Count people
c. Count sheep
d. Helplessly watch the maskless person way back in the line inching forward, hoping your shift will end before they get to you - Your favorite kind of music to listen to while working:
a. Huey Lewis, Phil Collins, total crap
b. DJ Captain Classic Rock
c. Traditional Estonian folk songs in the key of E#-minor
d. Country, unless recordings of trains derailing available - When assigned to clean the store, what do you prefer to clean?
a. Coins, small bills
b. Something outside, if it’s sunny
c. Freezer rails, bells, other already clean things
d. Whatever is nearest customers needing help finding something - What do you think causes those light green spots under the toilets?
a. Light green gas seeping up from the foundation
b. Porcelain radiation
c. Mop inaccessibility
d. Optical illusion - When seeing two customers embracing in the store, you think…
a. “Why don’t they ever hug me?”
b. “That’s inappropriate. They should go into the bathroom to hug.”
c. “They’re blocking the aisle.”
d. “I wonder if they met on Tjinder.” - You regard freezer ice as…
a. An obstacle to wall proximity
b. One of the most crucial issues that nobody needs to care about
c. Hey cool, free ice
d. Wight poop - The floors are red because…
a. Too much blood has been spilled
b. Not enough vinegar has been spilled - When the line out front is long, you feel…
a. Sorry for the customers, because we’re out of Cauliflower Gnocchi and they don’t even know it
b. Sorry for the customers, because they’re all stuck behind a family of seven at the front of the line
c. Sorry for the customers, because they’ve endured such inhumane hardship, and the same country music is also playing inside
d. Sorry for yourself, because you’re not working and you are waiting in line to shop - If you are unable to locate a product in the grocery aisle, it is because:
a. Damn remerch
b. You’re looking for Tahini. Nobody can find Tahini! Nobody knows what the fuck Tahini even is!
c. You’re looking for Sauerkraut. Sauerkraut is refrigerated, remember?
d. Nobody can tell you’re not actually looking - Your preferred cleaning tool is…
a. Pre-soaked alcohol wipes
b. Sudsy, yet inexplicably dry, flimsy napkin things
c. Something simple to use, but causes chemical burns
d. A flamethrower. No, wait, not a flamethrower. What’s that thing that kills with fire? Yes! A flamethrower. - Which role sounds worst?
a. Crew
b. Mate
c. Captain
d. The guys who fix the freezers - If you could not find the Store Mascot, what would you do?
a. Fall on your knees while raising your hands to the sky, screaming “Why do you deny me this one simple pleasure, Universe!”
b. Ask the nearest child to guide you
c. Lie so that you’d still get a sucker
d. Quit probably - It would be fun to collaborate with your co-workers on…
a. A quilt commemorating all the Crew who lost their jobs due to being fired
b. Dropping a full case of wine onto the floor from ceiling height
c. Working the load
d. Developing additional scented tools, such as cumin mop, a garlic Swiffer, or a dill hammer - When confronted with a mistake, you…
a. Act confused, and claim you didn’t know it was “wrong to bring a chair to the register,” even though you needed it to give a stressed customer a chair massage
b. Apologize but do not admit guilt, citing nihilism
c. Purchase $27 worth of carbs during your next break
d. Remind your mom that if she’d bought you Taco Bell like you wanted then you wouldn’t have even needed to dirty up any dishes - What type of thing makes you feel guilty?
a. Letting down coworkers by hiding in the baler, getting crushed
b. Not acting condescending enough, even though you probably could’ve gotten away with it
c. Doing a good job when no one is looking
d. Stacking potatoes recklessly - When managing difficult customer confrontations, your first instinct is to…
a. Ring a bell, any bell, as loudly and quickly as possible
b. Rapidly ascertain the customer’s center of gravity and any weak points they’ve left open
c. Offer them stickers, multiple kinds depending on the situation
d. Remain still, they are attracted to motion - Your favorite TV show as a kid was…
a. Umami and the Savory Gang
b. Mighty Morphin’ Powerberries
c. Teenage Mango Nut Butter Tortillas
d. Everything but the Wiggles
e. Dan Bane Channel. All Dan Bane. All the Time.
The letter you chose most often as an answer reveals your strengths:
A: Analytical
You are able to precisely determine the amount of change due to a customer using only one finger. Protect it at all costs.
B: Business
You are comfortable using terms like forecast, reprimand, compliance, sub-optimal, and no. Continue to distance yourself from any emotional response to your environment.
C: Creative
Nobody will know that it was you that stacked the shelf like that, and it will be cool to see how long it lasts. Avoid pranks involving glue.
D: Scientific
You are willing to run the risk of not actually working if that’s what it takes to test a controlled oxidation-reduction reaction. Consider wearing a lab coat when on breaks.
I Can Help the Next Person 